To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

[Hellosausag]

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

Could you compromise on one day of nursery rather than two? From what you’ve described, two days seems an excessive cost for your reason for wanting to do it.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be so financially reliant on my partner and also wouldn’t allow them to pay for my older children’s food and clothing.

I think your partner paying the rent etc to make up for money you lost from UC is fair enough but I do think it’s a bit unfair on him to be paying for your older children, especially as their father is involved.

Maybe you need to sit down and have a wider conversation about finances and who is responsible for what.

Assume it will benefit him you being less stressed and the house looking nicer

Your DP sounds incredibly generous and a wonderful stepfather OP. I don't think it sounds like he would have a problem paying £45 a week for the next 8 months at all (assuming 50:50) You've even said he'll push the hoover round and does his share in the house, compared to what you usually read on these threads he already sounds like a saint to me and therefore I wouldn't push my luck for the sake of 8 months but if you don't think he'll mind, go for it. Most likely already said but could you do online grocery shopping and do the older DC not have ten mins to watch the toddler while you shower or help you unload the dishwasher etc?

Wow some posters are harsh. It's not like the op wants two spa days a week. It's perfectly acceptable to want to get all your jobs done in peace. There are no medals for working yourself into the ground.
Op your DH sounds like a good man and you work well as a team. Your friend is wrong.
FOR THE HARD OF READING OP WORKS 5 EVENINGS A WEEK AND HAS NO DOWNTIME HTH.

FOR THE HARD OF READING OP WORKS 5 EVENINGS A WEEK AND HAS NO DOWNTIME HTH.

But that was something she and her DP agree on to avoid childcare costs.

It's therefore rather odd to want to take on childcare costs.

I think OP would be better juggling her schedule to work more "normal" hours ,especially with nursery fee hours and then school on the horizon, rather than force a punishing schedule upon herself that means she's then desparate for a break and pays for childcare when she doesn't actually need it.

If you read my posts… it explains why I don’t and can’t work normal hours. There’s no jobs that are 9-3! And no childcare around here to accommodate other hours. And it will cost far less to have a couple days in the week, than a full week of child care just so I can work normal hours. And then you have all the holidays and to cover.

I think it is you struggling with your reading. Go and re read the first post, there is a clear intent to have some down time / lazy time / time to herself. It was only after she didn't get 100% of the support she wanted that she suddenly definitely requires two whole full days every week purely for errands and housework.

I did read your posts which is where I noted that you'd only need full time childcare until free hours kick in in April. And it's unlikely you'll walk straight into another job, so clear this should be longer term plan. Plus when your child does get to traditional pre-school age you'll want them to go for more hours, so you'll scarcely see them if you stick with evening/1 weekend day working.

I refuse to believe there is no childcare outside of 9-3. Does every single family in your area have a SAHP (or evening working) parent?

The OP originally said Around here the only childcare option is 8.50 till 3.30. No childminders are taking on at the moment and no other nurseries, apart from one that has a year long waiting list which is different to "no childcare other than 9-3 existing. There clearly are childminders and at least one other nursery, they just have waiting lists which is pretty normal for childcare

When does he get a break?

Every evening after 7? Every other weekend??

Well thanks to the helpful replies, no thanks to everyone that called me a cock lodger lol. but I spoke to him and he said yeah no problem I’ll pay for it. I showed him this thread and he said he can’t believe people can think I don’t deserve a couple days to get stuff done with out a toddler running about. He even said I don’t have to do house stuff I can do my own thing if I want to. I asked him if he feels like he needs more time to himself and his answer was “no, I get an evening out a week, the rest of the time I would rather be with you” so that’s settled 😊

Is there any reason why op can't just enjoy a couple if days if peace and rest? You know considering she works full time with a family.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Childcare costs should be split between parents, always (if possible, anyway). In terms of why you'd like dd to have some time at nursery, they're all very valid reasons - it's good for them to socialise in preparation for school and it gives you time to a) get things done and b) have some time to yourself. It sounds like your partner is unlikely to have any issues with that :-)

Free hours wise, I think everyone is eligible for the 30 free hours. We've never been eligible for help with childcare costs, but my youngest has been able to have his 30 hours since turning 3.