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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
celandiney · 20/08/2023 22:31

I wouldn't worry too much about four names being too much if that makes for an easier compromise - I speak as someone with four names, 31 letters in total before I married! I have a long first name and maiden surname, my Mum's long name as a middle name and an extra thrown in for good measure...
Filling in official forms takes a bit longer but apart from that it's not and never has been a problem.

Americano75 · 20/08/2023 22:32

I actually really like Olive Wilhelmina, it's really sweet and classic.

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:32

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:28

i know i said i was going to bed but just been talking with him and he has said she can have my surname as long as it won't automatically mean i expect him to take it at marriage to match us and as long as we do go for willow wilhelmina... i genuinely thought when i started this thread that if i was unreasonable to say no to that middle name, we would simply have to go with a different first name and that would be it, never in a million years did i expect him to now only be happy with willow. i thought it was simply only about having wilhelmina in the middle

Ok well if he means that he is being totally unreasonable: he doesn’t get to insist on both the first and second name. Tell him it’s either willow or Wilhelmina and that’s how it is. He can have one- either- but not both.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 20/08/2023 22:32

I’d use Mina as a middle name. Willow Mina is pretty. Don’t forget that virtually nobody will ever even hear the middle name.

ElizaWinter · 20/08/2023 22:33

Willow Olive whilamena
WOW! Grin

Olika · 20/08/2023 22:33

I don't think your DP will change his mind about the middle name as it means so much to him. You are wasting energy on having the convo with him. If you cannot come into a decision yet, can you wait until the baby is born and then decide as it might make it easier. We didn't name ours until she was born. And my FIL decided on the middle name as per their traditions. Don't use that name anywhere unless official.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 22:34

Could
You use mums maiden name as a middle name?

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:34

Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 22:28

It's their baby together. He wants Willow Wilhelmina and his Surname (they arent narried). He doesn't want her second choice first name. He doesnt want another middle name. He doesnt want her maiden name. He can't have it all his way. It's her baby as well. I'm sorry his mum passes but that doesn't mean his name choices trumps hers. Willow Wilhelmina sounds ridiculous.

Show quote history

Well that’s not how it was presented until her latest updates. This original suggestion was to go for second choice first name. But I wholeheartedly agree that him insisting on his choice for all three names (+ not allowing four ! !) is totally unreasonable. Asking simply for his mothers (actual) name to be included somewhere is not.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 22:35

Your chosen first name willow is basically short for the mums name anyway though - if you told everyone she's named after her wouldn't that count?

UncleHerbie · 20/08/2023 22:35

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 21:20

Yeah I always think what an awful name it is (well just so dated and not a name that’s timeless, like my name). Wonder what they call her? Surely not Pat?

Show quote history

That’s a bit rude to the many slightly older Patricias out there 😂

Irish people (eg Christine) tend not to shorten three syllable names so I would imagine they call their child Patricia. I went to school with or worked with Irish descent Elizabeths, Victorias, Patricias and even a Clarefrances and their names were never shortened.

NotStayingIn · 20/08/2023 22:35

I actually don't dislike Willow Wilhelmina even though they are quite similar. I don't particularly like Wilhelmina. And I sort of think, whatever you put in front of it, it's not going to make Wilhelmina 'better'. So you might as well stick with the name Willow if you really love it. You don't need to actually use her middle name so don't alter her name to accommodate it.

Growuppeople · 20/08/2023 22:35

Middle names mean nothing I hate mines middle name but DP wanted it she also has my nans name but I just won’t write it down when I’m m asked for her name 😥

Snugglemonkey · 20/08/2023 22:36

Yabu. You are being horrible actually. Middle names do not matter a jot and it will mean a lot to your dp and to your child.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 20/08/2023 22:36

YABU

its understandable he wants to honour his mum and no one uses middle names day to day anyway.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:36

he is saying he isn't forcing the first name as the first name is the name we both have as favourite and agree on and it is just the middle name he is asking for. how is he not understanding that if he won't change the first name, he is forcing the first name... in his eyes he isn't as i wanted that name too! yes, but not with wilhelmina... he says i should look at them separately and realise we both agreed willow as our favourite name, he gets wilhelmina and baby gets my surname until marriage so it is all fair and i am being difficult by saying no to wilhelmina with willow but yes to it with a first name we don't like as much. there is no sorting this right now, deffo need to sleep on it and hopefully he will bring a useful answer to the table in the morning

OP posts:
SlippySarah · 20/08/2023 22:37

Growuppeople · 20/08/2023 22:35

Middle names mean nothing I hate mines middle name but DP wanted it she also has my nans name but I just won’t write it down when I’m m asked for her name 😥

That's really sad. I can't imagine naming my child something I actively hated.

TheGoogleMum · 20/08/2023 22:38

Do Mina as a middle name then Willow Mina sounds quite close?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 20/08/2023 22:39

Hollyhead · 20/08/2023 20:50

Can you have 2 middle names? Something like Willow Rose Wilhelmina to break it up a bit?

Good idea

misslooloo · 20/08/2023 22:39

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

I love this idea!

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:39

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:36

he is saying he isn't forcing the first name as the first name is the name we both have as favourite and agree on and it is just the middle name he is asking for. how is he not understanding that if he won't change the first name, he is forcing the first name... in his eyes he isn't as i wanted that name too! yes, but not with wilhelmina... he says i should look at them separately and realise we both agreed willow as our favourite name, he gets wilhelmina and baby gets my surname until marriage so it is all fair and i am being difficult by saying no to wilhelmina with willow but yes to it with a first name we don't like as much. there is no sorting this right now, deffo need to sleep on it and hopefully he will bring a useful answer to the table in the morning

Yeh , he’s being an idiot now. Don’t entertain it OP, just stick to your guns. Tell him if he wants his mother’s name as middle/ included you will of course honour that, but not with Willow. Thats how it is .
Get some sleep and don’t stress ❤️

RubyFlint · 20/08/2023 22:40

Willow Whilamina is not a good combo - surely he can see that?
Reminds me of a kids nursery rhyme character sorry OP.

Silvers11 · 20/08/2023 22:41

You could actually call her Wilhelmina Willow ( which sounds much better than the other way round) and use her middle name to use every day?

I think as it is his late Mother's name, it is a bit unreasonable not to let him use it somewhere in your baby's name?

Olika · 20/08/2023 22:41

He is taking the piss now

Grapewrath · 20/08/2023 22:41

He’s being ridiculous and controlling. He does get to dictate the first and middle name! Then to say it’s a compromise to have your sir name which you will both change to anyway.
Tell him he can choose one or the other and you will then choose your favourite.
Also I disagree with middle names being unimportant- OH chose dd2 middle name and we (me and dd) both hate it. It’s not awful it’s just a bit old fashioned and DD is really embarrassed by it.
Tell your controlling DP to get in the bin.

Pumpkindoodles · 20/08/2023 22:41

So presumably he wants you to take his surname - he’s certainly not open to taking yours right?
and he doesn’t want you to use even similar version of your surname in your DDs name
and he won’t accept willow as a tribute to Wilhelmina
he’s really not leaving you much choice, whilst making it seem like you’re difficult

honestly tell him to fuck off
but if you want to compromise did DMIL have a middle name that could be DDs?

I also assume MIL had the same surname as DH, so already DD will have the same surname as his mother. And the same first initial. I think he needs to get over it