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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH gone out with friends...

252 replies

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:20

DH and I have a 12 week old baby.

He's a great Dad and great Husband but very annoying when he's drunk (maybe twice a year). He's gone out tonight with his friends, I dropped him and 2 of his friends off in town 30 minutes from where we live to meet other friends at 6pm.

He told me he wasn't drinking much tonight and I said I'd pick him up but I'm not picking him up any later than midnight because our baby has her last feed around 11:30 then goes down for the night. I thought I can give her the last feed, put her in the car, pick him up and get home to put her in the cot and get into bed myself by 12:30.

He said that's great and he'd text me to confirm at 8ish. Hadn't heard anything by 10 so I text him to ask him if I'm picking him up at 12, no reply by half 10 so I called him and he said "hmm not sure" he sounds drunk but said he'd read my text and message back. It's now 23:12 and I've heard nothing, my WhatsApp messages haven't got the blue ticks so he hasn't even opened my message.

I'm really annoyed because it's getting to the time of DD's last feed until 6am and I want to know whether to just go to bed after, I'm tired.

The last train back to our town is at 11:50 so he won't be getting on that as he clearly isn't ready to come home yet and taxis here are extortionate, would be around £75 to get home.

I know what's going to happen, he'll call me around 1am asking me to pick him up but I'm not taking our baby out of her cot when she's properly settled to go and do an hour round trip.

I don't want to call him again as don't want to be the "nagging wife" but I just think it's selfish. If I don't pick him up, he'd be able to sleep at one of his friends who lives in that town but I don't think that's fair because he was coming home.

Do I call? Or just text and say if he wants to come home he needs to let me know by 11:45 otherwise I'm not coming out and just leave it there?

OP posts:
rwalker · 20/08/2023 11:25

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:05

He's not a great dad is he as he's happy enough for his daughter to be having to be driven about at midnight to collect him!

Absolute bollocks we did this when ether of us occasionally went out never a problem whatsoever

also had to do it when wife was on lates to pick her up from work at 11

DinoRoar14 · 20/08/2023 11:40

@jammydodgers0 Glad it's all been resolved.
But just as an aside you can absolutly carry on the late night drunken pickups with older kids.
You throw in a McDonalds and then enjoy the entertainment of them throwing a hundred questions at the intoxicated parent.

ihadamarveloustime · 20/08/2023 12:09

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:05

He's not a great dad is he as he's happy enough for his daughter to be having to be driven about at midnight to collect him!

You're usually more sensible than this...

Babies are often up at midnight anyway, and there are plenty of occasions when it would be perfectly sensible to have a baby in the car at that time. I used to drive my three back up to Scotland at night because they were more likely to snooze in the car, rather than do day trips. I would often arrive at about 1:00 am which worked well for all of us!

sandyhappypeople · 20/08/2023 12:11

DinoRoar14 · 20/08/2023 11:40

@jammydodgers0 Glad it's all been resolved.
But just as an aside you can absolutly carry on the late night drunken pickups with older kids.
You throw in a McDonalds and then enjoy the entertainment of them throwing a hundred questions at the intoxicated parent.

I think people were referring to when they start sleeping through 12 hours, I wouldn’t get my toddler out of bed for a midnight pickup but if they were already awake because they’re babies and that’s the current routine it wouldn’t bother me.

I've heard of some people who actually went out in their cars for the sole purpose of getting the kids to go to sleep so maybe they would see it as a two birds one stone sort of thing anyway!!

DinoRoar14 · 20/08/2023 12:15

sandyhappypeople · 20/08/2023 12:11

I think people were referring to when they start sleeping through 12 hours, I wouldn’t get my toddler out of bed for a midnight pickup but if they were already awake because they’re babies and that’s the current routine it wouldn’t bother me.

I've heard of some people who actually went out in their cars for the sole purpose of getting the kids to go to sleep so maybe they would see it as a two birds one stone sort of thing anyway!!

Show quote history

I understood perfectly.
Many have said that this arrangement needs to end because of the baby.

I have much older children than the OP and we have still done the occasional late pick up.

Mookie81 · 20/08/2023 12:17

desperatelyseekingnoone · 20/08/2023 10:25

defo put yourself and baby first.

Defo read thw whole thread Hmm

desperatelyseekingnoone · 20/08/2023 12:28

Mookie81 · 20/08/2023 12:17

Defo read thw whole thread Hmm

Show quote history

um yeh i did read OP's posts, not reading a whole thread lol. put yourself and baby first still stands i.e dh ignores you while out, so go to bed, no biggie.

jamimmi · 20/08/2023 12:43

If your happy to pick up and its obviously on every week then that's fine. I'm sure he will do it for you too when you want a night out. I did it with my husband for years even with older kids. The PP mention of throwing in a macdonalds is true. Strawberry thick shake used to lead to lots of questions! One of mine slept 12 till 7 from 8 weeks she now a healthy 16 yr old so wouldn't worry about that either

Youdontsay87 · 20/08/2023 13:03

I used to do late night pick once a month for my husband. My babies were fine. Snuggled in their car seats safely for an hour tops. No harm done. Better to get their parent home safely plus he did the same for me. Made us happier parents.

pictoosh · 20/08/2023 13:36

"Baby needs a consistent evening routine, not to be bundled in a car to pick up an inebriated parent during the early hours."

Fucking hell...go and get a job reporting for The Sun will you?

Sigmama · 20/08/2023 14:24

I wouldn't fancy driving late at night with wee baby just to pick up someone on their jollies. A new mum needs her rest.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 20/08/2023 14:44

It’s funny how different people think different things are ‘lovely’, or have very different view of what’s ‘considerate’ in a relationship.

If I’d offered to pick DH up after a night out, he’d have laughed and said ‘absolutely no way, I’ll get my own way home’.

He’d far rather I stay in, not wait up until whatever time, go to bed at my own time - and if it’s a Saturday night, have a glass of wine while I watch a movie.

Throw a baby into the mix, and there’s zero way he’d ever want me sitting up ‘til the late hours for him.

I think that’s infinitely more ‘lovely’ and considerate than saying ‘yes’ to the offer of a late night lift!

We have plenty (certainly had pre-DC) night out with our own friends - and neither of us would dream of getting the other one to haul ass out and act as taxi driver.

zombie0037 · 21/08/2023 18:03

If it was the husband staying at home, and wife going out, would you expect the husband to still stay up, and wait for call or would you expect the wife to find her own way home

Whathappenedtomyvag · 21/08/2023 18:05

I'm only here to lend support to OP. Why are people so mean?

One of my kids only slept ate and farted from the moment he was born. You didn't ask for sleep pattern aggression.

Sometimes husbands are a bit dickish. Mine is often selfish and frequently a bit of a nob. He is still a great dad and he is only human. As is yours. All of us can be dicks sometimes, that doesn't automatically equate to bad parent or partner.

I think you made the right decision and it's all sorted out the next day. Gawd knows I'm an angry old lady, about everything these days, but we could all do with being a little more supportive..... This space feels very confrontational these days.

YorkshireLucy · 21/08/2023 18:15

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:30

Thanks everyone.

We've always given each other lifts if the other is drinking, he's come out (pre having baby) to pick me up from a girls night lots of times without a complaint so I always offer on the rare occasion he does go out.

He's been online as his WhatsApp says last seen and it was after we spoke on the phone so I take it he doesn't want to reply to me so I'll feed our baby now and go to bed.

That was before you had a baby together. Not as easy now to just go pick each other up, because you have a little human to look after.

Grrrrdarling · 21/08/2023 18:28

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:20

DH and I have a 12 week old baby.

He's a great Dad and great Husband but very annoying when he's drunk (maybe twice a year). He's gone out tonight with his friends, I dropped him and 2 of his friends off in town 30 minutes from where we live to meet other friends at 6pm.

He told me he wasn't drinking much tonight and I said I'd pick him up but I'm not picking him up any later than midnight because our baby has her last feed around 11:30 then goes down for the night. I thought I can give her the last feed, put her in the car, pick him up and get home to put her in the cot and get into bed myself by 12:30.

He said that's great and he'd text me to confirm at 8ish. Hadn't heard anything by 10 so I text him to ask him if I'm picking him up at 12, no reply by half 10 so I called him and he said "hmm not sure" he sounds drunk but said he'd read my text and message back. It's now 23:12 and I've heard nothing, my WhatsApp messages haven't got the blue ticks so he hasn't even opened my message.

I'm really annoyed because it's getting to the time of DD's last feed until 6am and I want to know whether to just go to bed after, I'm tired.

The last train back to our town is at 11:50 so he won't be getting on that as he clearly isn't ready to come home yet and taxis here are extortionate, would be around £75 to get home.

I know what's going to happen, he'll call me around 1am asking me to pick him up but I'm not taking our baby out of her cot when she's properly settled to go and do an hour round trip.

I don't want to call him again as don't want to be the "nagging wife" but I just think it's selfish. If I don't pick him up, he'd be able to sleep at one of his friends who lives in that town but I don't think that's fair because he was coming home.

Do I call? Or just text and say if he wants to come home he needs to let me know by 11:45 otherwise I'm not coming out and just leave it there?

Read all your replies & I don’t think he is a bad dad but he was bang out of order leaving you wondering about the plans for the night despite agreeing to let you know what was occurring by 8’ish.
Next time if you are ok doing the drop off I would get someone else to do the pick up trip.
I wouldn’t travel a new born half an hour after a feed as they could be sick but if the situation arises again you could travel them next to you so you can keep a better eye on them & lower any issues if that was to happen.

I bet you, like the rest of us, hoped his daddy duties were less than fun the day after 😂

OhwhyOY · 21/08/2023 18:45

I must be a terrible mother according to some PPs, OP, as I will quite happily pack my baby into the car late at night or early morning on occasion when needed. In my view it makes for more flexible children that aren't slaves to routine, as long as it's within reason and they are still well rested overall.

Jillybloop393 · 21/08/2023 18:48

LaviniasBigBloomers · 19/08/2023 23:24

You've offered and you've followed up and he's ignored you. Feed the baby and put them to bed then get to bed yourself. Text him 'goodnight, you didn't get back to me so I've gone to bed' then put your phone onto silent so you don't get woken up.

I'd do this, I think it's fair.
Incidentally, can anyone tell me what I click on so that I see all the posts made by the original poster, please?

KajsaKavat · 21/08/2023 18:59

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 10:21

He's not a great dad because on one occasion he was okay with our 12 week old baby being put in the car and driven by their sober Mum on one occasion? Give over.

What if it was a family wedding? A 30th birthday party? Would you expect me or him to take our DD home and have her in bed by 8?

Show quote history

Omg people are insane. It won’t harm the baby to be taken out late at night. What is wrong with people. I wonder how they think humans evolved to the level we are today…

Peppermintpatty24 · 21/08/2023 19:03

I don't know what was said by pp, but I agree with you. Absolutely nothing wrong with leaving her to sleep. I did same with my son. He's now a strapping 27 year.

JudgeJ · 21/08/2023 19:04

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:05

He's not a great dad is he as he's happy enough for his daughter to be having to be driven about at midnight to collect him!

Some people on here really need to grow up! I recall wheeling our first baby home from a Mess party at 6am more than once and she knew nothing about it nor did it do her any harm!

diddl · 21/08/2023 19:06

Some people on here really need to grow up!

🙄

I apologised to Op some time ago.

Loopylambs · 21/08/2023 19:15

Turn your phone off and go to bed .

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 21/08/2023 19:32

Great outcome @jammydodgers0 and yay for his friends girlfriend, she sounds really fab and lovely.

I used to take our baby out in the car around 11pm most weeknights to pick DH up from the central station otherwise he had a 30+min wait for the connection to our area (and then quite a walk from there). Just like you, it was no big inconvenience and our baby was fine transferring into the cot when we got home. She's a teen now and no lasting 'damage' from her evening drive around town as a baby Grin

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 19:33

Some people on here cannot cope with the idea of a parent going out with mates and getting a bit pissed. They think parents should stay home every night, let their friendships drift and have a thimble full of wine once a year.