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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to pay half the nursery fees

139 replies

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 08:03

I haven’t spoken with him about it yet, it’s not that I think he will say no, as he’s not the type to say it’s just up to me but I was telling a friend my plan and she said I shouldn’t ask him for half the fees.

so I want to know if I’m being a knob expecting it of him before I say something!

he works full time, out the house 12 hours a day, often weekends also. I work evenings and and a full day at a weekend, so he gets 2 days in 14 off, I get 2 days a week off. We do a sort of he walks in from work, I walk out, to avoid the child care fees. He gets paid about 4 times what I do if that’s relevant. He does pay for the rent, and half the bills. I do the other half of bills.
he definitely doesn’t shy away from paying for things if the kids need it, he always gets it and also a very good hands on dad, when he’s home he takes over with the kids and does jobs around the house, we both do our share I think and this works.

so, we have a 2.5 year old. I want her to go to nursery. A couple days a week 9-3 so fits in with school run for my older dc. I’m not at work during that time, but obviously I do have things to do at home, food shopping that’s awkward with a toddler, and errands to run that my dp doesn’t have time for. Also, she’s at the age where normally it’s good for them to go to nursery. Up until now she’s been home with me. Weekends my eldest looks after her if both me and dp work, which she doesn’t mind but obviously during the week she’s at college.

now, I’d like her to go 2 days, so I can have those 2 days to get the house done, have time to shower ready for work in the evening in peace! and just get things done without a strong willed toddler about.
I know my dp won’t begrudge me of this, he will want me to have a couple days sort of “to myself” and wouldn’t even care if I spent the day being lazy, but, I want him to pay half the bill. I guess it does mostly benefit me her going to nursery, but I feel a bit burnt out at the moment and just never stop with the toddler, school runs, house, errands then going to work myself till 11pm , I do this 4 nights a week plus a 12-11pm shift on a weekend. I’m exhausted.

happy to be told I’m unreasonable and I’ll just pay the bill myself, but what do you think?

OP posts:
MumApril1990 · 20/08/2023 09:30

I don’t see why he would mind paying half, just add it to the list of household bills/ family expenses.

saraclara · 20/08/2023 09:34

He pays all the rent and council tax and food. I pay half of the other bills. Just how we have always done it. Like I said he isn’t stingy and pays for anything the kids or I need. I don’t have to ask really, he will happily pay for the kids clothes and trips and holidays and pocket money for them and he pays for the car that only I use, he has a work car so doesn’t have to pay for that, he pays for anything unexpected. Also, we only share the toddler, I also have children from previous relationship that are with us half the time and he pays for anything they need also.

The majority of posters seem to have ignored this information.
What does your money pay for? I can't see anything left but half of the utilities bills. He seems extraordinarily generous to me. Yet people are still posting as if he's not doing enough.

ActDottie · 20/08/2023 09:35

Ofc he pays half!!!

Your friend who suggested it was wrong is just ridiculous!

Aprilx · 20/08/2023 09:35

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 09:09

It’s not really so I can have child free time. It’s so I can get more done at home and do errands without the toddler. So yes would be easier for me, but also beneficial to our daughter I feel

Show quote history

And I was responding to another poster that suggested you should ramp up monthly expense by £1000 on, what is desirable but definitely non essential, expenses without so much as a discussion.

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:37

How much do you actually spend on your share of the bills?

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 09:41

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:37

How much do you actually spend on your share of the bills?

so it works out that we have the same amount of disposable income left at the end of the month, for ourselves. That’s how we have done it. He is generous, and he treats my kids that are not his financially like his own, which I’m grateful for. But at the same time, I do look after the house, run all errands and look after our toddler all day, so he can go up in his career. He even says himself he couldn’t do what he does with work if it wasn’t for me being at home during the day.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 20/08/2023 09:44

Your friend is being stupid. Just ignore her. The child is half yours half your partner's so of course he should pay half.

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:52

so of course he should pay half.

He already pays for everything for the op’s older children who are not his. Should she not be paying half of their costs? If not all of them??

bridgetreilly · 20/08/2023 09:55

What benefits you will benefit the whole family, including him. Definitely split, like you do for all bills. No one calculates who benefits most from a TV license or running water.

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:56

Definitely split, like you do for all bills.

They don’t split all bills. He is paying for almost everything already.

Doteycat · 20/08/2023 09:59

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:52

so of course he should pay half.

He already pays for everything for the op’s older children who are not his. Should she not be paying half of their costs? If not all of them??

No, he married her knowing she had kids already. He should pay as he earns a lot more.

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 10:01

Where does she say they are married?

saraclara · 20/08/2023 10:02

Doteycat · 20/08/2023 09:59

No, he married her knowing she had kids already. He should pay as he earns a lot more.

Show quote history

Swap the sexes round in your post. You'd be calling a man who expected his new partner to pay for his children by another woman, a cocklodger. Even if she was the higher earner.

Pineapples198 · 20/08/2023 10:03

Instead of saying you want your child to go to nursery so you can have a break, sit down with DP and discuss how the child is getting older and you would like to consider nursery a couple of days a week, for socialisation and education and time to do the housework. Give him the costs and ask what he thinks. Ask if you should split the bill 50/50. She will get 15 or 30 free hours the term after she turns 3 anyway.

also instead of this “he pays the rent and I pay the bills stuff” why don’t you have a joint account where all your wages go and all bills come out of. Set up a direct debit from this to your personal accounts of an agreed amount each for “fun stuff” like clothes, cinema and treats. This way all bills are covered from the joint pot and no one is left feeling out of pocket. Your choice of course but I’ve had friends have to ask their partners for money to cover grocery shopping and it feels a bit unfair

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:03

So you get a couple of days off and he gets one evening? And he has to pay towards your days off?

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:04

GrazingSheep · 20/08/2023 09:52

so of course he should pay half.

He already pays for everything for the op’s older children who are not his. Should she not be paying half of their costs? If not all of them??

No. He decided to be with me knowing I had children already. I wouldn’t have been with a man with that horrible single minded attitude. He helps to pay for my children that arnt his because we are a family. The costs for them are not loads anyway as they are with their dad 50% of the time and he pays for 50% of everything they need also.
for posters thinking he’s hard done by, he had a nice lie in this morning and has woken to a tidy house with a fry up on the table and will be watching the football. I’m grateful for all he does and I make sure he knows it. He works the hours he does because he’s wanting to get a promotion. I can’t go up in my work, it’s a dead end thing really it’s not a career but it fits around the kids and his job. I’d love to have a career but Im actually putting my dreams to the side so he can further his career. Im only late 30s so I have time to do what I want career wise but for now, this is what needs to be done.

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:04

sashagabadon · 20/08/2023 08:08

Of course he pays half

@sashagabadon

no, there is no 'of course' about it, when one parent is at home & it's not essential as far as childcare goes. It's different if both parents are working at that time, but this is not the case here.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:05

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:03

So you get a couple of days off and he gets one evening? And he has to pay towards your days off?

He gets one evening out of the house. And 6 in the house when toddler goes to bed at 7.

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:06

Parker231 · 20/08/2023 08:09

If you are a couple as opposed to two people living together, all income and expenditure is joint so nursery fees would come from the joint pot.

@Parker231 A lot of couples don't merge their finances like that. They don't have to, it's not compulsory.

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:06

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:05

He gets one evening out of the house. And 6 in the house when toddler goes to bed at 7.

Show quote history

Not exactly fair is it. He's got one evening where he can leave the house.

AnotherEmma · 20/08/2023 10:07

Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 09:41

so it works out that we have the same amount of disposable income left at the end of the month, for ourselves. That’s how we have done it. He is generous, and he treats my kids that are not his financially like his own, which I’m grateful for. But at the same time, I do look after the house, run all errands and look after our toddler all day, so he can go up in his career. He even says himself he couldn’t do what he does with work if it wasn’t for me being at home during the day.

Show quote history

It sounds as if you've found a fair way of organising the finances, so ignore the PPs who are saying otherwise. On mumsnet people often say that couples should have the same amount of disposable income left over after essentials are paid for.

You are most probably eligible for Tax Free Childcare which gives you 20% off nursery fees. Use it and then each of you pays 40%.

It sounds as if you both enjoy your jobs and he gets down time in the evenings (including an evening out with friends) so you are absolutely reasonable to want a bit more child-free time to get jobs done more quickly/easily and you should take a bit of time for yourself, too. Don't feel guilty or that you have to justify it to anyone, not your "friend" (not much of a friend really!) and certainly not strangers on mumsnet.

NeedTheSeaside · 20/08/2023 10:09

Ballcactus · 20/08/2023 08:10

He pays it

@Ballcactus

why?

this is optional, not essential, childcare.

Original poster
Hellosausag · 20/08/2023 10:09

WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:06

Not exactly fair is it. He's got one evening where he can leave the house.

Show quote history

I don’t have any.. well I probably go out of an evening once a month but ok.

OP posts:
WunWun · 20/08/2023 10:10

He absolutely shouldn't pay for this.

AnotherEmma · 20/08/2023 10:11

"I can’t go up in my work, it’s a dead end thing really it’s not a career but it fits around the kids and his job. I’d love to have a career but Im actually putting my dreams to the side so he can further his career. Im only late 30s so I have time to do what I want career wise but for now, this is what needs to be done."

I had missed this when I posted. Why are you putting your dreams aside for him when you're not married? You should pursue your own career. If that means working normal hours (I mean weekdays and not evenings/weekends) and having to pay for childcare between you, so be it!