To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

You're not sympathetic.

I don't believe this thread is real. I believe you've done this to get a controversial thread going.

And if it is real then you're absolutely despicable. And if all you can think to do in this situation is give him a hug, then I feel deeply deeply sorry for your husband that he has you for a wife.

My mum died 2 weeks ago, quite unexpectedly in her very early 70s. I thought I would be ok, and then it happened and it’s like everything has gone on hold and I can’t quite believe it. I’ll never hear her voice, give her a hug or see her with my son. That breaks my heart and if you never go through that then good for you but don’t dismiss others grief, it makes you sound like a heartless cow,

'Obviously it completely depends on your relationship with the parent and how they've been as a person'

This. Glad there have been some measured, thoughtful comments on here. Everyone has a different relationship with their parents, it's unique to you and them. It's true to say that you won't know how you feel until it happens, but you are certainly not an awful person for considering that it might not feel like the end of the world

The thing that throws me is when people say that someone 85+ has died unexpectedly and I do mentally think ‘how the hell was it unexpected?’ I do think when people reach that sort of age the people around them have had time to come to terms with the inevitable.
I think it must be worse for people who lose their parents when the parent is under 70 because you know that the parent will have missed out on so much. A parent 85+ will have seen everything they were going to see.

I completely agree with you

This. In fact, I’d say sociopathic to be this lacking in empathy.

I think people just feel things differently. Had my parents died when I was in my 20s, I suspect I would feel quite different. If, hypothetically, I get to 80 and die, I would put money on ds feeling v little and dd feeling sad for a bit, before getting on with whatever life she has in her late 40s.

Its nothing to do with that! The question asks why people are devastated, not why are they shocked? Maybe YOU should read it!

I'm younger, and I've lost five elderly relatives suddenly, and I mean within hours of it happening, never had chance to say goodbye, died before we could, even from things that people can die peacefully with. However, a close relative of mine has a degenerative disease and a lot younger, and the grief has already kicked in; they're never going to be the same...this is probably what has happened to OP, OP's husband is already grieving for his dad. There's never no right or wrong, but knowing someone is there when you need them, is all that everyone asks for.

God, you are seriously hard faced, your poor husband having to live with someone you.

This has to be one of the most ignorant and upsetting threads I've ever seen on MN.

What is wrong with you OP?

OP "My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live? "

This is the bit of your post that really stands out for me. My dad's period of decline and death was truly appalling. The time recovering from his death actually wasn't as bad. It took me about 9 months to get over it but it was enmeshed with mum's grief so maybe it was shorter.

I do get annoyed when people say stuff like "it never gets better, you'll grieve forever" but I appreciate it might just be luck that didn't happen to me.

it does feel like "things are horrendous and won't get better for ages and ages". Please show him kindness, consideration, and if you love him, show him that too.

ironically my DH has a much worse relationship with his parents than I do mine. I think my family is just very unsentimental about death - my dad lost his dad when he was young and it’s always been drilled in to me that life is not a guarantee.

I really don’t think I’m a despicable person. But sounds like I am! Ok

Oblomov you are absolutely correct

@NCdoinggriefwrong
You are absolutely not a terrible person at all and I completely understand your point. Please ignore any comments to the contrary! I totally agree with you.

So you haven’t had a parent die OP?

Ever consider that you just have no idea how he’s feeling because you don’t have any relevant experience (and also you’re different people with different relationships)?

I think you should just accept your inability to relate without projecting onto your husband some sort of inadequacy (or congratulating yourself for being more hardy or whatever it is you’re getting at).

Your husband’s reaction is totally valid, just do your best to be there and support him. There’s not just a generic ‘parent death’, his experience is his experience.

you are doing fine

Yes I do see this and rather agree.

Although, my mum died in her 60s very suddenly. She has a very, very full and vibrant life. So she saw many things.
But she didn't see my children. So even if I can be reasonable and think well, she had a happy and fulfilled life, I also think 'I want my mum'.

I’m with you op, and I am sorry you are getting such a hard time in here. I have lost one parent - lost them far too young - it was awful. I technically still have the other, as in they are alive, but with advanced dementia - don’t know us anymore, no enjoyment of anything any more, the lovely person they were is long gone - it will be a mercy when they die.

Knowing something will happen isn’t the same thing as it actually happening. My mother had a heart attack in 2002 and spent the subsequent 20 years in & out of hospital. Many times I sat with her in Majors in A&E and it seemed she might die.
Then 5 years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s & after 18 months moved in with me & my children. The next few years were mostly miserable for her as she became increasingly frail and found it more & more difficult to enjoy things she’d previously loved. She frequently said that she wished she could just press a button to end her life and at times, I just wished she would die before things got much worse.
She died in my arms last autumn. There’s a hole in my world now and I think perhaps there always will be. I am glad she’s no longer suffering (what she experienced as) the indignities of old age but I can’t begin to describe what bereavement feels like.
You’re thinking about it very rationally, but love & grief are all about emotion.

YABVU. When your time comes and you have to say the final goodbye to your parents, please be kind to yourself when you recall this thread.

Most people grieve for beloved family members no matter how old they are when they die or how expected that death is. Fact.

HTH

Cross post
I selfishly hope you'll read my post

I don't think you are terrible person but need to realise that different things cause distress to individuals.

So you recognise it’s “very, very sad” but simultaneously are “surprised” that your DH is “so affected by the idea”.

What does it mean for something to be really really sad if we aren’t affected by it?

its not just your empathy that desperately needs work I fear OP…