To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

So as I said before I will not defend myself as I have no right to as what I did was indefensible

Look, OP I am the absolute last person to defend the OW (and my story is long and painful and believe me, it would be rejected as a soap:opera script for being so implausible!) but you also need to realise you were young, in a vulnerable position, and probably deserapte for some security. This makes married men a good bet…and it makes you, and women like you, easy to take advantage of. You are not solely to blame for what happened. He was married, not you!

I have always said in my situation that I felt for the OW because it was clear to me that for every lie he had told me, he had told her 10 more. If you have been happy with this man,ifyou trust him and see a future with him, you need to face these demons head on. You need some good counselling. You can take responsibility for your actions without taking responsibility for his. But what I think you need to work out is whether or not you want to be with someone who isn’t taking responsibility for their actions.

I can understand you being young and stupid . What’s cannot grasp is why haven’t you in 16 years insisted on him trying to form a relationship with his children or you seeing the fact he doesn’t mind is a huge red flag . I know this is 100% his responsibility but due to the situation Why haven’t you pushed it more ?
I can understand people falling in love with others but leaving their children is awful .

Life doesn't come with a handbook OP.

Everyone makes mistakes, there are things we could all do better. You've moved on and grown, you don't need to keep punishing yourself.

This is one rare occasion I haven't read the entire thread because I know the kind of vitriol that the oh so perfect Mumsnetters like to pour on people who can admit they are not infallible. You can bet your bottom dollar that they've done things to be ashamed of.

His first marriage was obviously not right and may have ended anyway.

I know one super lady, she's absolutely wonderful. However she is so embittered about her husband leaving her for another woman when she had young kids after a short marriage that is has coloured her whole life. She's the perfect example of how to practise parental alienation, the kids have been poisoned against him. Yet her ex husband has now been married to the OW for over forty years. It's wasn't a whim, or a flash in the pan. People can and do marry the wrong person. Yes, what he did was wrong but in the end, not staying in an unhappy marriage was the right thing to do. Sometimes it is just better to accept what happened and move on.

@otherwomanregrets

Stop. Just stop.
You won't make anything better by fretting, and you'd make things worse by apologising.

If he hadn't taken up with you, he would have found someone else. If he'd have been determined to be faithful to his wife, he would have been. 8 weeks to leaving just shows he was half-way out the door when you found him and gave him somewhere to go.

Will he leave you for someone else? He might. Any of them might, at any time, no matter how often their women post on MN about how much they trust them. And you. You might leave. Women do that too.

Nice life? Quids in then. Nothing to complain about.
You got your nice life on the back of someone else's misery? So has every capitalist in the existence of organised society. Don't let it eat you up.

You're not nice and you wanted to win? Right now I'm convinced your post is made up to set MNers off... 😂But, maybe you are real, and really not nice... you'd be surprised how many people in the world are absolute shits. Don't give it a thought.

Forget your 'regret'. No-one needs it. You got the life you wanted. The first family got rid of a dodgy bloke who wanted out and was happy to cheat.

It isn't 'all your fault'. You were just convenient, and you still are or he wouldn't be with you. That's fine. No problem.

So many points in your opening post seem designed to strike chords with deserted wives. Your 'tainted' relationship, for example. If you are for real, just get on and enjoy your life.

The thing is, OP, you can't change the past now. What you did back then was wrong, and you recognise that now. You're paying for it by having to live with that guilt/those regrets and by having that constant niggle about your DH's character.

You were wrong to knowingly get involved with a married man, but your H was the one who was more in the wrong. He had made a commitment to his wife and he had obligations to his child. I would struggle to get past the knowledge of his betrayal of them, especially as he doesn't seem to feel especially guilty. Is he not that bothered about the fact that his oldest child doesn't want to have anything to do with him?

FWIW, I don't think you're a bad person, I just think you made a stupid mistake which you now regret with the benefit of hindsight. We all make mistakes and we have to live with them. I think what your H did was more than just a mistake though, and I don't think I could stay with him in your situation.

My uncle had an affair and it was horrendous but his wife (the OW) they've had 4 children and are still madly in love 30 years later. So I feel like even the way it happened was horrendous, they was meant to be.

If my husband cheated on me and left me id hope the OW was his life partner till the end of time.

We’re not married in the real sense. It really is just a piece of paper now. It suits me. I thought very smart and still do.

Peak Mumsnet. The level of discount here is so Jeremy Kyle.

"It's one thing to leave your wife for another woman but why would you stop seeing your children?It's one thing to leave your wife for another woman but why would you stop seeing your children?"

Nope.

Men who continue to see their first biological children when they have moved onto a new partner often only demonstrate that they regard women as wombs and facilitators of their children who have no other meaning or value to them.
If you are having children with this man, even if he is seeing his children from his first wife,remember he regarded his first wife as entirely dispensible and has the capacity to regard you the same way and to see any children from your relationship in the same way once he has moved on from you.

Do you think she has, though? I think all that’s happened is that she’s now in the position her husband’s ex was in (children, house, family) and she’s realised she’d really hate it if her husband left them all for a younger woman.

I don’t know if I’d call that growth or empathy. It’s still 100% self-centred - ‘but what if this happened to meeee?’

God love you.

What a dreadful guilt to carry.

You were so young and yes self absorbed, but your husband was a huge 10 years older than you.

Relationships break up and it is a part of life.

His wife is happy and has moved on.

Sounds like if it wasn't you it would definitely have been someone else as he was looking for a way out.

I think your guilt is a waste of energy.

The best way is to assuage it as best you can with positive actions.

Your husbands acceptance of not seeing his child ever again, it being worth it to him as the price of his own happiness is to me deeply distastful.

He is being honest, but as a mother it really is distasteful.

I would be encouraging him to reach out and to make an effort for the sake of his 12 year old that must carry awful grief, confusion and scars.

Not for your husband, but for the sake of the child that was obviously deeply affected.

I would be TELLING him he needs to do this.

He needs to write a letter of deep sorrow, regret and apology.

That he knows he caused terrible grief and confusion and deeply regrets it.

That he knows that it can never been forgiven and forgotten, but that he wants them to know his sincere sorrow and to wish them well and know they were always deeply loved and always will be.

That child deserves a letter owning the wrong that was done to them.

A decent man would do this.
He needs to act like one.

Counselling for yourself would be a good idea.

None of us remain the same and we are often very different in our 40's to our 20's in our actions and understanding of the world around us and how it works.

Unfortunately you deserve how you feel & worse your children will know what you did/are in the future (that will also be hard for you) and i guess everyone who knows you will also know. But you do sound remorseful but they (exwife & first children ) probably don't care now as you really won the prize (a man who was such a good father his children - want nothing to do with him) Congratulations 👏

Sorry, just to add we don’t live together and haven’t for a long time. We’re not even in contact anymore apart from once a year when we see our accountant.

I think it’s pretty clear what she wants. She wants people to confirm her very worst thoughts of herself and knew that MN was the place to come. For a forum obsessed with ‘the script’ it’s ironic that the reaction was so predictable.

But to do that he would need to admit to himself that he had been in the wrong and men like that can't face the truth. He has an image of himself in his head and he won't do anything that would challenge it - that's why they gaslight.

Your dh sounds like a spineless shit. What a man. He needed another woman (a young one at that) to be able to remove himself from an unhappy marriage instead of facing it head on, getting out, living alone for a bit then looking for someone more suitable. No wonder his kids despise him.

I think you sound a little self righteous and a little self absorbed,
what is done is done, it was 16 years ago, there is no point having a pity party

If you wanted your husbands first set of children to have a relationship with
your kids, you and your husband( mainly your husband) should have facilitated that a long time ago , its too late now

The main reason his children don't talk to him is because he abandoned them and their mother and he gave up on them, that is your husbands sins, not yours

you didn't "steal" your husband away from his first wife, he wanted to be with you, he wanted a family with you and he didn't want to be with his ex any more
You need to face the decisions you made back then, accept them and move on

Maybe you can do something to make up for the situation by telling his ex wife that you're sorry, and can your children meet their half siblings. Also tell your children that you feel guilty and they have half siblings who don't want to see their father, so they don't think it's OK to do the same themselves.

its the husband that needs to apologise to his ex wife and his kids
he is the only one who can join two families together

I agree . My partner was left by his ex wife after a 10 year marriage and despite being a very hard situation ( they had 2 kids and she left him for a woman ) , they eventually agreed they had to make it work so the kids didn’t suffer . They now have a good co parenting relationship as my partner decided it was not worth it to be resentful forever . Don’t crake me wrong , I can still she how painful the whole situation was for him even 8 years after but his ex and her partner are still together , the kids are ok because they managed to forgive mum ( the oldest was 13 was very resentful towards her ) and both our families are balanced and doing our best to co parent now as as blended families . Keeping the gate and resentful going for years or decades is not the way .
The OP needs to realise everyone makes mistakes and although what she did was not ok , most of the fault is not on her and certainly not on her children

He left his own children, no contact and brought up someone else's? Nah, he's neither a good dad or a catch.

We were those same children left behind, our mother went on to have a couple of volatile relationships (I think caused by the trust issues our 'father' left her with) and that has impacted all our lives and relationships.

The ripples spread widely OP.

It's a sign of maturity and thoughtfulness that you are now looking back on the past and can see how the actions of your husband and yourself would have negatively affected the other people in this situation. Maybe it might help you to untangle these thoughts and feeling with a counsellor. My husband left me for another woman when our baby was 7 months old and it is an understatement to say that it tore my life apart but I am hardly going to have a go at you for what happened in my life. Reading your post made me wonder if the "other woman" in my life ever thinks of me and has regrets about things. She and my ex married and had 3 kids, ex paid no child support to me and she dominated him to the extent that he ended up hardly ever seeing our child. Their marriage broke up as they apparently had an "open relationship" ( I know people who know them so heard this on the grapevine). To add perspective I too have been the "other woman" but never wanted to live with my then-lover, I now feel ashamed when I look back at this but my only excuse was that I was in a very vulnerable place as a recently divorced single mum when I did this. I haven't got any advice for you, just to say that many of us do things when we are young that we probably wouldn't do if we had more life experience and self awareness. Maybe be a bit kinder to yourself, if a friend was telling you all this, how would you respond to them? I guess you would listen thoughtfully and try not to judge them

It’s pretty warped on both sides. Many posters are deriving as much sadistic pleasure from kicking OP as she is drawing masochistic validation from their censure.

@BalletBob - in the real world people are much more forgiving and don’t behave like something out of Eastenders. I’m not a psychopath - my friends and family, including my ex and my older two DCs have great relationships now. That’s because there is an acknowledgment that the initial relationships were flawed. Of course I wish it hadn’t been necessary but it was. I still see my ex and his new family, we have co,parented very successfully and the fact that twenty years on my relationship is still strong suggests it was the right decision.

I don't think he does feel that guilty, no. When we've talked about it he just says he was so unhappy when he was married before. and while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship

Nobody suggests he should be beating himself up day in day out, but this level of self-interest and lack of empathy is chilling - and if he was so unhappy he could have left the marriage then looked round for someone else

I suspect you already know this, OP, and that your real worry is based in the knowledge that the same is very likely coming your way. No point in "being furious" if and when it does though - as someone who chose to be the OW yourself you can hardly complain if someone else does the same