To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

But perhaps the children don’t want to meet their younger siblings. Perhaps they just don’t want any part of what went on.

If it was me I couldn’t care less what happened to them one way or the other.

I'm sorry you went through that ♥️

As someone whose father did this, all I can say is thank you for posting this. I wish the OW my father left his family for had the same perspective, I’m sure she doesn’t but it helps to think some OW do.

If you are in a happy mariage, you don't fall in love with someone and leave after 8 weeks so I would definitely believe he was not happy.
Sounds like he married when he was also young and immature and made a bad choice. What you did wasn't great but sounds like the relationship was doomed and he would have left anyway so the break down of the mariage was inevitable but you did get caught up in the firing line.

You might have saved her from years of being unloved and heartache if he had stayed. The main victim here is obviously the child, if he had just left her with out having another women, he might have salvaged the relationship. The timing was wrong, I don't think you were the cause and I think it would have been easier for all with no cross over.

OP I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, not least because I imagine many of them won’t be pleasant etc.

This won’t go down well, but I believe there is a difference between someone who strings their wife and kids and the OW along for months/years and one who leaves after a matter of weeks.

The former implies that they’re just a lying cheat who likes to have their cake and eat it, the latter for me says that the marriage genuinely wasn’t happy and that meeting someone else gave them the courage to leave.

No, it’s never ideal for it to get that far, but the likelihood is that the marriage was unhappy and wouldn’t have lasted anyway.

Ultimately what’s done is done and you can’t turn back the clock.

I also think the children are adults now and would question how it is that they’ve arrived at a point where they still have nothing to do with their father. Because truth is that most children do develop a relationship with the OW, and I’d be wondering whether the mum turned them against him.

I’m not for one minute excusing what he did, but life is rarely black and white.

I have a cousin who left his partner for someone else, in the beginning even his parents took her side, looked after her children, took her in, but in time he and his parents started speaking again, because let’s be honest, he’s their son, and the instant they did she cut them off from the kids, blocked all contact, even to the point that when the dd rang her grandparents to say hello as she’d had a really close relationship with them, the mum walked in and took the phone and told them never to speak to them again.

It gives an insight into why the relationship maybe ended. Many people are completely innocent victims in affairs. But many marriages are unhappy, and the way the cheated on party acts afterwards is often an indication as to what the relationship was really like.

That is a massive red flag.

what about his first children? The children he abandoned?
he seems like a horrible father.

and yes, that would cause me a lot of anxiety.

In regards to your guilt: that’s probably understandable and unavoidable.

but you really don’t bear most of the responsibility here. He decided to cheat, leave his wife and his children.
and it’s very likely that he would have found some other woman willing to be the OW (which is a despicable thing!) if you hadn’t fallen for him. But you didn’t force him to be a shitty father!

the fact that he left so quickly does suggest that he had decided to leave before starting the affair. It was probably just a matter of securing an other option before doing so. Which is also really shitty and cowardly.

My DH’s dad left his mum for his affair partner. They’ve got a 16 year age gap and have been together for longer now than he was with DH’s mum.

there’s no rancour in DH & his parents relationship now. Because FIL although behaved awfully towards MIL in how he went about leaving her. He behaved with utmost integrity during the divorce and financial settlement and fought tooth and nail to maintain his relationship with his children even though he was initially met with anger and deep hurt from them.

my DH & SIL have a very close and loving relationship with SMIL’s DC & their half siblings. The kids behaved amazingly during the fall out time. And absolutely love eachother.

SMIL is considered part of the family and MIL doesn’t dislike her, I think she has a ‘rather her than me’ approach.

I don’t think the relationship would be so close had FIL behaved badly to MIL and DH & SIL during the divorce though.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat 💐💐♥️

Love how my post got deleted for saying you reap what you sow. Too much for the OW here?

In your first paragraph...That's how he describes his first marriage

I agree it sounds like some years have passed and you are only now having a wobble over who he has showed himself to be as a person. It sounds like your gut is telling you there’s something round the corner, and now you’re trying to shake it off by repenting.

I haven't read the whole thread and really don't want to.

My view and IME is that the family have got over the break up and probably view it as "we dodged a bullet there" and now see you and your H for the people you are and don't want the kind of people you are in their circle.

For the posters saying the OP’s husband was not happy I’m his relationship. That is completely irrelevant and does not make the start of their relationship any more palatable or acceptable.
if the husband was indeed unhappy, he should have left. But as many of us know, too many people are absolute cowards and are only prepared to leave a current relationship one they find a replacement.
I think we can all agree that if the OP’s husband had left “pre affair”, it is lilkely that he would have had a chance to prepare his children and when, he had eventually got with a new partner, it would have been easier for his children to understand and consequently, less likely that the father-child relationship would be breakdown.

just because it’s been many years, it doesn’t mean OP husban won’t cheat.
he has show how very little regard he has for family and he could do it in a heartbeat.
it many people, family is a drawing made using pencil, you can easily erase and start afresh.

Sorry, you seem to have matures but I do hope you get to experience some of the pain you have caused.

i was cheated on and although I mostly blame him, when I found out, I was so upset I cried and had words with her over a telephone call- she was an absolute nightmare and laughed at me.

Not my finest hour I must admit. Ex was very remorseful and I did try to forgive but broke up with him a few months later as I couldn’t trust him.

good luck

Unfortunately you cannot change the past, what is done is done. All you can do is acknowledge your faults and resolve to be the best person you can. As for the guilt, that is something you will just have to live with but don’t let it ruin your life now, self loathing is a negative and corrosive mindset.

Tread carefully in future, and be at peace with yourself.

OP isn’t your exDH’s OW. I wonder if you feel any better for speaking to her as if she were.

I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

Well this isn't true. Your husband made a choice. Obviously you aren't blameless, but it's not your fault your husband doesn't see his children. You didn't steal him.

That's not absolving you of responsibility for what you did do, but it's not all on you.

Oh for goodness sake op!! It was sixteen years ago! I’m sure I was an absolute idiot all through my twenties but I was a different person then. Attractive women that age are competitive - it just isn’t spoken about. Why do you think the young women on Instagram are doing what they do? They’re trying to outdo each other and get the most male attention. It’s easy to look back and think ‘God I was awful and pathetic’ but that’s what hormones do.

It seems like you’re determined today to beat yourself up. You’re already doing it so you’re inviting others to do the same. You’re just being daft!

That’s life though isn’t it? I say this as someone whose dad left for an OW and I love him dearly. Sometimes you get serial cheaters who clearly are bad news and sometimes you get people who are in unhappy marriages and can’t help who they fall in love with. They then go on to have successful marriages as they have found the right one whereas they should’ve never married their first spouse. I do have a certain sympathy with the latter and it seems your DH is this kind.

It sounds like your gut is telling you there’s something round the corner, and now you’re trying to shake it off by repenting

An insightful comment, @Jamtartforme

Children should't need to choose. Lots of us divorce and our children don't choose. In my experience the children who have to choose are children under pressure from one parent and I think doing that to a child is worse than moving out.

There's no point in lending my opinion on people who cheat and break up families (theirs and other people's) but I will offer a perspective on why you might be unable to let this go which I don't think had been mentioned so far:

Not only do I think there is residual fear that he will do this to you, which I think is a reasonable fear to be honest, but you also know he feels no guilt about what he did which must affect your view of him as a person, consciously or subconsciously. He's also content with not seeing his first child and it doesn't sound like he made much effort to do so. Ditto. Heartless. Could easily do the same again.

Finally, an 11/12 heart old child continued to see him for a year AFTER he left and then chose to stop, forever. That doesn't strike me as normal - what on earth went on there? You must surely wonder about the truth of what happened there too. It wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the affair; it was a year's delay. How did he treat his first child? How did he treat their mother (while in a relationship and afterwards)? Did he make any effort whatsoever to continue contact? How does he have his 12 year old child's bank details now their in their 20s to continue making payments? There's something word in the background here which you either don't mention or don't know.

In short, I think there's a lot of mistrust nagging at you beyond just the possibly he may cheat on you too.

Is this getting somewhere close to the truth?

I don't really think you're to blame. You were single, young and stupid and have clearly matured emotionally. He sounds pretty cut throat. Are you sure you're not more worried about him doing the same to you?

Or some people might stay when they are unhappy because they think it is better for the children. Then they meet someone, fall in love and they realise that their happiness also matters and if the ex is reasonable it can work out for the children.

The bitter ex poisoning the children can do more harm than the original break up.

There’s no point hashing over the past. If he didn’t leave for you he would of for someone else eventually.

You have a good life, kids, husband. Just be happy.

I also met my husband when he was with someone else, he left quickly and we went on to have two kids and get married (he wasn’t married the first time). I feel no guilt, it was years ago and I was also young.