To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

As may any other married woman, no matter how her relationship started. Pointless comment.

@otherwomanregrets You know how you regret how your relationship started, and how you can't relate to that younger version of yourself now? That's proof that people do grow up, become wiser and earn how to make better decisions by having made a series of bad ones.

What makes you think your husband hasn't also grown up and changed the way he thinks?

He cheated on his wife in what, his mid-30s? And he's around 50 now? Plenty of men do a lot of growing up in that period, and he's still with you now. He hasn't left you.

You both caused a lot of damage and hurt 16 years ago. It doesn't mean either of you would do that again now.

I don't condone your actions in the past, but that doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up until you die. You can't undo the pain you caused, but you can learn from it.

My friend’s husband left her and their baby for another woman.

He’s still happily married to the OW almost 20 years later. He’s not a bad person, a ‘narcissist or psychopath’, nor has he strayed since. Marriages end. He behaved badly but ultimately followed his heart and I don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage for the sake of children.

MN seems to always go down the ‘once a cheater…’ trope and think that people that are unfaithful should be tormented forever with guilt. It’s daft. Loads of people stray, it’s just a fact of life.

I agree your DH was the main one at fault here. He was the one who was married. He was the one who'd made vows with his ex. He was the one having an extra marital affair. He was the one who chose to shag around outside his marriage. Yes, you were the OW, but he chose to do that to his family and if he hadn't been up for doing that, you couldn't have played your role. So yes, you are also partly to blame, but I lay far more of that blame at his door.

Many years ago I was the DC of a man who did this. He's also still with the OW. She has suffered with depression and anxiety her whole life. I only found this out quite recently. I have often wondered if she feels a bit like you do. In her case, I fucking hope she does, because what she did was worse than what you did. She was friends with my DM, she was older, she was always round our house, she knew damn well what she was doing. You, at least, didn't do that.

not read the whole thread

but i have read enough to comment that children's entire lives are completely and utterly changed often for the worse or far far worse as a result of extra marital affairs.
This is a consequence which the person having the affair with the father/mother of the children in question should accept as their own personal responsibility for having caused for the rest of the own lives.

Because I've now been on Mumsnet about ten years so I know all about the cheaters script

Most of the threads on here are just bullshit. We're all anonymous and hiding behind our screens so we can take the moral high ground when it suits.

We can also manipulate a situation so we get all the sympathy and support that might be lacking in real life.

And, dare I say it, at risk of adding internal misogyny to my many crimes (apparently I'm a cold hearted sociopath too) while some men, and women, do have a "script" sometimes it is the other,persons paranoia. Some times it's also better for everyone for a relationship to end for whatever reason. Just remember you don't know the whole story.

I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

Don’t expect that. It will inform your own blind spots as per how much covert influence you bring to bear should he repeat history. Don’t add the pile of children (who lug huge issues into adulthood) as collateral damage.

If you are looking to right some wrongs, talk to him about his children. Ask him if he is really doing all he can to repair broken ties. Sometimes all it takes is a full throated, no ifs, buts, or maybes, apology to crack the door open a little.

The OW, (then wife 2.0,) has been very kind to me since my father died. Despite the obviously awkward and uncomfortable circumstances has meant a lot, and been a large part in healing some long open wounds. She was the hardest to forgive, because there was no previous bond giving motivation to even try. But forgiveness came. And a heavy load came off me when it did.

You don’t have a time machine. But you do have now. You cannot change the past. But you can make genuine efforts to make now and tomorrow less awful than it currently is for some of the people in the equation.

I used to think we are what we feel. But that’s not true. We are what we do. Because our actions leave an indelible marks, whereas our feelings really don’t all that much. Having somebody do something hard, very hard. Taking a that kind of risk of harsh rejection as the price of a significant gesture of regret for how “the children” were impacted meant something. Enough to set me free of a ball and chain made of hate (the real kind) that I’d been lugging around for decades.

Mmm. His relationship with his children depends on if he still fancies the mother more than someone he might meet in a bar, or the intern at work. What a prince among men.

Hopefully you will stay together and save a couple more partners some heartache.

HE is the one who left his wife and kids. You didn’t force him.

My friend has been the OW twice now, she was not especially young either time. I almost cut her off, took a lot of soul searching on my part, never felt quite the same about her. I was propositioned myself when 21, the guy was my boss, I was a young nurse and horrified. The amount of affairs was shocking in that profession and while that was not the reason I left it was an aspect I was happy to leave behind, retraining and working at the same time in my late twenties.

At least you have some regret. I know of a woman, she is my friends friend who was widowed and from then onwards she has always been the OW. Apparently her soulmate died so she just wants fun. Of course she may be shagging someone else’s soulmate. I have never met her and really don’t want to.

So whilst your behaviour was bad I have known or known of other OW who have no guilt or regret and they don’t even have the foolishness of youth to absolve them. They feel no guilt. I think you should have some therapy.

Your guilt isn't serving any purpose other than making you unhappy, OP -- but it sounds as if you think you should be unhappy because of the circumstances of the start of your marriage and what you see as its foundation on someone else's suffering (a reaction which, as you will see, many Mners think is appropriate).

I think all you can do is engage with your own guilt in therapy. It's of no use to contact your husband's ex-wife, or his adult children. It will only offer them an opportunity to express their own hurt and anger, should they reply, and might even make them feel worse by reawakening old memories.

I reckon his first child cut contact when she heard he’d got OP pregnant. He didn’t bother to fight that as he decided to just wait for his replacement kid to be born.

I suspect his children will have most certainly not moved on. They’ll still be hurt and completely bewildered as to why they weren’t good enough for their father. They may even have spent time in counseling to try and come to terms with it all - and they may have failed to do so because it’s still all so raw. Even when 12 years have passed and they’re now aged between 35 and 45.

just what do you say when a son asks - mum why weren’t we good enough for him? I still don’t know the answer to that but I certainly know what it means for a whole family to walk around, getting on with life and being happy all the while feeling they have a little stone in their shoe that constantly digs into them but nothing they do gets rid of it.

I think the OP is feeling guilt because she’s not secure in her marriage. She’s feeling empathy for the exW and his DC, because she knows she could be next.

I think honestly you heed to let it go! Every single one of us has done stuff we regret or that wasn’t the best. You need to live your life! It’s hardly like it was all for nothing!

Unfortunately you have to live with the possibility that he will do exactly the same to you. Statistically 2nd marriages ,where the first ended in divorce ,are more likely to fail than if ended by bereavement. Also adulterers are generally repeat offenders, after all he once loved his first wife (he married her)so why would you be the exception?
I would look upon living with this uncertainty as penance enough. His ex will be now feeling grateful that she is out of the marriage and that it’s now you who will wonder if his excuses for being late home etc are genuine,after all you will have heard those same lies used on her.

Apparently an affair is worse than committing murder here. You're not the first and won't be the last. My fiancé left his (ex) wife for me, we got together within a few weeks and are getting married in a few weeks, this was a year and a half ago, he was with her 16 years with 2 kids and was deeply unhappy and was being abused in his relationship, he stayed for the kids. No one knows what it's like till you're in the situation, we fell in love but never actually did anything until we was both single and apart from our (ex) partners.

OP,

Have you considered getting help for your anxiety? You seem to be shouldering far more of this blame that your husband does.

He was the one who was married, who allowed his relationship with his child to cease, not you.

He was the one who said he was unhappy, who couldn't stay with his wife.

Who knows what he would have done had you not been around - found another partner, most likely.

16 years is a long time to bear someone else's guilt, OP.

The arrogance of you deciding that you can speak for a woman you don't know, or any other woman at all?

Your husband was a cheat. He could have been a cheat who was at least decent to his child and paid maintenance for her; he didn't.

The fact that you are so embittered is going to harm your child; think about that. Kids see everything, however much you think you are good at hiding it.

Lashing out at the OP and making her pseudo-responsible for your lot, isn't right.

If you are looking to right some wrongs, talk to him about his children. Ask him if he is really doing all he can to repair broken ties. Sometimes all it takes is a full throated, no ifs, buts, or maybes, apology to crack the door open a little

Some may apologies but then there are those like my (still husband) who when approached by me to try and work things out with the children says - never, I will never be their slave.

Sorry BlastedIce, that wasn't to you, I agree with your post, mine was to ThickSkinnedSoWhat.

Or they may live together happily for the rest of their lives hopefully

Nothing to say that his wife denied his relationship with his child, sounds more like he just wanted rid of the ex and if that meant his kid too then so be it.

If you think having an affair with a married man, who has kids isn't wrong then I think you have very questionable morals. The OW is part of something that caused massive hurt, upset and upheaval. If you do this and feel nothing then surely you have sociopathic tendencies. Callous beyond belief.

I don't think the OP is an awful person, because she recognises how reckless she was with another person's emotions. It's this empathy, understanding and guilt which show she doesn't lack humanity. She's grown.

So you only regret it now that you have children, house and family of your own?

Don't beat yourself up OP. It will do no good to you or your children. You sound like you've done some real soul searching. Get some therapy to work through forgiving yourself and maybe do some couples therapy to work through unresolved feelings there.

At least you don't sound like my step mum, who had multiple affairs with married men without a care in the world, had a child with the richest one, got religion and now because she's found god all is forgiven. She still laughs about what she got up to and thinks its hilarious that she was shagging a married guy whilst his wife was at home 🙄It's hard to listen to the hypocrisy some times and tbh I think she has a screw loose. It's okay to screw married guys but she won't have a gay person in her house because it's against God's law. Go figure.