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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 20/08/2023 22:41

LTB. No but in all seriousness you guys might want to take a class in negotiations or something.

Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 22:41

You have a few weeks before the baby is born to decide. Try not to stress about it for now but don't be railroaded either.

Silvers11 · 20/08/2023 22:42

Silvers11 · 20/08/2023 22:41

You could actually call her Wilhelmina Willow ( which sounds much better than the other way round) and use her middle name to use every day?

I think as it is his late Mother's name, it is a bit unreasonable not to let him use it somewhere in your baby's name?

@thunderthunder3 - sorry meant to add your name to the above post

BungleandGeorge · 20/08/2023 22:42

I think you should just let him have the middle name after his dead mother. 2nd names are hardly ever used anyway. I agree with him that you can’t use a shortening etc if it’s to honour someone it has to be the actual name. Willow Wilhelmina isn’t that awful,

FrustatedAgain · 20/08/2023 22:43

I think you should just do it, she doesn’t ever have to use her middle name when she’s older if she chooses not to.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/08/2023 22:44

I think Willow Wilhelmina sounds ridiculous. It’s a bit like calling a girl Eliza Elizabeth. Is this your first child? I would draw a line under it for now and wait till she’s here, in my experience men tend to cave when it comes to names after watching their wife go through labour. I agree, you have to love your daughters name, not give just give in.

Truemilk · 20/08/2023 22:45

Nobody ever uses or says middle names so i wouldn't be overly bothered, if it meant a lot to my dp I'd do it

Tinysoxx · 20/08/2023 22:45

My husband has 2 middle names. This makes his full name particularly long and causes all sorts of problems with forms, even his passport, as you have to start using other follow-on comment boxes. If you use 2 middle names and have a double barrelled surname it will be a pain for her.

Also remember if you have a vowel as a middle name her initials may spell out a word. Mine do and it was used on teaching timetables.

BlueMongoose · 20/08/2023 22:47

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:29

wasn't sure on posting the name but did name change just in case it came up. name is wilhelmina and we had decided on willow as her first name... i really don't like them together and i really do not like wilhelmina but i don't want to be awful and if it is genuinely really bad to say no, i will obviously have to suck it up and go with it and i think reading the opinions on others will definitely make me feel better about that if that is the case

Why not call her just Wilhelmina and call her Willow for short?

stayathomer · 20/08/2023 22:48

I have kids that range from 8 to 15 and I've seen/ had to mention their middle names less than ten times in their lives (christenings, communions, confirmation and when getting passports) so personally I'd think it's only if it's the world's worst name but if it bothers you that much it bothers you at the same time!!

2chocolateoranges · 20/08/2023 22:48

as someone who has grown up with a middle name that’s horridly old fashioned and anytime it was mentioned people laughed , I’ve started saying I don’t have a middle name.

please don’t give her a middle name that you aren’t happy with. Don’t feel pressured to agree to it .

Jenpeg · 20/08/2023 22:48

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/08/2023 22:48

It's a middle name - no one will remember it anyway. But it will mean a lot to your DH

YABU.

Totaly · 20/08/2023 22:49

Babies are traditionally given their mother name, not their fathers. Of coarse of you were marriage yours and his names would match. So he doesn’t have a leg to stand on with that one.

stayathomer · 20/08/2023 22:49

Oh sorry, I just saw the name, I'm so sorry but no- Willow Wilhelmina? No. How did that even happen?!

Enforceddrysummer · 20/08/2023 22:50

The Wilhelminas I know are all known as Willow. It's a recognised short form. They can't be put together. It would be like Maria Mary or Kathy Catherine.

GLORIAGloriarse · 20/08/2023 22:50

Sorry if he's recently bereaved but he must se that Willow Wilhelmina doesn't work. So he needs to either pick an alternative (Olive is nice, as is Violet) or come up with another tribute.

Don't entertain him shutting down everything with you driving yourself spare trying to solve things. This isn't just a case of you not liking the name or being mean, I think most people would agree it's not a great match. Drop it for now and come back later. You don't have to decide immediately.

I think Willow Stephanie Wilhelmina is nice but long as you say. Willow Jane/Rose/Bay/Joan Wilhelmina are still long but a bit less so and flow nicely. Are there any short, consonant starting names you like?

stayathomer · 20/08/2023 22:51

And her initials will be WW (whatever surname is). Op I'm with you but your poor dh too as I got to use my dad's name as a middle name

Milkand2sugarsplease · 20/08/2023 22:51

So essentially, it's his way or no way?? I get that his mum has passed away, really I do - my own parents have also passed so I've every sympathy, but really, both parents need to like the name they choose for a child.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2023 22:51

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:29

wasn't sure on posting the name but did name change just in case it came up. name is wilhelmina and we had decided on willow as her first name... i really don't like them together and i really do not like wilhelmina but i don't want to be awful and if it is genuinely really bad to say no, i will obviously have to suck it up and go with it and i think reading the opinions on others will definitely make me feel better about that if that is the case

Did she have a middle name you could use?

That's what I did with our parents as we didn't like any of the first names

Clefable · 20/08/2023 22:52

I use my middle name on forms. That's it.

We did this for DD1, as DH's mum died before she was born. Her name isn't one I would have chosen otherwise but I felt like it was an important thing to do. We have my mum's name to second DD as a middle name, again not a name I would have considered otherwise, but she has since also died and it feels right that DD2 has her name in some form. I like writing it when I fill stuff in, although we never use middle names verbally with either DD.

But I think the issue is that the first name and middle name as stated absolutely do not go. Surely Willow could be the tribute itself? Although Willow Mina is a very neat solution too.

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/08/2023 22:52

I was going to say YABU but no you cannot call her Willow Wilhelmina

Why not?

No one will know any way. Think of all the people you know in your life. How many middle names of these people do you know.

You could stick a third name in between them if you really are worried about how they sound together.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 20/08/2023 22:53

Even without him wanting to use his mums name, they're too samey.

People might not use their middle names often but if I was called Lizzie Elizabeth (for example), I'd be embarrassed.

SFHJ · 20/08/2023 22:54

My mum died when I was a small kid, my dps mum died when he was a kid too and when we first spoke about having kids I said the only thing I was set on was a daughter of mine would have mums middle name. He said the same. Our eldest dd has both names as middle names.
my siblings daughter has it as a middle name and two of mu dps siblings have it as a middle name for their daughters.

if you have not lost a parent and miss them so much, you cannot know what it is like going through this stage of changing your whole life by becoming a parent and not having your parent included in that.

Shakespeareandi · 20/08/2023 22:57

I really like Willow Wilhemina
It's a great name. We named out daughter after my OH's late grandmother. I have no idea why now as I never met her and my partner wasn't particular close to her, as far as I know. Anyway it's only her middle.name so doesn't really matter. If you prefer, you could always add a second middle name. I think you should definitely use your OH' a mum's name if it means a lot to him.