To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

You can tell yourself that all day long because it'll make you feel more assured in your relationship but happy people do have affairs, sometimes it's all about having their ego stroked.

I regard marital infidelity as one of the worst things a person (bar a psychopath) can do.

The cost to society both fiscally and socially as a whole is huge and it is ever growing.

However you were young, naive at the time and with youth and naivety comes an inclination to be selfish. Now having matured and put your soul into building up your family you realise that a family is a precious and sacred thing.

I think the fact you recognise this and feel bad about it and have developed your conscience means you should now put this aside, realise you did bad, but have a right to grace and move on. Ask God if you're a believer in order to get past it, if necessary.

Your DH though is a different matter. It's not jus much that he cheated and broke his vows, but his remaining flippancy about it. Even if he were terribly unhappy, I would think after time, maturity and some reflection, his stance at the very least ought to be one of wishing he had behaved differently or better. Instead, he's shown he can prioritise himself even above the wellbeing of his child. That's an example of self-interest and shallowness of character that would have me putting my glasses on and questioning how I fell for him.

I suspect he got a very 'good deal' in you, and you certainly appear to be the better out of the two of you, so no wonder you might have pause as to perhaps thinking you got trapped at a young age in a situation that otherwise you'd not have been in, were it not for him being so morally lacking (and perhaps emotionally coercive?)

But such is life. If you're happy together no point ruining what you have for a past you can't fix. Move on.

I was massively competitive with other women and also very jealous of ones I perceived to be better looking or have more money or whatever

I am not like that at all now

There is zero value in your guilt and martyring about "not deserving to feel better".
Get help with your feelings and enjoy your life.

I would be more concerned, that your DH doesn't make more effort keeping in touch/reconnecting with his child.

The cheaters script gets peddled a lot on here OP, but it’s not always accurate.

My dad left for an OW, although he should have left years ago. My mother was a pretty awful person tbh and treated him horrendously. Nasty, spiteful, jealous, and abusive. His only error was not leaving sooner.

I was also the OW. I know that my now DH only stayed with her to “do the right thing” and look after his kids, but she is also a pretty awful person. She lied about being on the pill and got pregnant after only a few weeks together, had an affair, wouldn’t look after their kids as they were too much effort, quit her job as soon as they got married and made it clear she was only with him for his money. When he left she didn’t bother seeing the DC much for the first year as she “wanted her independence back” and they went NC with her by choice in their early and mid teens after seeing how neglectful and selfish she was.

Of course sometimes the script is accurate, but you only see it on here in response to posters who have been cheated on, and nobody is going to kick them when they’re down. Sometimes marriages really are horrendous though and the man isn’t lying. It would always be better not to leave as a result of an affair, and to leave for the ACTUAL problems in the relationship, but the point is you probably weren’t breaking up a happy marriage!

You have a good life, kids, husband. Just be happy

Except that in describing their lives OP put happy in inverted commas

Hard not to wonder the reason for that ...

Maybe looking at her own behaviour in the past is also making her look at her husband's and she is now realising what a horrible prize she has "won". It would be hard to see him the same way.

OP, you’re getting a pasting on here because this is MN — but part of me wonders if that’s why you posted… you said you’ve been on MN often enough to know the cheaters’ script (although FWIW, I don’t think that normally involves leaving your wife for the OW after 8 weeks, so although your DH did indeed cheat on his then wife, he didn’t follow ‘the script’ and it sounds to me as though he was truly unhappy and you were the catalyst, not the cause), but if that’s the case, you’d also have known you’d get slated. Is that what you were hoping for, at some level? Confirmation that yes, you are a terrible person? Many people on here will definitely agree, but I don’t. You did something stupid and wrong, yes — but lots of us do things we later wish we hadn’t. I think your idea of going to counselling is a good one, though; as another poster said, I think some of the guilt you’re holding should actually belong to your DH. I also think what’s done is done and while we can’t always let go of guilt (or indeed other emotions), it’s worth exploring why you’re clinging so firmly to yours. Good luck, OP.

Putting aside the affair issue, I couldn’t be with someone who said that they would rather not see their own child ever again than stay in an unhappy marriage. I cannot imagine ever choosing my happiness over seeing my child ever again. I couldn’t like or respect, let alone love, someone who thought like this.

All these women justifying their actions by saying that married men only cheat if they are unhappy.

What about all the men who cheat, then are found out, then instantly dump OW, and are on their knees begging to be forgiven, as seen regularly on this board? I’ve a friend whose DH left her and her DC for someone 15 years younger, now he wants to come back, wife said get to fuck, so yes back with the OW. He gave the lame excuse of leaving wife as never been happy etc.

OP’s example is a classic case of married man with children, meets younger woman with no kids, has hot sex, decides that he was never happy in the first place, and leaves wife for hot, buff 20 something. I doubt he’d do the same if OP had been a mid 30’s single mum.

Maybe you can do something to make up for the situation by telling his ex wife that you're sorry, and can your children meet their half siblings.

OP, the damage is done, it was 16 years ago. That makes the child at least 26. She’s an adult. If she wants to contact you both she will. Leave her alone to be happy. If she wants a relationship she will come looking. By the way is she married? If so, was your DH not invited? Honestly, just leave his exW and DC in peace.

OP I know this is not the main point, but as they have no contact how is your husband paying money to his adult child? How can he know bank info? It doesn’t ring true.

Is it maybe making you look at your DH in a different way? Affair is one thing, it sounds like it was a very unhappy marriage anyway. But not seeing his child for 16 years is....cold and heartless on a different level. What kind of father chooses to not fight for his kid and be involved with their life? That's awful. I'm not sure how you get past that tbh.

How you got in to your relationship with your DH is really, really common I suspect. I would say that a very large number of women on here have had complicated beginnings to their relationships which have involved other parties. And not all cheaters are complete bastards who will do it again.

So really you need to stop berating yourself. Otherwise it will consume you. You weren't (aren't) perfect - just a normal fallible human who sometimes makes decisions they later question and regret. Join the (very big) club.

If your marriage is otherwise good then don't let these thoughts overwhelm it. Maybe talk to your husband about your feelings?

I haven’t read all the thread but here is my take.
Your dh deserves the treatment he receives from his children, I hope they have managed to overcome the shitty hand he dealt them and done well for themselves. As for seeing your dcs, that again is 100% their choice and I doubt their would give a damn about your family set up.
As for you there isn’t anything you can do. You say you are happy and don’t regret having your dcs so there you go. Carry on as you are. From your posts I doubt your dh is about to leave you.

Also do not take on any of the guilt your dh expresses about his dcs not seeing his new set of dcs.
Don't wallow in that. That is all on him.

I don’t consider anyone else’s relationship to be any of my business, so judgement on my part.

It’s one thing to realise that, in retrospect, you regret your behaviour, but wallowing in guilt and regret is entirely self indulgent. You can’t change the past, so what exactly are you going to achieve by dwelling on it? In what way is this making your life, and the life of your family, good and happy? There’s clearly been enough unhappiness caused, don’t compound it.

This

It must be awful having it constantly hang over a relationship that your husband is a cheat and a deadbeat father. That your relationship is born out of lies and deceit and that any children you have are equally at risk of being abandoned and potentially scarred for life.

I don't know how OW who have subsequently become the wife sleep at night for the worry.

For the life of me I don't know how anyone could find that kind of shitty person attractive either -the husband or the OW. Looks fade and you'll be stuck with their character.....doesn't bear thinking about really.

OP - do you DCs know about their siblings?
Are you and their DF going to be honest about why they do not see or know them?

If your DCs do not know /never seen a picture then they are in for a very big shock

There may be a bit of that. I try to take these posts as face value though, we could all put any kind of spin on anything otherwise. Difficult to know, since I've never met the OP and it's all just text. No point in psychoanalysising the crap out of it.

That's exactly what I thought.

I couldn't be attracted to a man that a) left his children for me b) prefers not seeing his children again rather than being in an unhappy relationship

I'm afraid your husband isn't much of a prize, OP, and I'm sure you subconsciously know this.

Re-read the OP, @LaurelandHedgy. Your third paragraph is BS.

It is wrong to have an overlap. If you are so compatible and in love surely could have waited until he extricated himself from his partner before he took it so far with you. But perhaps he was hedging his bets - try before you by. Seeing if it is was better with you before moving on. If it hadn't been would he have stayed with her till he found someone else? If so, In my books that makes him a dirty coward. It's so very abusive to his ex wife to end it the way he chose to.

It's good that you're emotionally mature enough now to want to do some reflection and hold yourself accountable.

But make sure you're not holding yourself accountable for his behaviour - only your own.

You're having to face up to how you behaved and feel contrition for it. There is an opportunity for growth here. However I wonder whether some of the uncomfortable feelings you're experiencing are because your DH seems unwilling to do the same. You are no ok her on the same page in terms of the narrative of your relationship and that feels precarious.

I have to say I'm shocked that he admits he would rather never see his child again than be with his ex wife. That doesn't say great things about him tbh and I wonder if you're starting to realise that actually, it's him that's not a very nice person.

If you're honest with yourself, I think you judge your husband and cant see him the same way. As an adult, i would too.

As a mum, I think you feel betrayed by him on his kids behalf.

I wanted to say that if you were of a similar age, forgive and move on. But he still isn't interested in his first set of kids and I think you (rightly) judge him for that.

Ultimately, either you have grown as a person and will struggle to get past this or it's a symptom of something. Are you subconsciously angry at him and for something else as well and this is representative of it?

So many men dont have the bollocks or emotional intelligence to decide they have had enough and end a relationship, they'd rather an affair to do it for them.