To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

[Hellosausag]

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

I came on to write something like this, but @NeedTheSeaside has put it so well, I'm not going to try to rephrase it! Also, to the best of my understanding, a cocklodger would be someone who contributed nothing to the household at all, didn't have a paying job and stayed at home without doing any childcare, cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, life admin or anything else that keeps a home running smoothly for the other partner who is then able to pursue their own career goals without having to worry about anything else.

if I were you, I'd just say to him, I think Sarah/katie/Meg would really benefit from a couple of days in nursery & I would like some time to get stuff done without her 'help'. What do you think? It would cost £x until April when she'll get some free hours.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable conversation opener. If he were to reply with ‘that’d work out as £2500+ all in, which is a lot of money, do you reckon we could get food delivered and have another look at what you think we’re getting behind on in the house instead and wait till April’ that would be perfectly reasonable as well.

This really all depends on their finances and how he feels about it.

The OP's DH has met someone with children and embraced them financially and practically and become a family, which is fantastic for the children. This should be seen as the ideal and he should be applauded...not the OP criticised.

People criticising the days off...I don't think it's fair to criticise...maybe if she was working normal hours...but she is working evenings and this changes the context completely.

However, I do think the way of thinking in the post is different from mine. I think it needs a discussion overall about how much income is needed between you, outgoings, prospects, balanced with the need for family and downtime, rather than taking each thing in complete isolation and as individuals.

To be honest I think it's really hard because with this arrangement you're almost working for the sake or working, but I completely understand why you want to work, and should work. Hopefully it'll become easier long term.

sake of working that should say.

The costs for them are not loads anyway as they are with their dad 50% of the time and he pays for 50% of everything they need also.

I think you're massively underestimating this.

Costs for your older DC aren't just things like food/phone, but the costs of a much larger house than you would need if it was just you, him, and the toddler.

I don't think you're not contributing or anything, you clearly are but I think asking him to pay for unnecessary childcare does tip it from sounding like a balanced relationship to taking the piss a bit. Most parents of toddlers don't get two days a week to sort their shit out. I certainly don't.

Whatever OP's partner currently pays vs what she pays, it should ALL be proportionate to income.

There's also the question her having seemingly stalled her career progression, pension contributions, et cetera.

Quite apart from the fact that they don't seem to be married, thus leaving her vulnerable.

This whole situation sounds unsustainable long term. What will you do when your DC starts school? You'll scarcely see them under this current arrangement.

I would say

1. DP contributes towards nursery fees (not necessarily half, other finances should be taken into consideration)
2. Both OP and DP need more "down time" and it would be fair for DP to also have some evening childcare paid for to allow him to go out.
3. I hope you're paying your older DC to look after her younger sibling. If you're not, that actually sounds the most unreasonable part of the whole post.

There's also the question her having seemingly stalled her career progression, pension contributions, et cetera.

Though that was possibly already the case before they met, as she has an older DC at college and others at school.

We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees.

It seems bizarre to me that you have decided on this working arrangement which you say is completely exhausting you and sounds like you barely see your family, in order to avoid child care fees, yet are talking about paying hundreds/thousands of pounds for non-essential childcare?!

I'm with you on this. He's paying the vast majority of outgoings, including for her other DC. Perhaps he should contribute something towards nursery fees but the child is going to nursery to give her downtime, not to allow her to work, which seems like a bit of a luxury rather than a necessity.

I’m fully aware of what my own children cost thank you. And nope, we’re not in a much larger house because of them, I lived in this house long before dp came along.

Also, most don’t work most evenings so different situations.

It’s not that simple. Around here the only childcare option is 8.50 till 3.30. No childminders are taking on at the moment and no other nurseries, apart from one that has a year long waiting list and I don’t really like the place if I’m honest. Anyway, it’s not about the money for childcare, it’s just not available for the hours I and dp would need to work if I got another job. Also, the amount of time parents have off for child sickness ect.. we decided after my maternity that I would do opposite work to him to avoid that.

Again. It is not for my downtime. I’ve said this a million times. It’s not for downtime.

But what is going on in your house that shopping and housework takes two full days? You must realise how ridiculous that sounds?

You said "I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill."

I actually did start working in the industry I wanted, as I easily worked around the 50/50 arrangement between me and ex, also they are older so were much easier to either look after themselves a bit, or go to a friends, just easier to get childcare for them full stop. I stopped doing that job because we wanted a baby, a joint decision. But also because dp was working 9-4 at the time, but wanted to progress, so to be able to have a baby, and for him to progress his career I had to put it on hold for a bit. Once dp is where he wants to be career wise he won’t have to work so much.

I think the fact the other kids aren’t his he pays for them and all your rent doesn’t make it quite clear cut
but from what you say doesn’t sound as though he’d have a problem with it just ask

Well actually you did say it might be for some down time. And you cannot possibly have two days worth of errands and the type of deep cleaning level of housework that needs 100% undivided attention every single week. The more I think of it, the more I am veering towards what a cocklodger you would be called if these roles were reversed.

It’s already way past being proportionate to earnings as he pays for everything bar the utility bills. If her older kids need clothes he’s paying, he’s covering food which will cost more when her older kids are there as opposed to how much food would cost with just them & a toddler. He’s probably paying more than he should if you base it on incomes.

presumably there has been some other sort of gaps in her career progression too given she has older children? I’m sure if she asked her generous op to contribute to pension top up’s he’d also do it (which you could argue is of more benefit to the op than him paying for unnecessary childcare) when the time comes for career progression when this child is at school for example then it’ll he her partner paying the costs like he does with everything. I agree she’s vulnerable as if he ups and leaves she’d have to start paying things like food and rent and childcare herself 🙄

You've missed my point.

If your DP was with someone else and just had one toddler, he likely would not be living in and paying for a house the size that you have and need for a household with your DC from a previous relationship

Oh gosh, you thought of all places to ask on MN?!?! 🤦‍♀️
I haven't been long on MN but even I know that anything to do with finances a woman will be scolded to hell here no matter the situation.

Talk to your DP and please don't let strangers influence your particular situation.

To me, this sounds like it would benefit the whole family, having a toddler in between your feet every day while trying to do housework and other things is not easy.

But he is with me. He chose to be with me. Knowing I had other kids. I made it clear if he moved in I’d lose my universal credit that was previously topping up my wages.. so he would have to make up for that. He knew that. And was happy with it. And he is generous and and my older dc very much look up to him. I will ask him later if he’s still happy with this arrangement because people on mumsnet think I’m being unfair.

I’m getting from your post that you spend quite a lot of time on “the house”, errands, family jobs etc but I guess I would be thinking is it worth it, if you’re paying £90 a week (around £360 a month). That’s quite a bit if you work it out to April (over £2000). Would it not be worth getting a cleaner instead? Or maybe having a look at your life and streamlining things, like online shopping, click and collect etc. Or just downgrading your housekeeping expectations until then…

So far as your DC is concerned she’ll have the chance to go to nursery when she’s 3 and the free hours kick in so I don’t think it will makes difference to them.

I can't see how it's not for downtime? You are currently managing without this childcare, so are you suddenly going to have more errands to run and housework to do? Or is it simply that you want less stuff to do and a bit more time to do it in i.e. you want some downtime?