To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

See I think thats LESS sad.

I nearly lost both my parent in a traumatic accident as a young child... by some miracle they survived (although the life changing damage was done and things where never the same again - I was a carer for my mam for the next 30 years).

I remember the day vividly, I was with them alone. They where unconscious and I tried to wake them but couldn't and I just sat with them waiting for someone to come get me.

I remember thinking 'I'm an orphan now' (I swear every film in my childhood was about orphans, why was that such a thing in the good old days) and yet I wasn't sad at all. I didn't have the emotional maturity to be 'sad' about it. I just was, it was just a straight up 'fact' in my brain with no emotions tied to it at all.

I went to live with my grandparents for over a year, didn't see my parents and thought they where dead. Eventually my mam came home, my dad never did (he lived, he just thought it was too much hassle to be a carer for his perminantly disabled wife and flounced right out of our lives) I shed not one single tear at the fact he never came back home.

Knob. There is 4 people in my entire family. 4 people. Mother with parkinsons. Me and a sibling and my DC.

Be 3 left soon. Hope that helps.

It's an interesting perspective.
I'm not close to my mother. It's been a difficult relationship all my life and I spend time with her because of duty rather than anything else. She's very elderly and when she dies - well I don't expect to be devastated.

But I do completely understand how others feel differently. I'm envious of that closeness.

I agree with the op. parents dying is to be expected, particularly when in their 80"s.

my mother is 93 and has advanced Alzheimers; she doesn't know me , has no awareness; I feel it would be a blessing if she was taken tomorrow.

Sorry if that sounds terrible but believe me, the disease is even worse!!

+The answer to your question is enmeshment.*

Families with emotional dysfunction have this in spades.

@TheThinkingGoblin You don’t know this family in any way and are utterly unqualified to understand or diagnose whether they have a dysfunctional “enmeshed” dynamic or a healthy close attachment.

Acting like you do know and making such pronouncements is grossly arrogant and disrespectful.

This thread is quite awful. My mum and my Exdh father died close together in their late fifties. I was mid thirties . I wasn't close to my mum, but I was devastated and there was a definite feeling of me next. I'm 71 but feel 30. Me next is a fact. The op is heartless.

I have got experience. My dad died when he was 64, very suddenly. We were very close and we got in brilliantly. I wish he had lived a lot longer. My Mum, however, clung on to 89 years old, lazy unpleasant woman

the op is definitely not heartless

OP I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time. Everyone dies. I was fortunate to make it to my late 40s before losing a parent. They were old, ill, and had not had a good quality of life for some time. It was incredibly sad but certainly not a surprise. I think I did my best in terms of my relationship with them,and in caring for them near the end. I think it was the best possible way to lose a parent, with no shock or trauma involved, and not at a young age. I am sad, but I am OK.

You have no clue, if it hasn't happened to you yet.
Of course your DH is in a tailspin, he's watching his much loved father diminish before his eyes!
I was 25 when my DF died and 33 when my dearly loved DM died
For quite a while, I felt like an orphan

Well said. Utter nonsense showing their complete ignorance on the subject

Wow, OP.

I don't think you are as empathetic as you think.

Obviously it completely depends on your relationship with the parent and how they've been as a person. I was close to my mum. She was flawed just like me and everyone else but I loved her. Her dying was difficult on a really basic level for me. I went numb and still am to some extent but then a wave of grief will come over me. She died 18 years ago. My dad, on the other hand, I have a different relationship with. He's a very challenging individual who has issues around empathy and anger. He gets incredibly anxious and aggressive, has meltdowns and struggles to understand the feelings of others. I care for him but we're not close and it's a very complex relationship. He's quite elderly now and although I won't be happy when he dies, I won't feel the same grief as when my mother died. I know his issues are not his fault and he may be undiagnosed but unfortunately that doesn't change the past and things that have happened. He probably wasn't best suited to fatherhood but I guess I wouldn't be here without him. When he dies I'll mourn, but I'll probably more be mourning what could have been and be sad about that.

Quite. The DH might just be finding his parent’s dementia decline incredibly difficult and upsetting like many people would.

I can't believe this thread. This is typical MN. People incapable of reading what is actually written. People projecting their own nonsense.

Most parents will die. Fact. If they die in their 70's or 80's then they've had a good life. Fact.

My dad died 11 years ago. I've never felt any grief. Sad for him that his life ended relatively early at 61 but he'd had cancer for 11 years by then it was, quite frankly, just time for him to go.

I've been nc with my mum for nearly 12 years. Unless someone thinks to tell me, I won't even know when she dies.

For me, people who hurt me are no longer around to cause further harm. My dad had tried to put things right but could only manage it for a few short years before his priorities changed again. He was like a distant uncle at best to me.

I suspect, if you are very close to your parents, it's different.

It’s going to completely depend on your relationship with your parents and how you cope with stressful events.

I coped well when my father passed as we had a difficult relationship but there were no loose ends. He was a complex, difficult man who in the end became so old and ill his passing was a blessing. So when I think of him I can feel sad but it’s more for the loss of what could face been if that makes sense.

When my mother passes it will be devastating for me simply because we are so close and communicate most days. I can’t think about it really as it upsets me just to imagine it happening and know there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

My mom is my best friend. She is my confidant. She is my role model. She is the doting grandmother of my children. She genuinely makes the world a better place for me, my family, and anyone she has met.

She is only 60, but even the thought of her potentially not being here in 20 years fills me with dread.

Big hugs. I lost my dad to the same. He was just 70.

But why should that mean it can’t be devastating for someone?

Most parents will die

All parents will die. No one has yet achieved immortality.

Totally agree. Couldn’t think of the right word, but you’ve nailed it !! Demonstrates a comprehensive lack of understanding of the nature of grief and the processes involved, and why they would suggest that DH is ‘enmeshed’ and the family is dysfunctional because he is going through what is clearly anticipatory grief is just beyond me. I hope MN take down this thread soon because it’s really upsetting.

What have I just read on this thread... op you are so ignorant.

We live and then we die, it’s sad but that is it

Both of My parents are dead.

It’s hard to describe your mother dying. I lived in her body. Good or bad , I’m here because of her. It’s primal when your mother dies. It also means that there is no older generation. I am the older generation,