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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Timeless01 · 21/08/2023 09:34

Wilhelmina is not a nice name full stop! I’ve never met one ever.

You could use it as a middle name if the first name was not Willow. Even as a second middle name it sounds daft.

Wimpeyspread · 21/08/2023 09:36

Did his mum have a nickname you could use?

CR7 · 21/08/2023 09:38

Having read back, both @thunderthunder3 and her husband decided on willow. I didn't get the impression that he had forced both Willow and Wilhelmina on OP

CR7 · 21/08/2023 09:38

Partner sorry!

Inertia · 21/08/2023 09:45

If MIL was generally called Will in everyday life , then the name Willow already references that. There’s no need to add Wilhelmina as well.

This is your baby, an independent person who will have to live with this name - she isn’t a tribute act for dead relatives. And with the greatest of respect, MIL isn’t going to know anyway.

I would be putting my foot down here-no to Wilhelmina as Willow remembers MIL. As you have no immediate plans to marry, I would prioritise giving the baby both surnames. At a push, if MIL had a short middle name (not beginning with W!) then I would consider using that so e.g. Willow Hope Roberts-Smith.

As you’re not married, you have the final say over registration.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 21/08/2023 09:49

LTB :)
No, seriously, he sounds like a bit of a jerk. Has he not given any thought to how life will be for your DD if she has to go through life saddled with "Willow Wilhemina"?! Put your child first! Whatever names you use, give some thought to what her initials will be.

Soozikinzii · 21/08/2023 09:53

Came here to jump on because DH wants a tribute to his DM which is lovely. Willow as first name does change it up though because that is so similar you are paying tribute through first name . But they do actually sound nice together . It's a difficult one I must admit !

TrainedByCats · 21/08/2023 10:08

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

So no attempts at negotiation just ‘I really really want’

How about you keep countering it with ‘I really really really want xx and I’m growing and birthing this baby’ and state what you actually want not the compromise you’re prepared to agree to.

Tinysoxx · 21/08/2023 10:09

SammyScrounge · 21/08/2023 02:05

My grandmother was called Wilhelmina - named for the Kaiser while he was still in favour with Queen Victoria. When I was born my Dad wanted to call me Wilhelmina in her honour.because she was such a wonderful woman.
He and my Mum quarrelled because she thought the name was ghastly. I was taken round to see Gran -.she nearly had a fit when she heard what he intended. She had hated her name her entire life and so a compromise was.reached and I got my great grandmother's name.instead.

This!
Your late MIL would have called herself Wilhelmina if she liked the name so much. But she went by shortened versions.
If you use it and call her Willow, every so often children are going to find out her proper name (exam certificates etc). This may be fine but remember you can’t get rid of it.

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:09

WIllow is the tribute. It's unfair to saddle your kid with a shit name. He cant have it all ways. Also, you don't need to negotiate on the surname. You're not married. I reckon you've got Bob hope of him changing his surname. Why don't you suggest he does it now. There is no need to wait till marriage. He can do it bia deed poll. You can all start with the day Surname. It's £42.

Rockandrollfangirl · 21/08/2023 10:14

If mil used billie why not use that
Willow Billie isn't too bad

IAmKenough · 21/08/2023 10:14

It's really important to your husband for your child to carry his mum's name because mums are special. Well you'll be a mum so it's equally important for you to be reflected in the choice of names. If he doesn't go along with your surname put your foot down - it would be extremely hypocritical.

Coulditreallybe · 21/08/2023 10:15

Twistingskies · 21/08/2023 00:36

Also I don’t understand that if you are planning to marry then why are you giving her your surname? Won’t you just have to change her name once married?

Plans change. They may not get married.

also, maybe, just maybe, she keeps her OWN
name when she gets married.

how old are you?

2pence · 21/08/2023 10:24

@UnctuousUnicorns True, but sadly the Grace I knew did not have 'Grace' of any sort.

How often do you actually use your own middle name @thunderthunder3?

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:25

Coulditreallybe · 21/08/2023 10:15

Plans change. They may not get married.

also, maybe, just maybe, she keeps her OWN
name when she gets married.

how old are you?

Show quote history

The divorce rate is estimated to be 42% in the UK. They arent married. Even if they get married they might not stay married. This child will be have this name forever or until she decodes to change it by deed poll at 18

ihadamarveloustime · 21/08/2023 10:28

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

And you really don't want it.

Veto it. Seriously. Veto it. Neither of you should have to have a name you intensely dislike, and this combination is one you intensely dislike.

If he won't see sense on this, I think you have to reconsider your entire relationship. No good person would want their partner to name their child a name their partner detests.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

OP posts:
Timeless01 · 21/08/2023 10:32

Yes pick a whole new first name that is completely different!

LylaLee · 21/08/2023 10:32

>He'll change his surname to mine.

I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

He is so inflexible with the name already. And a man changing his surname is super rare, and done by extremely open-minded, accomodating types not this man.

Scottishskifun · 21/08/2023 10:37

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

He doesn't get to use this as a bargaining chip and with the above I definitely wouldn't be giving her his surname your not married you can change her name if you wish once you are married but he's showing some not very nice elements at the moment!

Personally I would add another middle name in stick with the one you love and have a name break before using wilhelmina. That's enough of a concession given you are very pregnant and he's trying to move the goal posts!

DesTeeny · 21/08/2023 10:42

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

You need to have a serious discussion, you cannot call your child Willow Wilhelmina, that's just ridiculous (sorry, but it is!).

He is being stubborn and silly. Willow is a lovely name and a fine tribute to his mother. What if you don't have any other children and only his mother has been honoured in this way?

DD's middle name is my Granny's middle name because she was so important to me. This was on the absolutely understanding that she may be our only child so we both agreed with it. We made sure that the first name was something that we both really loved because I had asked for the middle name.

You need to be certain that you're happy with Wilhelmina, and you need to put your foot down and expect that your DD will have a name that you both like, not just him.

WitcheryDivine · 21/08/2023 10:42

I think either a) he should change his middle name to Wilhelmina if he's that keen b) you could agree to name a future boy William (if you're happy with that) after his mum.

The name sequence he wants in my accent sounds like "willawillamina" (he may have a german accent or something which would alter this). That's a silly name it sounds more like a song.

If you aren't married you get the final say on the name anyway as you have to register the birth, so don't let him browbeat you. If you want to go to the registry office and call her Willow Yoursurname with no middle names that's what she'll be called.

You've given him options, I think he just needs to decide which one he wants:

  • Newfirstname Wilhelmina
  • Willow othermiddlename
Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 10:48

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:31

just lost and struggling a lot with this because i just want it sorted and don't know what to do with it either. i have said we will go Wilhelmina for the middle but can we please have a serious discussion about deciding on a new first name that we love as clearly you aren't keen on olive anymore and that is fine but we need to find something else we both like and he said yes if she has his surname... i do feel like the moment i get something in my favour, i have to them give up 2 things to get it. i am so tired of it

Your surname is non negotiable. You aren't married. You will get the final say at the registry office. You don't need him to even be present.

I think he's being a prick.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 10:49

he says he really wants willow again now and i am seriously just like wtf. he says it will be nice to always hear "will" like with his mum and i am like exactly!!! you are getting at least the nickname people called her at the start of her name every single time she is called. i would never say this to him but the fact he wants our daughter's whole name to basically be his mother + a name kind of like his mum's is just a bit much imo. i admit i have not lost a parent so maybe that is quite normal but it feels a lot for our daughter who will always be a part of him and subsequently his mother.

i have said how about we do willow (middle name be related to his surname) and then my surname and be done with it and he is saying that is the worst option i have given him, so i told him to pick one of the damn options then. he says if he gives up on Wilhelmina he wants his surname

fucking exhausted, i tell you. So glad i can at least talk here about it Sad

OP posts:
jamontoast6589 · 21/08/2023 10:52

He sounds awful, refusing to compromise when he already has a tribute to his mum in the first name!