to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

[thunderthunder3]

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

I agree with this. When is the baby due? I would insist that this is dropped for 2 weeks as currently you're trying to accommodate something very unreasonable from him and he is digging his heels in and wanting everything his way.

I'm very sorry but Willow Wilhelmina doesn't sound good and your daughter will not thank you for it. He isn't being fair on her or you.

Tell him this is stressful and wearing and you will revisit later. In the meantime, he needs to consider suitable alternatives. I am sorry for his bereavement but you have suggested some nice ideas and he is showing a real selfish streak here. Refuse to.discuss further until the 2 weeks is up.

it would be a hard no from me because it isn't a nice name - having said that, no one even uses thier middle name!

you have to be comfortable with your child's name and you arnt so tell him no.

I think naming babies after other people is wrong, each baby is unique and deserves their own names chosen by their parents. Why should any child or adult be lumbered with the name of a relative they did not even know? I have never understood why people do this, you can remember the relative as they were.

Also the name Willow might work if she's likely to be willowy, tall, graceful etc. Not a great name to be saddled with if you're short, chunky and clumsy.

I used to work with a clumpy, flat footed, deep voiced, bellowing "Grace" which always seemed a cruel twist of fate.

My sons have two middle names (if you see what I mean). Trust me, they very, very rarely even mention their second middle name. Could you have grandmothers name as a second middle name? That way the two names would be separated and would then sound better. You'll never use it.

Willow is your joint favourite. It's the name you will use every day.
Give him the middle name. There is no middle ground you use it or you dont. No one uses it IRL, but it's a lovely tribute as means a lot to family.

As an fyi:

I dislike Wilhelmina. A lot.

My firstborn has a middle name i an not wild about but i have no regrets about going for it (it means A LOT to my DH) and 18m on we never use it. Win win.

I believe in giving your child "their name" ie. Willow NOT Wilhelmina so they are not constantly correcting school / work / the bank about their correct nomenclature.
Wilhelmina will be a dot in the rear view by the tike your child is 1

I'm 100% against honouring names, I don't see the point of it AT ALL, but if your husband won't stop being so bloody stubborn about it go for Willow Wilhelmina. I don't like Wilhelmina at all and I think Willow should really do as the honouring bit but please do not give up your favourite name for this practice. It doesn't sound that bad (I mean it's not like it's Maisie Daisy or something) and middle names don't get used that often.

Do not put the last name up for negotiation. Tradition is babies get the same last name as mum, I don’t know where this sudden male entitlement to last names has come from or why women are complying with it.

I don't understand the naming after predecessors at all. Each child is a new separate human being. The child isn't a tool to alleviate adult's grief. A name is there for the child, not a child for the name.

Two middle names:

Willow Grace Wilhelmina
Willow Joy Wilhelmina
Willow Maud Wilhelmina
Willow Dawn Wilhelmina

Good luck OP. Remember you have quite a long time (a year?) after the birth to register/ change the first name… And I believe it’s not uncommon once a bevy is born to realise that a preferred name, however beautiful, does not “fit” them somehow, eg “this baby is a Clementine not a Samantha” so who knows…

Just call her Wilhelmena known as Willow, no middle name
Simple

A baby is born (not a bevy!)

He’s admitted the Willow is his favourite as it’s a nod to his mums nickname(Will, Willie) he can’t be the one to choose both first and middle. There needs to be compromised.

my friend was bullied/manipulated into using 2 names for their baby as her dh went on and on and on and she eventually gave in, regretting it ever since.

poor baby having 2 names that sound extremely similar.

if he’s that adamant about the middle name there is no way he will change his name if you get married.

He was Icelandic though. That's how Icelandic names work.

So your husband has how then decided on first name, middle name and surname.

The first thing I’d say is dont give the baby his surname whatever her first names turn out to be. He sounds controlling and obsessive.

I understand the idea of honouring parents/grandparents/great-grandparents, but where does it stop? Each parent of a baby has/had 4 GPs and 2 parents. Thats 12 names in total. They can’t all be honoured. More importantly, often the names don’t go. Say you decide to honour both grandmothers and so you get Charlotte Doris Betsy or some clunky combination? It just sounds horrible and the focus is on the clunky names not the child as an individual.

Wilhelmina is an ugly name IMO and it doesn’t go with Willow (or Olive really). If he won’t compromise by using a shortened form of it like Mina, then don’t use it. Mina would still be a tribute and a link to her.

The easiest thing to do to stop this agonising is to do what my ex-H and I agreed - no naming after relatives. It made things so much easier and meant our DC had names we really liked, names that went together, and names that were them.

But grace doesn't just mean in the physical sense; there is grace of mind/outlook. Although I find it odd and irksome that many if not most of the virtue names are feminine ones, when really they name attributes that should be hoped for and admired in anybody, male or female. Right can of worms there.

Yes, like Magnus Magnusson?

Is he always like this where he refuses any kind of compromise? He sounds so selfish! Lots of alternatives are so much better:

Willow Mina
Willow Billie
Willow Hemina

All still lovely tributes to MIL.

I had a crazy debate with DH over DS2.

DS1 was named after DH's grandad. Fine by me as I liked the name. I got the middle name.

DH wanted to make DS2 after his OTHER grandad. I said hard no, but he could have the middle name.

DH tried to argue that it wasn't fair I got to choose the name of I wasn't going to name him after one of my male relatives.

dS2 was five days old when finally FIL came up with some random great uncle with the name to placate DH.

People are weird about baby names.

Willow Wilhelmina is a terrible name to saddle a child with, because of the first two syllables being the same. I bet he wouldn’t call his son Benji Benjamin or William Wilbur, it’s ridiculous.

You are the mother who has gone through 9 months of pregnancy, and will be giving birth. You get the final say, he can sulk all he wants. When he pushes a watermelon out of his nether regions he can have the final say.

Willow Mina and Olive Wilhelmina are both lovely names and very good compromises.

All of this!

Or, call your dd Willow [second name] Wilhelmina] your surname].

I've not read the full thread but did your MIL not have a middle name?

He's being extremely unreasonable - what an awful name to saddle a baby with.

You'll regret giving in if you do but definitely stick to your guns on your dd having your surname.

Well, they sound dreadful together, but I’d probably just interject a second middle name in between them and try not to think about it.