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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

139 replies

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:03

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:05

Just to add, in the holidays toddler would not be at nursery as it’s a term time only nursery, so in the holidays she would be home like she is now, along with our older kids.

OP posts:
panko · 20/08/2023 08:08

I think its fair enough to discuss it from a "benefits to your child" angle.

sashagabadon · 20/08/2023 08:08

Of course he pays half

Parker231 · 20/08/2023 08:09

If you are a couple as opposed to two people living together, all income and expenditure is joint so nursery fees would come from the joint pot.

Windowcleaning · 20/08/2023 08:09

I got a bit lost in the detail, but of course your dp should contribute to childcare costs. As your dd will be at nursery while he's working and he's the higher earner, he should probably pay them all.

Couples really do need some sort of joint account once children are in the picture, if not before.

Ballcactus · 20/08/2023 08:10

He pays it

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2023 08:12

Won't she be entitled to some free hours soon?

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:13

Parker231 · 20/08/2023 08:09

If you are a couple as opposed to two people living together, all income and expenditure is joint so nursery fees would come from the joint pot.

That’s what I think. And assumed. But my friend said I wasn’t being fair because I’m not actually working those hours, so then doubted myself! And I don’t want to be unfair to dp as he works hard for our family, as do I but I guess he pays for more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:14

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2023 08:12

Won't she be entitled to some free hours soon?

No, it’s not till the term after 3rd birthday which will be next April. So a while off. Not sure how the free hours work, does everyone get them? Regardless of earnings?

OP posts:
Rainbowsandrainclouds1 · 20/08/2023 08:16

Of course he pays at least half. I dont understand how people get to the point of having a child and yet there be so much angst over something that shouldnt need to even be a conversation.

If you don't have a joint account the conversation should be a "oh, babe, the nursery have confirmed the fees will be £1000 paid on the 2nd. If you send your half/ two thirds over by the 1st Ill arrange for them to come out of my account". Doesnt need to be a sit down formal chat either could be a comment in passing when cooking dinner.

This is why so many women with high earning spouses end up in poverty unable to buy basics whilst their husbands build a nice little nest egg.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:17

Rainbowsandrainclouds1 · 20/08/2023 08:16

Of course he pays at least half. I dont understand how people get to the point of having a child and yet there be so much angst over something that shouldnt need to even be a conversation.

If you don't have a joint account the conversation should be a "oh, babe, the nursery have confirmed the fees will be £1000 paid on the 2nd. If you send your half/ two thirds over by the 1st Ill arrange for them to come out of my account". Doesnt need to be a sit down formal chat either could be a comment in passing when cooking dinner.

This is why so many women with high earning spouses end up in poverty unable to buy basics whilst their husbands build a nice little nest egg.

Yeah you’re right. It was literally only the comment of my friend that made me question if I was being greedy. But I’ll do that, just say it in passing.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 20/08/2023 08:17

can you change you days so that you don’t work a weekend so aren’t asking your Dc to mind your younger one, whilst you get 2 days in the week when she’s at nursery and you’re at home? You could also get some jobs done on the weekend, and maybe your eldest could mind her for a short time whilst you go to the supermarket or something?

I think that would be fairer on your older Dc who must have college work, or socialising or might want to get a job themselves.

AnnieKayTee · 20/08/2023 08:19

Everyone gets 15 hours regardless. You may be entitled to 30 but you would have to check eligibility.

Rainbowsandrainclouds1 · 20/08/2023 08:20

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:17

Yeah you’re right. It was literally only the comment of my friend that made me question if I was being greedy. But I’ll do that, just say it in passing.

Show quote history

Great!

Your friend is most definitely in the wrong.

FiftyPenceWorth · 20/08/2023 08:21

Why on earth does your friend think you shouldn't discuss this with your partner? If he's as reasonable as you make him sound, you'll come to a reasonable agreement.

Which - in my opinion - should include setting up a shared account for family costs so you don't need to go cap in hand asking for anything to do with your shared children.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:21

User63847484848 · 20/08/2023 08:17

can you change you days so that you don’t work a weekend so aren’t asking your Dc to mind your younger one, whilst you get 2 days in the week when she’s at nursery and you’re at home? You could also get some jobs done on the weekend, and maybe your eldest could mind her for a short time whilst you go to the supermarket or something?

I think that would be fairer on your older Dc who must have college work, or socialising or might want to get a job themselves.

Unfortunately my job requires I work one day at the weekend. I can’t just do weekday evenings, also I get paid more for that shift at the weekend as it’s a longer shift and a higher rate. My eldest doesn’t mind doing this, it’s not every weekend as dp has every other weekend off, so it’s 2 weekend days a month my eldest looks after her. She doesn’t mind as she is wanting to actually work in a nursery after college so wants the experience.

OP posts:
Todaywego · 20/08/2023 08:22

When a couple are committed to each other, when they have a child together of course they share costs. At least equally, although I'll be honest, I can't really understand why you'd be going halves on bills etc when one person earns 4x what the other does.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 20/08/2023 08:25

Of course he pays half. She’s his child. He pays half the cost of her being looked after.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:25

FiftyPenceWorth · 20/08/2023 08:21

Why on earth does your friend think you shouldn't discuss this with your partner? If he's as reasonable as you make him sound, you'll come to a reasonable agreement.

Which - in my opinion - should include setting up a shared account for family costs so you don't need to go cap in hand asking for anything to do with your shared children.

She said because I’m at home anyway I should really just look after toddler myself. But yeah I do think he will be fine about it, sometimes he is almost too reasonable that I think I’m taking the piss! I’m glad I posted now, I’m going to mention it later today. As a poster pointed out, this would only be till April then she gets free hours when she’s 3.

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/08/2023 08:27

Your friend is a fool.

Mumsanetta · 20/08/2023 08:28

Your friend is jealous.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/08/2023 08:28

Todaywego · 20/08/2023 08:22

When a couple are committed to each other, when they have a child together of course they share costs. At least equally, although I'll be honest, I can't really understand why you'd be going halves on bills etc when one person earns 4x what the other does.

Did you miss the bit where he covers all the rent? I imagine he and the OP have arranged finances so everything is covered and it feels fair.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:29

Todaywego · 20/08/2023 08:22

When a couple are committed to each other, when they have a child together of course they share costs. At least equally, although I'll be honest, I can't really understand why you'd be going halves on bills etc when one person earns 4x what the other does.

He pays all the rent and council tax and food. I pay half of the other bills. Just how we have always done it. Like I said he isn’t stingy and pays for anything the kids or I need. I don’t have to ask really, he will happily pay for the kids clothes and trips and holidays and pocket money for them and he pays for the car that only I use, he has a work car so doesn’t have to pay for that, he pays for anything unexpected. Also, we only share the toddler, I also have children from previous relationship that are with us half the time and he pays for anything they need also. I don’t need childcare for them though as Old enough to look after themselves these days and go to their dads half the week

OP posts:
StillMissV · 20/08/2023 08:32

I don't understand your friend. Once you share a home etc and share kids then surely everything becomes sort of joint? I earn less than my husband, partly because my career has been slowed down by two lots of mat leave as well as being so tired that just keeping my head above water was enough, I have not had the energy. I did those things for our kids, for us as a family. Id think it was pretty shitty if he was saving a great chunk of his earnings every month and I was scraping by. Everything we do is for the family as a whole; that means jd we want to make a bigger purchase for ourselves as individuals we run it past each other and it's not "your money" or "my money", it's just "the money".

Nursery will benefit your child socially, id split it proportionally to your incomes if you have separate finances

applesandmares · 20/08/2023 08:35

Hmm I totally agree that childcare costs should be split in whichever way is fair although this isn't a necessary childcare cost as you're home, this is a "I want two days off child free" situation, while he is working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. I don't think I'd be happy if my partner asked me for that while I was working flat out, but if he's happy with it then there's no harm done!