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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:54

He's trying to wear you down. Tell him that you don't want to discuss it anymore for now. You need some head space.

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:56

Take time to think things through before you agree to anything.

IAmKenough · 21/08/2023 10:57

I am infuriated on your behalf! He wants every element of the name his way and for him! Please don't bend, it's important you don't go into parenthood with resentment, it's a tough enough journey.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2023 10:59

Willow olive wilhelmina surname

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 11:02

please give her your surname. If you get married this can change.

BiIIie · 21/08/2023 11:02

I would have willow and his surname, I would pick a middle name that you want. Please remember the FIRST name is so important, it's the name she will go by her whole life. The middle name is barely used.

CR7 · 21/08/2023 11:05

@thunderthunder3 I don't think it's fair for him to have total say over both names. Honouring his mum as a middle name is lovely enough

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 11:05

And honestly, please just call a time out on this conversation for now. Make your hard lines clear 'willow Wilhelmina is not happening. I am happy to include Wilhemina as a middle name. Come to the table in 2 weeks with serious suggestions for first names/ alternative formats. The baby will have my surname or both until we are married as I am her mother and am the one growing and birthing her'. Don't get bogged down in negotiating over surnames. That's not the issue.

Gazelda · 21/08/2023 11:06

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:54

He's trying to wear you down. Tell him that you don't want to discuss it anymore for now. You need some head space.

This. You're tired of it. There's no hurry. Babies often aren't named until they're several weeks old.

And the other advantage of not naming her until after birth is that she'll automatically have 'baby mum'ssurname' on her hospital cot and tag when she's newborn 😂.

Put your foot down and tell him you're not discussing this further because you're going round in circles and getting upset.

Moomuffin · 21/08/2023 11:16

I’d seriously lose my shit and tell him it’s not happening. You’re giving birth to a baby and not his fucking mother.

DH wanted his grandmothers name as a middle name which I was happy with. The only thing was it didn’t flow with the first name we’d chosen so we changed the first name. DH pushed a little as he wanted the first name we’d picked but there was no way I was backing down as it sounded clunky.

Also as someone who has lost a parent, there was no way my parents name was going anywhere near my kids names despite how much I loved her. The name was dated and awful.

Willow Wilhelmina is bloody awful.

fruitstick · 21/08/2023 11:21

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2023 10:59

Willow olive wilhelmina surname

You can't give a girl the initials WOW Confused

tootyflooty · 21/08/2023 11:25

If you persuasded him to go with Olive Wilhelmina,then you could always just use Willow as a shorted version of her middle name and that is what she would be known as. My uncle was called Alfred Robert, but known by all as Bob. Her formal names would just be on passports etc.

NameChange30 · 21/08/2023 11:25

Oh OP Sad Flowers I agree with PPs you need to drop the discussion for now. And remember two things: firstly, he can't register the birth without you, so worst case scenario if you two can't agree, he can't overrule you. And secondly, it's difficult to change a baby's surname after they have been registered, but it's easy to change the first and middle names as long as you do it before their first birthday. Hopefully that knowledge might make you feel a tiny bit less stressed about it!

NameChange30 · 21/08/2023 11:26

fruitstick · 21/08/2023 11:21

You can't give a girl the initials WOW Confused

Show quote history

Why not? It's not that bad is it! Plus the surname would be another letter at the end.

Inertia · 21/08/2023 11:34

He’s beginning to sound like a bit of a controlling prick with his demands. Thinking ahead , you need to make sure you give the baby your surname, even if it’s double barrelled, then he f you marry you can double barrel. He’ll
neveR change his name so don’t kid yourself.

You need to remember that you are the only one who can revisited birth. Don’t be bullied.

Lachimolala · 21/08/2023 11:37

Willow is a tribute to Wilhelmina and based on what he’s saying he knows it is. He sounds like a controlling chancer, remind him you aren’t married. And that you can register the name without him but he can’t do it without you. Bounce his control right back to him and see how he likes it!

I’d go for Willow middle name Your Surname. And tell him that’s what’s happening, because why does he think he can dictate to you and bully you like this? He sounds horrible.

Lilyoverthevalley · 21/08/2023 11:39

After your first post I thought you were being mean and was 100% thinking "his mother is dead just let him have the middle name, you're being totally unreasonable" but with every post as the full story comes out it's clear that you are being completely fair and reasonable and he's being absolutely awful!

Do not let him have his way over every aspect of the name! You're barely getting any choice in the name at all now. To be honest, if this is a reflection of how he acts in every aspect of life then I'd say giving her your surname should be a hill to die on in case the relationship doesn't work out. But I appreciate I don't know your relationship and you might be perfectly happy apart from this one issue.

KajsaKavat · 21/08/2023 11:44

It’s such and odd and aliens to me tradition to give kids family middle names. I wholeheartedly disagree with it as it’s just weird to me.

OilOfRoses · 21/08/2023 11:51

He's like a dog with a bone. He does realise you are having this baby too, not just him, and what you want counts too?

ProbablyNotMad · 21/08/2023 11:55

Just pick the names you want. With all his demands and constant changes he is bullying and wearing you down so you will do what he wants. Stop the bullsh!t and just pick something you think is reasonable and that is it. He can give his opinion but this is your decision.

Willow is a lovely name so stick to that. Choose an unrelated middle name that goes with Willow. He already has a tribute to his mother in the first name. Then your surname. Baby's should have the same name as their mother. If you ever marry and do take his surname the baby's surname can change too.

I would go something like Willow Aurora Mysurname.

WitcheryDivine · 21/08/2023 11:56

He's a cheeky prick isn't he. It's like me demanding to call my child "Meg Margaret" but with an even sillier noise.

He clearly realises that both names refer to his mum and he's happy with that. He also wants his surname.

Are you this baby's mother or just a kind of glorified incubator? He can fuck off and if I were you I'd say I'm not discussing this any more until I'm ready. Repeat ad infinitum.

Dasisr · 21/08/2023 12:04

Honestly @thunderthunder3 initially when I saw your thread yesterday I thought no way it’s awful but having read the full thread now and seen it repeated so much I actually think it’s lovely. I would go for willow whilomena your surname. I’m just finished mat leave and after a full year of baby clubs, chatting to people in shops, gp, health visitor etc no one has ever asked my DD second name so it’s not going to impact you day to day and it’ll be nice for her when she’s older to have the link to her grandmother.

that said I would be clear with him that the naming after his mother is the second name. The first name willow is your dd own unique name. I wouldn’t want him co-opting it and when people call her Will him saying it’s after his mother etc as it’s not. It’s a name you’ve chosen.

Grapewrath · 21/08/2023 12:09

You oh seems obsessed with his late mother and hearing her name. It’s weird
Tell him he can’t have Willow willheimina and that’s the end of it.

averythinline · 21/08/2023 12:11

what about adding a name... something like
willow alice wilhamena..
willow jasmine wilemema
etc

not necessarily those but something you would choose to have as a middle name..

we did this to put in dh favourite uncles name who died when i was pregnant... name absolutely dreadful and doesn't go with surname at all... DS really likes the family connection... and having 2 middle names!

Coulditreallybe · 21/08/2023 12:13

So sorry he’s stressing you @thunderthunder3 I honestly think he thinks you’re going to go with willow wilhemina his surname (when you get married) so he ends up picking the first middle and last names!!

he’s so bloody cheeky. I’m infuriated on your behalf.

be careful he doesn’t put any of this baggage on your new little girl. The name will be bad enough.

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