DH gone out with friends...

[jammydodgers0]

DH and I have a 12 week old baby.

He's a great Dad and great Husband but very annoying when he's drunk (maybe twice a year). He's gone out tonight with his friends, I dropped him and 2 of his friends off in town 30 minutes from where we live to meet other friends at 6pm.

He told me he wasn't drinking much tonight and I said I'd pick him up but I'm not picking him up any later than midnight because our baby has her last feed around 11:30 then goes down for the night. I thought I can give her the last feed, put her in the car, pick him up and get home to put her in the cot and get into bed myself by 12:30.

He said that's great and he'd text me to confirm at 8ish. Hadn't heard anything by 10 so I text him to ask him if I'm picking him up at 12, no reply by half 10 so I called him and he said "hmm not sure" he sounds drunk but said he'd read my text and message back. It's now 23:12 and I've heard nothing, my WhatsApp messages haven't got the blue ticks so he hasn't even opened my message.

I'm really annoyed because it's getting to the time of DD's last feed until 6am and I want to know whether to just go to bed after, I'm tired.

The last train back to our town is at 11:50 so he won't be getting on that as he clearly isn't ready to come home yet and taxis here are extortionate, would be around £75 to get home.

I know what's going to happen, he'll call me around 1am asking me to pick him up but I'm not taking our baby out of her cot when she's properly settled to go and do an hour round trip.

I don't want to call him again as don't want to be the "nagging wife" but I just think it's selfish. If I don't pick him up, he'd be able to sleep at one of his friends who lives in that town but I don't think that's fair because he was coming home.

Do I call? Or just text and say if he wants to come home he needs to let me know by 11:45 otherwise I'm not coming out and just leave it there?

This 100%
My husband is the same. I can't stand him when he's drunk. I don't even put myself in the position of picking him up or chasing him with messages. Lack of respect and consideration.

What had any of this got to do with the OPs post?

😳 I can't believe this thread caused such a stir! Trust me, I'm not some downtrodden mug of a wife. It's on the very odd occasion that DH will go out and get drunk and that's absolutely fine, he still has friends and a social life, just like I do too.

All is well, I went out by myself with the dog for a couple of hours on a lovely walk whilst DD had her morning nap and DH laid on the sofa feeling sorry for himself. When I got home, DD was washed, dressed and they were playing with her musical mat. He said sorry again and it's all forgotten about.

People really need to lighten up a little bit and it just so happens that we have a friends birthday this weekend (with the kids all present too) and it's my turn to have a few glasses of wine 🎉

Thanks to everyone who reassured me about the SIDS thing and for agreeing that I'm not insane because I won't LTB. He's on day 2 of a hangover and I'm thoroughly enjoying watching him suffer 😂

He's a grown man and knows how to get himself home. If the trains are not running, then he needs to get in a cab, it's not your problem they cost £75, it's his.

I would never ask my partner to come pick me up late at night with small children.

Not at all, I was fortunate to marry an incredible man. Unfortunately, stress took a toll on him, leading to his addiction issues. He's now going out, and I'm not concerned about the time he returns because he's steering clear of alcohol and drugs, coming back at reasonable hours.

Each of us has lived through unique experiences, shaping our perspectives and advice. I've been disheartened by certain responses on here. This is Mumsnet, after all, we should be approaching discussions with empathy and compassion. Let's all channel our efforts into providing supportive advice rather than resorting to judgmental remarks. To those who have replied, I kindly ask you to consider contributing in a manner that fosters positive and productive conversations, leaving behind any hurtful comments.

This feels like I am on one of those website that criticises influencers, I can’t think of its name but I’ve seen screenshots.

I’d joined this to eventually ask for some advice. I’m really shocked by the conduct and comments I’ve seen.

You sound like a lovely well-adjusted human - good for you, handled beautifully IMHO

Because this was what I was advised to do! He’d often not be home for days and be in jail.

OP you have a normal, healthy relationship.

Ignore all of the controlling posters who wouldn’t allow their DPs out socialising without them.

You do not get into a relationship/have kids and then suddenly stop being your own person with your own life.

Thanks NannyOgg, I'll give that a try now. You're a star!

Yes OP, 100% normal relationship. I can’t believe the nerve of some people on here.

Your situation is not at all like the OP's. You were making suggestions to her based on YOUR experiences, not hers, and it made you come across as incredibly judgemental when you're preaching to others on here not to judge. It was also a massive drip feed, you didn't at all mention any of this in your first comment. Locking your doors and not letting someone in because they're going through active addiction is incredibly different to doing the same thing because someone stayed out a bit later than planned and didn't stick to the original pick up plan.

If you need advice on your situation, then perhaps make your own thread - don't just jump into someone else's that is completely irrelevant. I say this as someone who has also been there while their DH went through addiction issues; it's horrible and I completely sympathise. But this thread isn't the place for your projection.

Thank you OP for being so down to earth!

Normal healthy relationship is all I see.
We aspire to the same - we have our me time, we help each other out and no one is a mug.

Goodness some people do get wound up easily. You did the right thing OP in setting a deadline and ideally your DH should have said he would be making other arrangements but he has apologised so just move on. Nothing wrong with taking a baby out in the car at night (some people I know used to take theirs out to get them to go to sleep) and just because you are parents now it does not mean you cannot go out with friends and have a few drinks.

As for waking a 3 month old at night if they don't wake to fee FGS. Lots of babies sleep through at that age. Lots don't but waking them is ridiculous unless they are very underweight and a medical professional has told you not to let them go over a certain number of hours.

Babies are fine to be moved around when sleeping. The more you cosset and stick rigidly to routines the more difficult you make your own life.

It’s perfectly possible to raise adaptable humans, without hauling ass out at night to drive an adult home after a night on the piss. Believe me.

And if we’re talking about making life difficult for oneself, I’d find schlepping around after DH at midnight far more difficult than sitting at home with a glass of wine and a movie, or being asleep in bed - that’s for sure!

Op has already said that she and her husband will do this favour for eachother on their very occasional nights out. I wonder reading some of the comments how many couples actually do nice things for eachother rather than consider themselves first and last always.

Sounds to me the way caring partnerships work. You are there for eachother and help when you can. No one being taken advantage of and neither partner always putting themselves first.

Doing something ‘nice for each other’ is making your own arrangements home, and not getting your partner (and in this case, baby) to sit up and come out to get you late at night.

‘Doing something nice’ means different things to different couples.

Give me my DH who wouldn’t let me do this, even if I tried to insist, because, to him, it’s far ‘nicer’ for me to be at home with wine / movie / in bed.

Honestly - to me, the people getting picked up like this don’t sound very ‘nice’ (thoughtful, considerate) at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Time he grew up and acted like a father and husband all the time!!!
let him walk home, might sober him up …

Feed baby. Go to bed. Switch off phone until the morning

The OP - and others - are being defensive about going out to pick partners up late at night, after drinking.

Clearly it’s not working for the OP - hence this thread!? - so I’m not sure why she’s defending it so.

Either the person being picked up is on a curfew and has to come home at a set time, even if they’re enjoying themselves and would rather stay out.

Or the person doing the picking up is sitting up, waiting, waiting, waiting for the call, getting ignored when they send reminder texts, and seething with resentment.

I mean, I’m trying to understand why some people seem to think it’s such a great arrangement, but ….

P.S. I know the whole thing has long since been resolved, but the conversation has continued.

Take no notice of the nasty post. You are right. X

Absolutely, I agree that none of us can definitively claim that our responses mirror the OP's situation, considering the distinct experiences each of us have. Aren’t we all trying to share advice from a relatable standpoint? Without harbouring any intention of passing judgement? I've encountered instances on here, where people have shared their own actions and anecdotes on several occasions. I wholeheartedly appreciate the subtleties inherent in different scenarios, such as managing active addiction versus minor deviations from plans. My failure to include certain information in my initial comment was not calculated; rather, I aimed to provide added insight. The term "projection" should not be used lightly within this context and thrown around like confetti.

I steadfastly maintain the belief that the OP’s husband's actions lacked consideration and kindness. The fact that a solitary comment has sparked such a barrage of hateful responses within a community of fellow mothers is really disheartening. I’ve never known/experienced anything like it in my life!

I genuinely believed that Mumsnet represented a place of empathy and understanding. Let me emphasise that I had no intention of appearing in any of the ways people have suggested. Despite the variances in circumstances surrounding door-locking, I think it’s important to acknowledge that advice can transcend diverse scenarios, each with its own unique intricacies.

I respectfully disagree with the notion that initiating a separate thread would have been a more suitable course of action to address the OP's situation. I acknowledge the challenges you've faced in navigating your spouse's addiction issues, and my heart genuinely goes out to you for being able to stand by and support. I hope he is okay now.

Frankly, the torrent of negativity and cruelty witnessed today has taken me aback completely. While I had contemplated starting a thread on a different issue, the hostility demonstrated today has just been too excessive.

My primary objective was to provide context and contribute to the ongoing thread. People seek advice here because they value the insights stemming from personal experiences shared by fellow community members.

It is profoundly disheartening to encounter such disrespectful, spiteful, and abusive comments and messages stemming from a single comment. The intensity of negativity triggered by a solitary comment is genuinely shocking. I had no inkling that Mumsnet could descend into this. Let us consider this matter concluded. The OP’s post should have been the focus, not endless comments about my response. People’s responses to my advice completely detracted from the advice she had sought on here and for that I am truly sorry.

You are not commenting from a relatable standpoint! That comment alone is utter rubbish.

Ok. Some posters on here are insane.