Page 12 | To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

otherwomanregrets · 2023-08-20T10:55:32+00:00

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own) He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know ) We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me) My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now. If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die. So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Eleganz · 20/08/2023 17:37

The prize you won 16 years ago isn't looking that good anymore, eh OP?

Now that you've got something of your own to lose being with a cheater who has become permanently estranged from some of his children because he would rather shag you than respect his marriage vows is not exactly reassuring.

I'm glad you've realised how shitty affairs are, but you'll get no sympathy from me. Your bed, now lie in it.

DameCurlyBassey · 20/08/2023 17:39

BrawnWild · 20/08/2023 17:32

If you're honest with yourself, I think you judge your husband and cant see him the same way. As an adult, i would too.

As a mum, I think you feel betrayed by him on his kids behalf.

I wanted to say that if you were of a similar age, forgive and move on. But he still isn't interested in his first set of kids and I think you (rightly) judge him for that.

Ultimately, either you have grown as a person and will struggle to get past this or it's a symptom of something. Are you subconsciously angry at him and for something else as well and this is representative of it?

This!!!

I was about to write the same thing.

Scarfweather · 20/08/2023 17:44

We change as we grow and develop during life OP. Life can be messy as we can’t always know what was the ‘perfect’ decision at the time. We can try to do the right thing, but we only get one shot at this life.
Do you believe in fate? Do you believe you were meant to be together?
C’est la vie. Let the other stuff go.

Original poster

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 17:51

uneffingbelievable · 20/08/2023 16:59

OP - do you DCs know about their siblings?
Are you and their DF going to be honest about why they do not see or know them?

If your DCs do not know /never seen a picture then they are in for a very big shock

Yes they know they have a sibling and that H was married before

OP posts:

Yeval · 20/08/2023 17:52

The thing that gets me OP is that your DH had never apologised for what he did. I don't know the ins and outs, but I do know what it's like when your parents' marriage ends over an affair. It's horrendous. It has a profound impact on the children left behind. You carry the impact throughout your life. It shapes you as a person and all your future romantic relationships.

You sound full of remorse and I'm glad. I don't think you're a bad person. My dad and stepmother have always refused to even talk about what they did, let alone apologise for it. That has deeply affected my and my siblings' relationship with them. I'm able to compartmentalise but honestly I'll never forgive them their behaviour because they've never sought my forgiveness. I don't know how badly your DH behaved towards his first wife and their DC - my dad and stepmum behaved despicably.

I hope your DH is able to find it within himself to apologise to his DC one day. Maybe he doesn't want to admit just how much it hurt his DC, because that's too painful for him. If so, he needs to man the fuck up.

I wish you well. It's good that you see the past clearly now.

daliesque · 20/08/2023 18:15

It is wrong to have an overlap. If you are so compatible and in love surely could have waited until he extricated himself from his partner before he took it so far with you. But perhaps he was hedging his bets - try before you by. Seeing if it is was better with you before moving on. If it hadn't been would he have stayed with her till he found someone else? If so, In my books that makes him a dirty coward. It's so very abusive to his ex wife to end it the way he chose to

Oh dear, how very wrong you were. It was actually me that caused the delay by saying that I wanted us to carry,on as we were - in our affair - and if we were still in love and wanted ti be togetger after a year, then I'd go for it. He would have left as soon as he met me.

Original poster

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 18:17

Also some people asked how he has his DC bank details and if that's definitely where the money is going

The answer to that is although he hasn't seen them has had some contact over the years with his dc via email.

15 years ago when his dc said they no longer wanted to see him he was told by his ex to respect their wishes. The reason his DC gave for not wanting to see him is they would not see him while he was with me. So he did not want to cause further upset by pushing it, so every so often he'd send an email checking in and he's often asked to see them but the answer has always been no.

There's been times when his dc have been a bit more forthcoming with talking to him for example they told how they did in A levels and getting a job etc then when they were expecting both their babies and other things. They've also asked for money for certain things like a car and for help when they were moving house etc . Which he doesn't mind at all

But while he's spoke to them via email he's not seen them irl for 15 years . And I don't know when he last spoke to them because I've stopped asking

OP posts:

CardiganBardigan · 20/08/2023 18:46

Oh dear, how very wrong you were. It was actually me that caused the delay by saying that I wanted us to carry,on as we were - in our affair - and if we were still in love and wanted ti be togetger after a year, then I'd go for it. He would have left as soon as he met me

Oh well done you. You're you're so cute playing hard to get but you're obviously such a better catch overall he couldn't wait to lock it down.

Sideorderofchips · 20/08/2023 19:13

If you were my ex husbands affair person then a letter from you would probably send me down a spiral, however it's only 5 years for me.

At the end of the day your relationship will always be tainted by how you got together. My kids hate their dads girlfriend because of what they did and their relationship with their dad is improving. In my case it was my best friend he left me for and there was a whole heap of gas lighting going on by her to me and the kids

Basically you need to either accept whst you did and the fact you live with it now and move on, or you get therapy. Do not involve his ex and child in your egotistical desire to feel better.

Sideorderofchips · 20/08/2023 19:16

daliesque · 20/08/2023 12:10

My relationship started in a similar way. We don't have kids together, it he does from his previous relationship. I don't have anything much to do with them as im not interested in them and they aren't in me. Their relationship with their dad is ok, but it's his responsibility to,keep it going and nothing to do with me.

We had an affair for about a year before he left her for me. I never asked him to, I left it to him to decide and he decided he wanted to be with me. Im sure there was a bit of drama at the time, but he a,ways saw our relationship as separate to that one and so didn't involve me in what was happening during the split.

We've been together about 3 years now. I do believe that he was unhappy with her and had only stayed so long because of the kids. The ins and outs of their past is irrelevant to me and our present and future.

We too are very well matched and have a strong relationship and love for each other. He is my soulmate and I am his. We will eventually get married, but neither of us are bothered. Neither of us are tempted by other people.

OP whatever people like to think, people who are happy in their relationship don't have affairs. We all know that it is better to split with someone before finding another person, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way and when that happens why turn down a chance of happiness just because society says it's wrong to have an overlap.

You have a good, happy marriage. Try and concentrate on what you have got rather than how you got together. That is now inconsequential.

You could almost be my ex husbands girlfriend. You sound like her. Full of your own self importance

imagiantwitch · 20/08/2023 19:43

Wow op, so basically his child gave him a choice between seeing them and being with you, and he chose you. He's scum and how you can stomach him I don't know, I'd have no respect for him.

I don't think you'll ever feel better until you realise he's the lowest of the low and get rid of him.

Sparrowandball · 20/08/2023 19:44

imagiantwitch · 20/08/2023 19:43

Wow op, so basically his child gave him a choice between seeing them and being with you, and he chose you. He's scum and how you can stomach him I don't know, I'd have no respect for him.

I don't think you'll ever feel better until you realise he's the lowest of the low and get rid of him.

It's not a child's place to make demands like that.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 19:59

Sparrowandball · 20/08/2023 19:44

It's not a child's place to make demands like that.

Show quote history

So is it a child's place to just suck it up when they are told they are not as important as someone he's known for a matter of weeks?

Original poster

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 20:01

@Sparrowandball

I'd been with him over a year by then

OP posts:

Original poster

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 20:02

Sorry tagged the wrong person I meant the one who said was a matter of weeks

OP posts:

JamSandle · 20/08/2023 20:03

Be kind to yourself. You're married with kids. Let the past go:)

drpet49 · 20/08/2023 20:18

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 12:09

In all seriousness, what did you think was going to happen? I mean you got your happily ever after but it was always going to be tainted. You must have known that. The fact the older children have nothing to do with your DH is on him. He cheated on their mother. He made a choice to tear his family apart. You were part of that but it was his choice to make.

Imstruggle to feel any empathy whatsoever. This is the bed you made.

This. You made shit choices which affected other innocent people. Now you have to live with it. I’d call that karma.

Youdontsay87 · 20/08/2023 20:22

I don't mean to be horrible but I genuinely believe in karma, so if you're feeling guilty for what you did you don't have to worry because somewhere down the line you'll both suffer in some way or another and perhaps that might make you feel a bit better.

Youdontsay87 · 20/08/2023 20:25

And the fact you married a guy and are STILL married to a guy who hasn't bothered with his first lot of kids and has emotionally and physically neglected and abandoned them. Says a lot about you NOW as a person not just how you were back then. How you can still be in love and fancy a bloke who can treat a human like that never mind his own flesh and blood is beyond me.

Magicoven · 20/08/2023 20:27

It's good you are able to reflect and to recognise the affect of your behaviour, but there's no point torturing yourself OP. If you're happy then it's not going to achieve anything; just use how you feel to try and learn from to be a better person going forward. He couldn't have been that happy with his ex if he was willing to throw it all away, men who are in love don't walk away no matter if its into the arms of another woman. Hopefully she's moved on and found happiness, its crap that his children didn't want to continue having a relationship with him but sounds like it was ultimately their choice.

Gadgetfreak · 20/08/2023 20:34

OP I could have written your post. I have the same feelings. I love him, we have a good relationship, if such a thing exists he is my soulmate. But I am now mortified at the circumstances we got together and the hurt we caused. We met abroad, wife and kids at home. He left his wife 8 weeks after meeting me. He also has a poor relationship with his 2 children from 1st marriage. He sees them but it is not regularly. We’ve been together 20 years and have 2 children. I have 2 beautiful children so would never wish them away but I would never go with a married man now. At the time I thought we were in love, that we couldn’t stop it, that his wife and children would get over it, plenty of people get divorced. I never thought about the lies he was telling and what that makes him (or me for going along with it). I never really thought massively about it all until I had my own children and since then over the years my feelings of disgust at myself and him have grown. Almost to the point I don’t feel for him like I used to. I don’t expect sympathy for that, I made my bed…. But I look back at those early years and it’s all tainted. Not just with the lies at the beginning but the stress of maintaining a relationship with a very angry and bitter ex and the fall out with the children. My husband has had 2 massive mental health episodes in our 20 years which I believe stem from all that went on. Again, not looking for sympathy but showing that life isn’t a bed of roses. We all live with consequences of our actions. I would definitely choose a different path if I had my time again.

BlastedIce · 20/08/2023 21:12

Youdontsay87 · 20/08/2023 20:25

And the fact you married a guy and are STILL married to a guy who hasn't bothered with his first lot of kids and has emotionally and physically neglected and abandoned them. Says a lot about you NOW as a person not just how you were back then. How you can still be in love and fancy a bloke who can treat a human like that never mind his own flesh and blood is beyond me.

Have you read the OPs threads? He hasn’t emotionally and physically neglected his first child, and there is no them either!

Original poster

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 21:16

Gadgetfreak · 20/08/2023 20:34

OP I could have written your post. I have the same feelings. I love him, we have a good relationship, if such a thing exists he is my soulmate. But I am now mortified at the circumstances we got together and the hurt we caused. We met abroad, wife and kids at home. He left his wife 8 weeks after meeting me. He also has a poor relationship with his 2 children from 1st marriage. He sees them but it is not regularly. We’ve been together 20 years and have 2 children. I have 2 beautiful children so would never wish them away but I would never go with a married man now. At the time I thought we were in love, that we couldn’t stop it, that his wife and children would get over it, plenty of people get divorced. I never thought about the lies he was telling and what that makes him (or me for going along with it). I never really thought massively about it all until I had my own children and since then over the years my feelings of disgust at myself and him have grown. Almost to the point I don’t feel for him like I used to. I don’t expect sympathy for that, I made my bed…. But I look back at those early years and it’s all tainted. Not just with the lies at the beginning but the stress of maintaining a relationship with a very angry and bitter ex and the fall out with the children. My husband has had 2 massive mental health episodes in our 20 years which I believe stem from all that went on. Again, not looking for sympathy but showing that life isn’t a bed of roses. We all live with consequences of our actions. I would definitely choose a different path if I had my time again.

Yes very similar here... the guilt has got worse as times gone on not less . As I have grown older and wiser

Sending a hug . If you ever want to chat more feel free to PM me. X

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electriclight · 20/08/2023 21:18

I was the wife in this situation. I think it is ok for you to forgive yourself op. You were young and immature, and he embarked on an exit affair. He left very quickly so I would believe that he was not happy in his marriage. You have been together for a long time, so your feelings and relationship were genuine.

I think that the problem really is that you have belatedly got the ick about a man who can walk away from his family, and you also fear him doing the same to you. I don't think any amount of counselling can help with that unfortunately as he does sound truly awful. It is hard to believe that he has not seen his children for 15 years and you are right - this will have had a huge impact on them in all sorts of ways.

PollyThePixie · 21/08/2023 04:55

Gadgetfreak · 20/08/2023 20:34

OP I could have written your post. I have the same feelings. I love him, we have a good relationship, if such a thing exists he is my soulmate. But I am now mortified at the circumstances we got together and the hurt we caused. We met abroad, wife and kids at home. He left his wife 8 weeks after meeting me. He also has a poor relationship with his 2 children from 1st marriage. He sees them but it is not regularly. We’ve been together 20 years and have 2 children. I have 2 beautiful children so would never wish them away but I would never go with a married man now. At the time I thought we were in love, that we couldn’t stop it, that his wife and children would get over it, plenty of people get divorced. I never thought about the lies he was telling and what that makes him (or me for going along with it). I never really thought massively about it all until I had my own children and since then over the years my feelings of disgust at myself and him have grown. Almost to the point I don’t feel for him like I used to. I don’t expect sympathy for that, I made my bed…. But I look back at those early years and it’s all tainted. Not just with the lies at the beginning but the stress of maintaining a relationship with a very angry and bitter ex and the fall out with the children. My husband has had 2 massive mental health episodes in our 20 years which I believe stem from all that went on. Again, not looking for sympathy but showing that life isn’t a bed of roses. We all live with consequences of our actions. I would definitely choose a different path if I had my time again.

My (still husband) despite us being almost strangers to each other now has become a functioning alcoholic over the last 15 years. And at the age of 72 it must be a lot for his 43 year old partner and very young children to live with no matter how many holidays they go on every year to compensate.

He wasn’t a functioning alcoholic when I unravelled all of what was going on and eventually got him to leave but I’m pretty sure I know why he is now.