To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

[Hellosausag]

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

But I could argue that when partner gets home and gets toddler to bed he basically is child free from 7pm where as I’m working till 11pm and have the toddler all day. Also when he gets home i have done most around the house he only needs to pick up a bit really and have a quick hoover around before sitting down for the evening, which he does deserve to do of course.

If the child is half his then he pays half of what the child costs whether it's nursery fees, school trips, school uniform or shoes. So unless there's a backstory of you having a one night stand or something then your friend is very wrong.

At 2.5 years old?

of course he pays half. But bigger problem - if you’re not married and have shared kids and he earns a lot more than you, you are in a seriously financially risky situation. If you split you could be in a bad financial situation as you have no legal entitlement whilst not married. I’d insist on all income in a joint account with equal access. He should pay much more than half the fees if he earns 4x more.

Think she means when toddler is 3. But it’s the term after that so will be April in my case.

Yes he pays half.

I have a day off in the week while my son is at nursery. My DH is at work but I don’t just sit on my arse all day, I use it to run errands and help the household. It’s never been questioned that we pay half each. Plus my DS would be bored shitless if he spent a day with me like that. He loves nursery.

Wow. He's astonishingly generous then. He pays all the rent, council tax, food, your car, and everything for not just his kids, but your kids by someone else too?

It seems that all that's left for you to pay is half the utilities bills.

So I've completely changed my mind. If you're putting the children into nursery to give yourself time at home without them (so no benefit to, or obligation for your partner) then I'd consider stepping up for once and paying for your free time.

Maybe your friend sees you as taking him for granted. MN would be all over this if the sexes were reversed, and the word cocklodger would be all over the place.

However…

OP is essentially looking after children or working from first thing in the morning until 11 at night for 4 days a week. No down time. That’s pretty exhausting.
If they can afford nursery fees, why not use it to get on top of everything else?

YANBU. It's a good idea. It'll help you out, and that's important. It will also be a nice change for your little one to go to nursery and have new experiences there. My two DC loved their nursery (I had to send them to nursery as I was working those hours) - they had lots of fun things to do and learn about, lovely staff, chance to play with lots of children their own age etc. They really thrived, and they still look back to their time at that nursery with fond memories. You guys sound like you have a lovely set up.

FWIW, I work FT (compressed into a four day week) but have a day off in the week. I could put my youngest in wraparound care and go to work, but that day off in the week is my time to get things organised in the house, catch up with admin, etc. It does help a lot (and my DC are 16 and 9!).

@Hellosausag I get that, but if it was me and my partner came to me with this I'd say you up your hours and I'll drop mine so we both have one day off child free in the week. However, I do pretty much everything round the house anyway, whereas I assume your partner would rather work than have a day off where he was expected to run errands/cook/clean 😂

I think you are being very unreasonable. He works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, and yet you think he should pay for you to have have more down time?! I agree that childcare should be a joint expense when it is needed (because both parents are at work) but not because one has decided they want more time to themselves. If anyone should be getting a break, I think it should be your partner - maybe he can use the money saved to cut down his hours slightly

All family bills should be split according to your earnings. The set up you gave now might not even be fair since he's earning so much more than you. Remember you are earning less than him because you work less than him because you are caring for your child and home. So if course he should be paying more, he's. He's doing you a favour by paying for the mortgage.

his job requires him to work the hours that he does, and also pays better than mine so wouldn’t be financially viable for me to work more and him less, but yes, if you asked him, he would say I have the harder job being at home with a toddler and doing everything around the house lol, he always says “how the hell do you do this every day I’m going to work for a break” 🤣

If I'm reading this right. Most of your "time off" is currently spent in sole charge of your children and running the house (IE. A full time job).
His time off is in the evening whilst you are at work meaning he truly gets time to himself as presumably the kids are in bed.

It sounds like you both work really hard but you are completely justified in pushing to get some child-free time off for yourself and yes, he should pay half as it will ultimately benefit the whole family.

And actually as other posters have said he should be paying more than half (proportional to income. )

I think household bills which include childcare should come from the central pot, but that attitude is not on either. He already covers rent, council tax and all food and this is a non essential childcare cost so that OP can have a bit of child free time. It should at the very least be a discussion.

Yes, so I either have the toddler or I’m at work. The only down time I get is 2 evenings a week when toddler is in bed. Dp would be happy for me to do my own thing at weekend while he was home with toddler but I would rather spend it with him to be honest doing family stuff. We don’t see each other much, he always says we are like ships in the night just passing lol.

It’s not really so I can have child free time. It’s so I can get more done at home and do errands without the toddler. So yes would be easier for me, but also beneficial to our daughter I feel

He also does get one evening a week where I’m not working, he goes to the pub after work and sees mates.

So technically you want dp to pay half for some down time.😳
He already pays the majority of bills too.😬

It's fine for posters to suggest pooling money but this doesn't mean every single request is going to be met with enthusiastic consent.

I feel this is one of those occasions.

Your friend is a fucking idiot.

How is looking after the house down time?

So I agree that if both parents are working and running a house together it’s normal for both to pay for childcare. But I think this does sound a bit of an odd situation. It sounds like you’d still be tag teaming during the week, so you and your partner barely see each other, and probably you’d be out one day a weekend (with your partner out another) and having your daughter mind the baby. I think with so little family time and having to rely on family members for childcare it perhaps wouldn’t be my priority to pay to have 2 days at home on my own in the week, I’d probably try to reduce my weekend or evening work. But if works for you and your DH then that’s all that matters really.

Any days off at weekends are spent together. We do appreciate our days when we are together. None of us can give up working weekends as our jobs require us to work them. I would have to change jobs if I wanted weekends off and I love my job. Dp loves his.

How much is it going to cost? With rising costs of everything at the moment, I’d be tempted to get online food deliveries if this is what’s proving difficult with a toddler and then put them in nursery at 3 when the funded hours kick in.