To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

To the PP who said happy people don't cheat, that's nonsense. My ex cheated at the start, at the end and at various points through. I didn't know at the time. Some men are just opportunists.

OP - it's good you recognise the things you do but it's on your husband, not you.

Another thing I feel really bad for is my MIL has no contact with Hs DC either

She did for a couple of years after the split but eventually my Hs ex was so angry about what H did she wrote a letter to MIL and said she and DC were stopping seeing her (or any of Hs family on that side)

MIL is 70 odd years old and has a GC and great grandchildren she'll likely never see again in her life . And she has done nothing wrong

His ex does seem incredibly angry and I am surprised as adults his DC haven't reached out to MIL to engage. This may indicate a very strong narrative from the ex because, as you say, MIL has done nothing wrong.
There are multiple players here. You cannot control his ex or how she feels or how she's reacted. My ex is still angry with me despite a second marriage and more DC (so you'd think happy).
All you can control is you. And all you can do is seek the help and support you need to make peace with yourself. I cannot recommend counselling enough, being able to own your part but, and this is crucial, not owning it all because it's not all on you, is simply life changing.

I don't get the point in dwelling on this. It's happened and it wasn't ideal. But now 15 years in you just need to make the best of it. Otherwise you'll ruin your marriage by obsessing about the past. You need to find a way to move on.

That said, I guess wondering if he will do the same to you is life's little karma.

My ex is still angry with me despite a second marriage and more DC (so you'd think happy)

You can be angry at how you were treated, the lies you were told, the mockery that was made of everything you considered a positive in your life....and have moved on to another relationship in which you are happy. Affairs are life changing stuff, they cut deeply and leave huge scars. I personally think they're a life event you learn to live with rather than 'get over'. My ex husband's indifference to me in a given moment following his walking out is something that still upsets me if I think.about it. Doesn't mean I'm not over it, or that I want him back or that I am.unhappy. Quite the opposite. But it is a reminder that nothing in life is certain and that none of us have a clue what is around the corner.

This.

It clearly was a marriage that wasn’t working out. He clearly was unhappy in it to leave. Most men having affairs don’t.

Women in here are constantly told to leave unhappy marriages, as staying will damage the children. He followed that advice.

Stop beating yourself up. At the end of the day it was his marriage and his choice.

What’s WRONG with the men and women who leap from one relationship to another, causing huge mayhem and grief as they do so?

Can’t they end a relationship and then spend some time alone reflecting on what’s happened and how best to move forward with the minimal amount of harm to others (= their loved ones)?

The stress, the drama, the anxiety this must cause all affair people who leap from one person to another - what a shitty way to live your lives. “Tainted” is a good word to describe your new relationships.

Zero respect to all of them.

And that’s the wife’s choice. Not your responsibility.

And frankly I can see why he left a woman with that level of vindictive spite that she would hurt her own children to get back at him.

This is my point exactly! When people say a divorce means that children have lost a father, it’s very often the bitterness of the ex that means they lose their father.

Exactly!

Everyone makes mistakes at some point. We all change over time, look back and think wtf was I doing, if I knew what I know now. Hindsight and all that...

It's not your fault about the MIL, that's the result of someone who has chose to hurt someone not involved in the situation. Mine has done the same with our children but to the entire family both sides and me. Although, nobody's done anything not even me, she was abusive. It's cruel and wrong but perhaps gives you an insight to how she really could be as a person.

Appearances are deceiving, for all you know she wasn't nice anyway and that's why he did it.

@otherwomanregrets Could your H not have applied for court appointed contact with his first born? I am somewhat surprised that all the (angry, guilty, hardly being rational in the raw aftermath of separation) adults in the scenario left a life changing decision (never to see his/her father again) in the hands of an 11 year old child. An 11 year old who may well have been rejecting in the expectation/hope that his/her father would show their love by fighting to have contact. Unless your H was abusive and/or a shit and neglectful father that child was relieved to be rid of, I just find it hard to believe this child made that very adult choice on his/her own. If your H suspected manipulation on the mother’s part (which is emotional abuse), that’s all the more reason to ensure that he kept contact via a court order, to reassure the child of his enduring love and presence as a father, and to show him/her they had a loving step/half family and extended paternal family. Instead, he abandoned the child to an emotionally manipulative/abusive (if you are to be believed) and angry/hurting mother.

@Ridemeginger Yes he could have and probably should have done if that was the case. That's what I'm doing anyway been five months NC so far, can't leave them like that, no father or family at all.

Depends I guess on what the situation actually was I guess. Unless the damage was already done, dunno.

The truth is a lot of women who start off as the other woman are enormously insecure whether they admit it or not.
Getting rid of the wife in whatever way possible (being possessive / ultra attractive and available to the man who has just walked out on their wife and kids) is just the start of it. The reality is that the very bond between the man and his children is way too threatening to the other woman and they will make that known in their relationship with man in one way or another. And a lot of men are way too weak to resist or think about that.
I feel guilty about leaving my pre school children for the sake of another woman? Nah, lets just concentrate on having sex with this other woman and that feeling will go eventually. And it does. The other woman is then happy.

But the bitterness is often tied into the circumstances surrounding the divorce. An amicable or honest split will likely result in a better post-divorce relationship than one in which one party fucks off with an affair partner. It's all so avoidable. If your relationship is that bad, why wait until you have a replacement lined up before you leave. No matter how you look at it, it's pathetic, cowardly and selfish. What ex wouldn't be bitter about that?

I admire your honesty and ability to analyse the situation and the person you were. You've obviously grown and matured.

However, I think your attempt at an apology would be entirely selfish and an attempt to reconcile the awfulness of what you did with your own conscience in being forgiven. I think this might be a case for counselling.

From your place of 'enlightenment', I honestly don't think I could be in a relationship with a man who would, in the first instance, ditch his family for another woman and secondly, not really give a shit about it. This tells you everything you need to know about him.

I’ve never done this myself by a few years ago I worked with people and two who were married were both having an affair (not being secretive about it either) and then another woman and a man started an affair (more EA) lots of lunches out and drinks and then he left his wife and kids for her (single woman). Call me judgmental but to be a sympathetic ear for an unhappily married man I’d asking for trouble. Apparently they’re both happily married now but he’d been married and divorced before his last wife (with kids).

The main thing which really pissed me off was at Christmas a few of us in a team had to go to another city for a work social And stay in a hotel (paid for by company) as too far to travel home. First woman was sharing a room with me and invited the man back to our room to stay the night. I quickly said F off, I’m not having that (he was sharing with another man who didn’t want hanky panky either with that room(, they just wanted a free room for a shag.

It’s good you’ve posted this to get it off your chest OP but you can’t have been that young and naive and stupid as you had a toddler. I’d just own it as you had an affair, no excuses whatsoever. How to reconcile the deep regret? Therapy would help.,

OP - - it had to happen.
You are now slyly blaming the EX in this. Her fault the GDCS do not see their GM. So not liking the narraitve that maybe the DCs made their own decisions after seeing how thier DM wa affected - the drip feed of poison against the EX starts. You make out the DCS are money grabbing and only use DF for money - nasty nasty drip feed.

You do not regret your actions, you do not see your DH is not a great father and you are shit scared that as your DCs approach the age his were- he is off to find a new model. Stop posting - you are, were and will always be the OW. Time does not alter that - it is an irrefutable fact. Live with your actions and leave others to deal with the consequences of yours and your DHs selfish actions

It is pathetic and spiteful for a mother to poison her children against their grandparent who had nothing to do with the infidelity. Children of the age they were at the time can't make a lifelong decision in the same way adults can, she should have taken on the role of being a decent mother rather than a bitter ex when it came to the children. Pathetic.

Oh I see that the narrative has changed and many pp are now seeing that his ex has stopped contact with mil as evidence that she was abusive or vengeful.

How many mothers deny their children access to a loving and wonderful grandparent who is a positive relationship in their life?

It is possible there were reasons why contact with mil was stopped if you use your imagination. MN is littered with threads where women are advised to do just that for excellent reasons.

He has not seen his children, now adults, for 15 years. They were almost teens when this happened. Again some pp are suggesting this is due to ex being vindictive. But OP admits that she was not a nice person at that time - competitive, uncaring etc. I think it's far more likely that the children didn't enjoy visiting and didn't want to go any more, and dad wasn't willing to put the work in to win them over.

I'm not blaming the ex at all. I am simply stating the facts of what happened in the couple of years after. I've already said I completely don't blame her for being angry and I don't blame the DC in any way for not seeing my H. I think my DC would feel the same

I've also not stated that his DC are "money grabbing" as I don't think they are. simply that my H has paid for things as he should regardless of the situation

And I'll carry on posting if I want to thank you 😊

Actually OP, you don't deserve the abuse. I hate the way women expect other women to police men's behaviour. You were single. You hadn't made anyone any promises.
Sure, with hindsight and maturity you wouldn't do it. Of course. That's what hindsight is. We all do immature things without realising the true consequences when we're young and our perspective changes as we age.
I think you should go easy on yourself.
However; there is an ongoing issue even if you forgive yourself. The reason you wouldn't go near this situation as the person you are now is that you'd have no respect for or interest in a man cheating on his family.
What's really changed with maturity is how you see your DH. You need to ask yourself if you can get past the fact that, as an older woman, you've seen his true colours?

OP, I think coming on here and writing all that out was very brave.

I do think you made a "deal with the devil" and that you did "make your bed" though.

My DM had an affair. I don't think she feels any remorse. Apparently both her and step-dad were woefully unhappy in their original marriages. So that's ok then. All children (ie me, my siblings, my step-siblings) are messed up in some way. Difficult to say if that was the affair, the divorces, our parents, or just life.

But I have reflected on more than one occasion that DM and DSF started their relationship from an unhealthy place, and that there are certain consequences to that they have had to live with ever since.

Another friend got together with her (now ex)DH when his DC were babies. Quel surprise, that relationship didn't last and he has a shit relationship with his previous kids, and looking like it's going to be shit with his most recent children too.

Look, life doesn't work that we all start things from a place of purity and positivity. It would be great if no one hurt anyone else ever, it would be great if there weren't any toxic relationships. That's just not how it is though, and this far down the line I think you just need to accept that what is done is done. I would hazard a guess that your DH doesn't feel this shit though.

You need to let go of the guilt and move on. X

You were a different person then op, it is time to move on and forgive yourself. It is very clear that you are a good person now. Your DH was the one who cheated, not you. There is nothing you can do to make this right now, just try and move on and enjoy your life. I am sure the ex now sees it all worked out for the best.