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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
OilOfRoses · 21/08/2023 06:41

OilOfRoses · 21/08/2023 06:40

Please be aware that if you do 1 name, 2 name, 3 name, last name you are assigning your child a lifetime of nightmares filling out forms. I often find forms won't take my name as it's often 1-3 characters long.

1-3 characters too long, that is.

Oohiwonder · 21/08/2023 07:00

As you DP is being so awkward, I’d be reminding him that, legally, as you aren’t married, you are the only one who can register the baby’s birth, so at the end of the day it is down to you! Might make him see reason a bit!

WeirdBarbie · 21/08/2023 07:16

Came here to say YABU, but honestly “Willow Wilhelmina” is absolutely ridiculous, and you’re clearly trying to compromise so now I’m strongly YANBU.

Willow Mina is lovely. Unusual, and lovely and sounds like the whole name is a tribute to his mum. Even Willow Helmina is cool imo.

Olika · 21/08/2023 07:23

This is ridiculous. So he wants Willow as it reminds him of his mum's name and then his mum's name as a middle name. Tell him if he is having Wilhelmina as the middle name then you will decide on the first name and it won't be Willow.

Cascade39 · 21/08/2023 07:24

All my children have 2 middle names, and all honour parents or grandparents somehow. My 2nd daughter's middle names are Sonja-Rita, which are both fairly old fashioned names. And my youngest daughter's middle names are Audrey-Danielle. Audrey is very old fashioned but it's DP's nans name and he really wanted it so we went with it.

The more I have read Willow Wilhelmina on this thread the more I actually like it (but I am kind of kooky with names 😂) you really.could consider a 2nd middle name to break it up or ground it.

I will say your DP is being a complete pain now though and not compromising AT ALL which is really not fair. You have offered him several compromises which he has flat out refused. So he needs to give his head a wobble and meet you in the middle (sorry unintentional bad pun!)

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 07:26

I really do think you should allow Wilhelmina as a middle name if this is something that your DH desperately wants to do. It is just a middle name, nobody uses them.

Of course it does not go with Willow though, but I think that is the name you should revisit. It is in any case cute on a baby or young child, but pretty naff later on.

Dancerr · 21/08/2023 07:35

I love Willow Mena like someone suggested!
When you say it, it sounds just like you late mil name.

Dancerr · 21/08/2023 07:38

Or you could have
Willow 1st middle name Wilhomena surname which breaks it up better.
For example - Willow Charlotte Wilhomena Jones

Bluejaybean · 21/08/2023 07:42

Based on your updates op I would offer him:

Willow Olive Wilhelmina (surname)
Or
Olive Wilhelmina (surname)

Then he can choose between the name Willow and thinking four names is 'too much.' He will have to compromise on something because you don't like the way Willow Wilhelmina flows.

I do think it's fair to want your late mother's name as a middle name and good that he is willing for the babies' surname to be yours now. I'd present him with the two options above and ask him to think about it.

JenWillsiam · 21/08/2023 07:53

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:36

he is saying he isn't forcing the first name as the first name is the name we both have as favourite and agree on and it is just the middle name he is asking for. how is he not understanding that if he won't change the first name, he is forcing the first name... in his eyes he isn't as i wanted that name too! yes, but not with wilhelmina... he says i should look at them separately and realise we both agreed willow as our favourite name, he gets wilhelmina and baby gets my surname until marriage so it is all fair and i am being difficult by saying no to wilhelmina with willow but yes to it with a first name we don't like as much. there is no sorting this right now, deffo need to sleep on it and hopefully he will bring a useful answer to the table in the morning

Until marriage? Nah nah. That’s him getting it his way. You can’t start changing children’s names.

Totaly · 21/08/2023 07:53

I would hate my children to do this over my name - which I hate anyway.

I want my children to choose their own names.

I do wonder how second born kids feel when they are named - one with a connect one without rather than the parents deciding on a name just for them.

SchoolBlazers · 21/08/2023 07:58

Why does a "feminine version" of the OP's surname have to be considered? Just use the surname. Middle names don't all have to be Rose, Lee, Anne, Sarah etc etc. It is very very normal to use a surname as a middle name. Both of my boys have my birth surname as a middle name. And it's not a surname like Cooper or Clark which you would sometimes find as a given name.

Personally I think Willow Wilhelmina is fine. It doesn't matter if it doesn't "flow". You are not going to be shouting for Willow Wilhelmina at the playpark or in Tesco.

Farmersswife · 21/08/2023 08:03

I think you are being pretty unreasonable to be honest. My DS has my late father’s middle name not my favourite but means the world to DH it rarely comes up anywhere & I think it’s nice names are passed down. I think I’d baby is going to have your surname giving dad the middle name is nice as she has some connections to her fathers side.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

OP posts:
Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

*match

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/08/2023 08:12

Honestly I think Willow + your surname is the best possible outcome, that's the name she will use and be known by. You don't like Wilhelmina as a middle name but it means so much to him and it won't be used anyway.

Naunet · 21/08/2023 08:13

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

He’s being a selfish prick, he doesn’t get all three names. You’ve grown and will birth this baby, why does he think he’s in charge of names? Don’t give the baby his last name, you’re not married and you might never be, you never know 100%

MimiSunshine · 21/08/2023 08:15

thunderthunder3 · 21/08/2023 08:06

first thing he said to me after waking up is "i really really want willow wilhelmina" maybe stupid but i have said we can go for it if she gets my surname and he changes his to much us when we marry. he is "thinking about it"

I know it’s a head fuck for you right now but don’t move from this position. YOU don’t have to tie yourself up in knots trying to make it all work.

you’re not keen on the middle name, he’s having a patriarchal moment where he’ll either ‘come to Jesus’ on the absurdity of it automatically being the man’s surname and live with your surname or he’ll back down on the middle name to keep the patriarchy alive.

but if you like Willow ‘Stephenson’ then just focus on that. And when you go to baby groups and someone asks does little Willow have a middle name, you can just say no 🙊

Gazelda · 21/08/2023 08:16

SFHJ · 20/08/2023 22:54

My mum died when I was a small kid, my dps mum died when he was a kid too and when we first spoke about having kids I said the only thing I was set on was a daughter of mine would have mums middle name. He said the same. Our eldest dd has both names as middle names.
my siblings daughter has it as a middle name and two of mu dps siblings have it as a middle name for their daughters.

if you have not lost a parent and miss them so much, you cannot know what it is like going through this stage of changing your whole life by becoming a parent and not having your parent included in that.

I couldn't agree with your last sentence more. It was very difficult to go through that experience without my mother by my side. And ever since, too.

However, OP's DP is now being stubborn to the point of obsessive.

If I were OP, I'd drop the subject completely.

"DP, I really can't agree to Willow Wilhelmina Jones. I'm exhausted by this argument now. Let's drop it and talk again at the weekend"

Time will give both parents the opportunity to consider all options and a willingness to compromise.

2pence · 21/08/2023 08:19

Why can't her first name be Wilhelmina? Known as Willow while young or as she chooses when she has her own autonomy.

It's a far superior name to Willow for a powerful women, and is uncommon and striking.

Willow is pretty with no power. Can you imagine a female CEO named Willow? Willow is someone's pretty girlfriend or wife, or a cute little girl when younger. And what happens if she's not pretty or cute, how will she wear the name then? Conversely, a Wilhelmina holds power.

purser25 · 21/08/2023 08:19

Why not have two middle names the first from your side of the family then his Mothers name

watcherintherye · 21/08/2023 08:20

I haven’t read the full thread, so someone might have suggested this already! You’re not restricted to one middle name, so you could break up the awkwardness of the two names together, by having e.g. Willow Alice Wilhelmina. So it would be there, but second, and definitely third names are rarely used!

watcherintherye · 21/08/2023 08:22

X post!!

Westfacing · 21/08/2023 08:24

Willow is a lovely name, and I like the name Wilhelmina - it's very elegant!

As already suggested, why not Wilhelmina as her official name but always to be known as Willow.

Just as from the outset Prince Harry was to be Harry, rather than his official name of Henry.

A friend's grandson is officially Maximillian but known to all as Max, just as so many other people are known by a diminutive.

Summerrainagain1 · 21/08/2023 08:24

Will you have more kids? You can say Willow is a tribute, and commit to using it for the next one (boy version obvs if boy).

But really middle names don't matter. I would have been really upset had my DH refused to use my mum's middle name for DD. We also have DS my FIL's IMO awful name as a middle name (and he is still alive), because who cares? It's a middle name that will never be used and it's a nice connection to your family.