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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

139 replies

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:03

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

OP posts:
MrsRandom123 · 20/08/2023 10:11

You are taking the piss & your friend probably see’s that. Of course he should pay his “half” in a partnership but he’s already paying way more than that including for your older kids who aren’t his own. He is already paying for than he has to, possibly more than he should and likely more than most so maybe appreciate that instead of looking for more. You want him to pay half so you still have the same money each at the end of the month but you get more time off while he is working 12 hour days? It’s not fair.

Presumably, as he is so generous he will pay all of the child care costs when your child is older (not half) when they are needed but they aren’t needed just now you just want the child free time off to make your life “easier” in which case pay for your own downtime out of your disposable income.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/08/2023 10:11

I don’t actually know anyone that used nursery for their children before the funded sessions kicked in, if they weren’t using it so they could work. Maybe my group of friends was on the skint side!

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2023 10:12

Sorry, don't have time to read the full thread but why, if he earns 4x as much as you, why are you paying half the bills? It should be proportionate to income, i.e. 80% vs 20%.

And this obviously applies to childcare as well.

AnotherEmma · 20/08/2023 10:12

How often do you get an evening off (no work or housework) and how often do you get a lie-in, OP? Does he get up with the kids after you've done an evening work shift?

NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:12

Todaywego · 20/08/2023 08:22

When a couple are committed to each other, when they have a child together of course they share costs. At least equally, although I'll be honest, I can't really understand why you'd be going halves on bills etc when one person earns 4x what the other does.

@Todaywego

they don't, he pays all of the rent, then they split the smaller bills

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:13

AnotherEmma · 20/08/2023 10:11

"I can’t go up in my work, it’s a dead end thing really it’s not a career but it fits around the kids and his job. I’d love to have a career but Im actually putting my dreams to the side so he can further his career. Im only late 30s so I have time to do what I want career wise but for now, this is what needs to be done."

I had missed this when I posted. Why are you putting your dreams aside for him when you're not married? You should pursue your own career. If that means working normal hours (I mean weekdays and not evenings/weekends) and having to pay for childcare between you, so be it!

Because there is no childcare around where we live that would cover the hours we would need. This may be outing but I’ll say it anyway, I want to be a funeral director. I want to work in that industry. I have worked in it before and I want to again, but it’s not great hours. Includes some nights and call outs ect. So that’s why I can’t right now.

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:13

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 20/08/2023 08:25

Of course he pays half. She’s his child. He pays half the cost of her being looked after.

@Sleepygrumpyandnothappy

yes, when it's necessary childcare. This isn't. This needs a discussion.

saraclara · 20/08/2023 10:16

You are taking the piss & your friend probably see’s that.

Yes. Friend will already be stunned that OP pays nothing for her own children. Father pays half, her partner pays the other half.

No. He decided to be with me knowing I had children already. I wouldn’t have been with a man with that horrible single minded attitude.

So you'd only be with a man who would pay for your children with another man. That's pretty much exactly whatever the female equivalent of a cocklodger is.

MrsRandom123 · 20/08/2023 10:16

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2023 10:12

Sorry, don't have time to read the full thread but why, if he earns 4x as much as you, why are you paying half the bills? It should be proportionate to income, i.e. 80% vs 20%.

And this obviously applies to childcare as well.

He already pays for everything (bar half of some
bills which op pays) including what her older kids need who aren’t his. Apparently he will pay for half of this if she asked as he is so generous but the point is he doesn’t need to as it’s not essential childcare. op should pay for the hours herself if she wants them for herself. Down the line he will likely pay all childcare when it’s required so i’m with her friend!

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:19

Ok so now I’m a cocklodger. But I don’t do nothing? I don’t contribute nothing? I work bloody hard and if I didn’t have the toddler all day dp would be paying a lot in childcare, and actually wouldn’t be able to work what he does as there is no childcare for those hours around where we live.

OP posts:
WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:22

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:19

Ok so now I’m a cocklodger. But I don’t do nothing? I don’t contribute nothing? I work bloody hard and if I didn’t have the toddler all day dp would be paying a lot in childcare, and actually wouldn’t be able to work what he does as there is no childcare for those hours around where we live.

Right, but you now want him to pay towards a couple of days off for you when he doesn't get the same.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/08/2023 10:23

How much is the childcare for two days a week going to cost, @Hellosausag ?

Could you just hang on until April when the funded hours kick in? Do online food shops so you don’t have to wangle that with a small person in tow.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:28

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:22

Right, but you now want him to pay towards a couple of days off for you when he doesn't get the same.

Show quote history

Are you actually ignoring everything that’s been said? These days without the toddler are not for my free time. They are to help me keep up with the house and also run errands and maybe god forbid I have a shower alone in peace before I go to work for the evening. And he does get days off. He has one evening out a week. Then every evening after 7 when toddler is in bed, and then at a weekend he will sometimes do his own thing but he does choose to spend it with me and dc doing family stuff.

OP posts:
WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:31

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:28

Are you actually ignoring everything that’s been said? These days without the toddler are not for my free time. They are to help me keep up with the house and also run errands and maybe god forbid I have a shower alone in peace before I go to work for the evening. And he does get days off. He has one evening out a week. Then every evening after 7 when toddler is in bed, and then at a weekend he will sometimes do his own thing but he does choose to spend it with me and dc doing family stuff.

Show quote history

I'm not ignoring it, but I'm a parent myself. I've been a mum at home during the day with a toddler. I didn't need to full days off to do fucking shopping and housework!

araiwa · 20/08/2023 10:32

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2023 10:12

Sorry, don't have time to read the full thread but why, if he earns 4x as much as you, why are you paying half the bills? It should be proportionate to income, i.e. 80% vs 20%.

And this obviously applies to childcare as well.

If you can't be arsed to read the thread, thus missing a lot of information, why on earth would anyone give a fuck what you think

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:33

Shinyandnew1 · 20/08/2023 10:23

How much is the childcare for two days a week going to cost, @Hellosausag ?

Could you just hang on until April when the funded hours kick in? Do online food shops so you don’t have to wangle that with a small person in tow.

It will cost about roughly £45 a day. I don’t really want to wait till April as it’s a long way off, and I’m just shattered. It’s the age she is now, terrible 2s, just trying to get her out and about with me is hard work. This has come about because this week I just felt like I couldn’t keep up with the house and I spent all day yesterday catching up which is eating in to our rare time we do get together. I may just pay for it myself until April. It will come out of my own disposable income not dps

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:34

@@Hellosausag

I am losing the will to live! It's like dumb & dumber on here these days. People don't read all the OP's posts & when they do the comprehension level is dire.

it sounds (to me) like you & DP have a lovely relationship, where you both work hard, in slightly different ways.

Personally I'd have a joint account, then each have a spends account of your own if you want to, but essentially you've got that, just done slightly differently.

He earns a lot more, because you support his career & home life. He pays more because you do that.

you are in NO way a cocklodger.

He's not tight.

if I were you, I'd just say to him, I think Sarah/katie/Meg would really benefit from a couple of days in nursery & I would like some time to get stuff done without her 'help'. What do you think? It would cost £x until April when she'll get some free hours.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:34

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:31

I'm not ignoring it, but I'm a parent myself. I've been a mum at home during the day with a toddler. I didn't need to full days off to do fucking shopping and housework!

Show quote history

Did you work 5 evenings a week also?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/08/2023 10:37

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:33

It will cost about roughly £45 a day. I don’t really want to wait till April as it’s a long way off, and I’m just shattered. It’s the age she is now, terrible 2s, just trying to get her out and about with me is hard work. This has come about because this week I just felt like I couldn’t keep up with the house and I spent all day yesterday catching up which is eating in to our rare time we do get together. I may just pay for it myself until April. It will come out of my own disposable income not dps

Show quote history

If you have £3000 to spend on that, then go for it. That would have been a tonne of money I couldn’t have spared, but maybe you have more savings than I did! I’d hang on till April and muddle through.

Aprilx · 20/08/2023 10:38

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2023 10:12

Sorry, don't have time to read the full thread but why, if he earns 4x as much as you, why are you paying half the bills? It should be proportionate to income, i.e. 80% vs 20%.

And this obviously applies to childcare as well.

She s paying half of the utility bills. He pays for literally everything else, rent council, tax, food and everything for her children from a previous relationship.

I generally find the idea the childcare costs are the mothers costs to pretty offensive, but I think the friend here might have something of a point here as these we not even necessary childcare costs.

xyz111 · 20/08/2023 10:39

I don't understand how some people have all money separate, so you have to ask each other to pay for half of everything. Must be very stressful. DH and I both have separate accounts we get paid in to, we have a joint account we put money in to, and all bills, eating out comes out of that.

Doteycat · 20/08/2023 10:40

saraclara · 20/08/2023 10:02

Swap the sexes round in your post. You'd be calling a man who expected his new partner to pay for his children by another woman, a cocklodger. Even if she was the higher earner.

Show quote history

No I wouldnt.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:43

Doteycat · 20/08/2023 10:40

No I wouldnt.

Show quote history

New partner?! We’ve been together over 5 years lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:44

@Doteycat sorry I quoted wrong person

OP posts:
Totaly · 20/08/2023 10:51

Sorry, don't have time to read the full thread but why, if he earns 4x as much as you, why are you paying half the bills? It should be proportionate to income, i.e. 80% vs 20%.

And this obviously applies to childcare as well

So on top of all the rent, food, council tax and everything for OPs children including clothing etc

Whilst OP pays half the bills, why should he pay for unnecessary childcare?