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Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Duchessofspace · 21/08/2023 12:20

I would point out that this Willow is in fact a modern twist on his mothers name and she is named after his mum.

Bit like duck Prince Harry calling his daughter Lilibet after Queen Elizabeth - a modern version.

He can’t insist on a name at all. It doesn’t work like that it’s compromise. My son has a very unique name that was his great grandfather - but my husband at the time wanted it as a middle name but it was me who loved it and wanted it as a first name.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2023 12:27

Ah. Yes good point @fruitstick 😂

YouveGotAFastCar · 21/08/2023 12:27

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

No. He doesn't get all 3 names.

Willow is a derivative of Wilhelmina. If he likes Willow; that is the reference to his mother, just modernised. She didn't use Wilhelmina either; from you've said, she used nicknames... If it's critical to him that it is Wilhelmina; then that takes Willow out of convention - they don't go together; and her whole name shouldn't be a tribute to his mum. She is a person in her own right.

Duchessofspace · 21/08/2023 12:28

I’m so sorry I’ve read all your updates I’m seeing huge red flags all over this - he is ok to have a baby and demand his mothers name - but not to marry you first? Or let you choose a name for your own baby

You will be vulnerable now and after birth and he is just bullying you. You carried this baby and you will birth this baby and you can choose her name.

why do men do this?

please don’t give the baby his surname either just don’t. As if you split you will always have a different name from the baby. If you marry he can take yours

Tell him to get lost as he is isn’t risking his life having a baby and you will choose the name and give it your surname.

choose a name you want - I’m so angry about this so sorry if my post is a bit harsh

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2023 12:28

When are you getting married ?

CalishataFolkart · 21/08/2023 12:29

If your next child is a boy, will he want William Wilbur Wilberforce HisSurname?

ihadamarveloustime · 21/08/2023 12:32

You're not married.

He's being unreasonable.

Call the baby Willow (Something pretty) YourSurname

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/08/2023 12:33

2pence · 21/08/2023 08:19

Why can't her first name be Wilhelmina? Known as Willow while young or as she chooses when she has her own autonomy.

It's a far superior name to Willow for a powerful women, and is uncommon and striking.

Willow is pretty with no power. Can you imagine a female CEO named Willow? Willow is someone's pretty girlfriend or wife, or a cute little girl when younger. And what happens if she's not pretty or cute, how will she wear the name then? Conversely, a Wilhelmina holds power.

This.

Olika · 21/08/2023 12:33

I am actually getting pissed off on your behalf. This is getting worse. All I hear is 'if I give up this then I want that'. Naming a child should not be so transactional. I would leave this now until she is born and then if you agree go with Willow (something) his sure name. If you are taking his at marriage anyway then no point to complicate it by giving your first.

malificent7 · 21/08/2023 12:34

Why not have 2 or more middle names and include it as the last middle name?

Snugglemonkey · 21/08/2023 12:36

pamplemoussemousse · 20/08/2023 23:55

Don't tell the OP she's being horrible, she's trying to accommodate her dp while not saddling her child with a name she doesn't like.

She's suggested alternatives and he's having none, I'm not sure she's the horrible one...

Show quote history

Why not when that is what I think? Middle names are an irrelevance, so it doesn't matter at all. I didthos for my dp without a second thought.

pikkumyy77 · 21/08/2023 12:47

He is bargaining with you to get the child’s surname and unwilling to concede anything. He really comes across here as extremely selfish, rude, and dismissive of you.

This is not a healthy way to approach any decision. He does not recognize any of your wants. Its all about him.

Just tell him child will be named Willow Your Surname. At this rate you may never marry him so she should not be stuck with his name. He should be taking care of you and the baby. Not whining and demanding.

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 21/08/2023 12:56

Could you use your surname as a middle name? Willow Yoursurname Wilhelmina Hissurname?

I wasn’t married when I had my two boys and they have my surname as a second middle name so it was on their passport in case of travel etc. I then did change my surname on marriage and did the same with my name - changed it by deed poll so I could add my own surname as my middle name.

In our case my surname is the second middle name, but in your case you could switch it to break up the Willow Wilhelmina (which is ridiculous).

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/08/2023 12:56

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 11:05

And honestly, please just call a time out on this conversation for now. Make your hard lines clear 'willow Wilhelmina is not happening. I am happy to include Wilhemina as a middle name. Come to the table in 2 weeks with serious suggestions for first names/ alternative formats. The baby will have my surname or both until we are married as I am her mother and am the one growing and birthing her'. Don't get bogged down in negotiating over surnames. That's not the issue.

Completely agree with this.

MissHarrietBede · 21/08/2023 12:59

I would not marry this controlling arse of a man. I would not saddle a child with Willow Wilhelmina. I would register her with my surname.

Naunet · 21/08/2023 13:10

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

NO OP, find your bloody backbone, she does NOT get his last name, why does he think he’s entitled to that when you aren’t even married? The baby gets the mums last name, as is tradition,

Tell him when he gives birth, he can make the rules, entitled dick.

ihadamarveloustime · 21/08/2023 13:12

It does just get worse and worse, doesn't it.

He's starting to show his true colours by the sound of it, OP: controlling and egotistical, thinks his way is the only way.

You're not married. I'd keep it that way. And name the baby what you want with your surname.

Naunet · 21/08/2023 13:13

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:49

he says he really wants willow again now and i am seriously just like wtf. he says it will be nice to always hear "will" like with his mum and i am like exactly!!! you are getting at least the nickname people called her at the start of her name every single time she is called. i would never say this to him but the fact he wants our daughter's whole name to basically be his mother + a name kind of like his mum's is just a bit much imo. i admit i have not lost a parent so maybe that is quite normal but it feels a lot for our daughter who will always be a part of him and subsequently his mother.

i have said how about we do willow (middle name be related to his surname) and then my surname and be done with it and he is saying that is the worst option i have given him, so i told him to pick one of the damn options then. he says if he gives up on Wilhelmina he wants his surname

fucking exhausted, i tell you. So glad i can at least talk here about it Sad

Just stop consulting him and name her whatever you want. He’s lucky you’re even giving him a say, you don’t have to. He’s being a manipulative, controlling bellend.

ihadamarveloustime · 21/08/2023 13:14

Make sure the baby has your surname no matter what you do. Even if it's a middle name. It will be a nightmare for travel, etc without sharing a name, and there's zero reason not to have your surname on her birth certificate.

crazeekat · 21/08/2023 13:16

full mums name even as a middle name, i get u, it's a mouthful but willow is a lovely compromise i think, and is such a beautiful name.
but. it's your baby. u must love the name or at least like it. so unfair either way for ur dp to not consider that daft u just don't like
it. and it's not personal.

Insidenumber09 · 21/08/2023 13:31

Agree with malificent7 was going to post the same. Use it as a last middle name and have another middle name to split the 2 w names up I think that would sound lovely (hardly ever going to be used anyway). My son has 2 middle names (my grandads first name and my dad’s first name) I figured if he was having my husband’s surname I wanted my families names as middle names. We chose the first name together. X

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2023 13:34

While I was sympathetic to him wanting Wilhelmina as ONE of her names, he is being a dick insisting on Willow Wilhelmina when you have compromised so much in letting Willow go.

As for the surname, don’t let him appropriate that as part of negotiations. You aren’t married so conventionally and for hundreds of years, the baby has your name. I’d refuse to even discuss that. It’s not his right to “give up”.

I can’t believe he’s being such an arse with you.

WitcheryDivine · 21/08/2023 13:35

I've only just realised that he basically wants his daughter's name to be his mum's entire name (I'm assuming she shared his surname) with a diminutive of her name up front.

That is really, really weird.

So he's the son of Patricia Wilkinson, and he wants to call her Patty Patricia Wilkinson.

Is he OK???????

You are so totally in the right about this OP. I feel sorry for the future baby if she diverges from his mum in any way. What if original Wilhelmina loved peas and the baby hates them, or original W really liked maths and the baby turns out to be shit at it. Is he going to be angry because he's not successfully replicated his mother?

Honestly I think if he keeps banging on about this you need to tell him straight that it's awful what happened with his mum but this baby is her own person, not a replica of her grandmother, and she deserves her own name.

OhHelloTheres · 21/08/2023 13:40

We named our child after a relative but instead of copying the name exactly, we looked up the meaning of the name and then found a completely different name with the same meaning. So both names eg mean happiness but one in Latin, one in Hebrew. That was our compromise in a similar situation anyway!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/08/2023 13:41

Nope!!! He wants everything his own way and won't be happy til he wears you down!!

Willow Whilomena is awful - they don't go together at all.

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