To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

The hair shirt is a waste of time, spend a little bit of the thought and energy contigency planning what you would do if he fills the vacancy he created when he married you. He might not ever, but it's no harm to have the sketch of a plan just in case.
It's probably worth quietly trying to find out if the money he is sending to his first child is really going to her. It may well be (I had a friend whose dad skipped out the door with the OW and used to fling guilt money at my friend from afar- she took it, reasoning that she and her not especially well off mum might as well benefit from it rather than cheaty dad and OW).
Have a rough idea of what you would do if you ever find out that he's cheating or has cheated on you in the past. You did the pick me dance once before and it worked, try to work out whether you would do it again- although if you would, please please don't use "getting pregnant" as the judge-wowing full twisting doubleback somersault signature move of the dance like you did last time.
Then put the contingency plan into an emergency box on the shelf in your mind, blow the dust off every few years and update the contents, then put it back on the shelf and hope you never need it, and get on with your life.

WTF? I hope you're proud to be married to such a prince.

It is just one adult child (mid-late 20s)

I agree with all the comments calling me awful etc as it is exactly what I think of myself . So as I said before I will not defend myself as I have no right to as what I did was indefensible

I am going to seek counselling though I think .

It sounds like you have matured a lot in the time since you have got together. My biggest issue (in your shoes) would now be seeing your husband for who he is. A man who was weak willed and prepared to break his own vows. His lack of integrity and decency and empathy towards his wife and child would make me see him through different eyes. Why chase a younger woman other than for ego boosting and to get laid?

They spin a yarn as old as time then go back snd rewrite their marriage because they are not prepared to say they are a flawed person. It must be someone else’s fault- he had no control over his actions, the wife made him or he couldn’t help but fall in love etc etc. It was beyond his control! It’s all a load of tosh. The fact he didn’t have the foresight to end his marriage correctly and have the boundaries in place to not cheat (I believe the first person a cheater betrays is themselves, your integrity keeps you faithful as it should be a core value) shows you he was/is. All these years later he still believes the same script.

You have no choice but to forgive yourself and hopefully you are now someone you can be proud of. But if he is reluctant to say he behaved badly and he is not truly remorseful for his actions then I guess he hasn’t matured or grown and that isn’t great to realise about your spouse. But it’s certainly not your job to push him into seeing his child. That’s down to him.

Hopefully they are now happy without him. Maybe write a letter and then burn it alone or throw into the sea and take a moment to wish them well for their future and apologise. Then forgive yourself and move on with your life.

I agree with
LaurelandHedgy · Today 13:31

Whilst it is true that many many "first"marriages where neither of the parties were cheating when the relationship started do infact end in divorce, sometimes as a result of one of the parties cheating;
What is undeniable when you get into a serious relationship with someone who cheated is that you are marrying someone who is prepared to and has a history of cheating.

I don't necessarily believe "once a cheater always a cheater" but i do believe that the past is the best predictor of future behaviour / events.

Probably not, I’d advise him to stop giving them money and use it for his other children and step children,

You were young and selfish and have since matured and learnt life lessons. Nothing unusual OP and that is the point of learning and growing as a human

I do think writing it down and burning it would be useful. Plus you can do it whenever and it’s private.

Abd if you haven’t then read some Brene Brown on shame. You need to let go, you can’t change what you did.

He says he regrets even meeting his first wife and wishes he could have met me first. Kind of impossible though as I'm 10 years younger and he got married early 20s I think

i think this comment will have all the spurned wives hunting you down. 😂

Move on, OP. 💐

I will not berate you at all. Your conscious is punishing you enough. If you're a faith based person, seek peace in prayer and repentance.

I have been cheated on.

But what I will say is, it's very brave of you to accept what you did, and I think that's a step in the right direction. You've become an example for every OW, of how all that glitters isn't gold.

Please don't try to contact the original family. They don't deserve to be put in a position of having to choose between justifiable anger and resentment, and having to take the high road of accepting hour apology, and trying to build a relationship with your children. That's just not how the world works.

As for how you're feeling; as someone who was cheated on, I always said, the criminal is the person who has made a commitment to the marriage, and I would never even let my mind get to what I think of the OW, because it would amount to nothing but more hate and resentment, and quite frankly speaking, I don't think the OW deserves an ounce of energy.

My point is, your now husband is the one who should be feeling like you, and if he isn't, then that's an absolute shame. He's ruined one family, to make another, with a girl who's now grown to be a self aware, mature woman of sound mind. If he doesn't have the same growth, he wasn't worth either of you.

I'd let it go now. You're older and wiser, and we all make mistakes in life.

Second marriages can often be very different to first marriages - your DH is no more likely to cheat than anyone else.

Put it behind you and move on - the past cannot be changed.

That stupid trope... mistress, vacancy... trotted out on every thread by women living in eternal hope that it becomes true.

What about a natty phrase for the bog standard women who marry men who then leave them? Have we anything for that?

Utterly ridiculous.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · Today 13:49 is a good username for you!

Some of these responses are actually unhinged. The pp who described it as self-harm is spot on.

You can't go back and change what you were a part in. You can't change the fact that your current relationship may, yes, end the same way as it started. But you have remorse, and morals have grown in you. Raise your children to know how wrong cheating is and the lives it can uproot and destroy for many, many years after the event and you may prevent your own dc doing it to someone else.

If its any consolation OP, given the choice I'd be her rather than you every time.
She isn't the one living with an older man she'll never fully trust, that she knows chose youth over loyalty, and might again, that can happily get on with a new life without his children in it.
While she's been badly hurt, she may well feel she'd already had the best of him, and doesnt much want what's left anyway.
If you're happy, then just get on and enjoy it. Most women in her position aren't sitting around mourning their sad specimen of a cheating ex 16 years later, so your pity is likely misplaced now.

It’s a knee jerk Mumsnet phrase - never any nuance on these threads. Not really sure what OP wants though.

One thing to consider is that this is a common feeling in marriage. Not the affair part of it, but the feeling that even though you are happy, you have regrets about marrying your spouse and think you could have chosen better. So you'd probably feel the same way if you had a more conventional start to the relationship.

Did he fight to see his existing children? This would concern me more than anything.

It's one thing to leave your wife for another woman but why would you stop seeing your children?

while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

Look at your children OP. Imagine never seeing them again. Really imagine it. Even the thought of it is unbearable to me.

What kind of person is fine with it, would you say?

I've been the other woman as well. I was young (early 20s) and he was older and married. He didn't leave her .. from facebook She left him but not because she found out about me. It shocks me though that I slept with someone's husband probably 2/3 times per week for over a year. It's not who I am now.. and neither are you. Your husband's relationship with his children is on him though.

I agree with this!

OP sounds like she's getting some kind of thrill out of being ridiculed... it's a bit odd tbh

Because they’re the ‘old toys’ and he has shiny new ones now. Regardless of how great he is under OP’s roof he’s a sociopath

I think the concerning thing about his comment is him wishing his first child away. My ex is an abusive shit but I've no regrets about the relationship as without it I wouldn't have my DC. Not being thankful his child exists is nearly as chilling as choosing a relationship with woman he had recently met over that child.