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Original poster

DH gone out with friends...

252 replies

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:20

DH and I have a 12 week old baby.

He's a great Dad and great Husband but very annoying when he's drunk (maybe twice a year). He's gone out tonight with his friends, I dropped him and 2 of his friends off in town 30 minutes from where we live to meet other friends at 6pm.

He told me he wasn't drinking much tonight and I said I'd pick him up but I'm not picking him up any later than midnight because our baby has her last feed around 11:30 then goes down for the night. I thought I can give her the last feed, put her in the car, pick him up and get home to put her in the cot and get into bed myself by 12:30.

He said that's great and he'd text me to confirm at 8ish. Hadn't heard anything by 10 so I text him to ask him if I'm picking him up at 12, no reply by half 10 so I called him and he said "hmm not sure" he sounds drunk but said he'd read my text and message back. It's now 23:12 and I've heard nothing, my WhatsApp messages haven't got the blue ticks so he hasn't even opened my message.

I'm really annoyed because it's getting to the time of DD's last feed until 6am and I want to know whether to just go to bed after, I'm tired.

The last train back to our town is at 11:50 so he won't be getting on that as he clearly isn't ready to come home yet and taxis here are extortionate, would be around £75 to get home.

I know what's going to happen, he'll call me around 1am asking me to pick him up but I'm not taking our baby out of her cot when she's properly settled to go and do an hour round trip.

I don't want to call him again as don't want to be the "nagging wife" but I just think it's selfish. If I don't pick him up, he'd be able to sleep at one of his friends who lives in that town but I don't think that's fair because he was coming home.

Do I call? Or just text and say if he wants to come home he needs to let me know by 11:45 otherwise I'm not coming out and just leave it there?

OP posts:
FairAcre · 20/08/2023 09:37

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 08:47

Hi everyone

Erm not really sure what to make of this thread, being called a mug by one poster, another telling me I should be waking baby up for feeds because of SIDS, it's really not nice.

I'm a long time poster but name changed, been on here years and it's changed so much, people seem to be really rude about the tiniest thing.

I put DD in her cot and got into bed, DH is fast asleep on sofa, he didn't wake me or DD up.

I don't really think I'm a mug, DH goes out maybe 3 times a year, I used to go out about once a month with the girls (not drinking to the extent the boys do but a couple of cocktails and a glass of wine) we've always picked each other up. I understand that life has changed now and if it was winter and DD older neither of us will be picking each other up but I don't think it would have done any harm to have taken her out last night, it's not exactly cold out and DD is young enough to sleep through being put in the car/taken out of the car.

Anyway, I'll be waking him up soon as Dad duties will need to commence so it's going to suck to be him today as I know he'll have the worst hangover 😂 I expect he'll say sorry for being a drunk fool and not sticking to our arrangement and it'll all be fine.

Some seriously mean judgemental people on here at times. Especially at the weekends for some reason.

Daisymae55 · 20/08/2023 09:42

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 00:14

@ReadingSoManyThreads it's not helpful. I didn't post asking for advice on my DD. It's not just unhelpful, it's also not true. I know older babies can sadly die from SIDS but what do you suggest I do? Wake her every 3 hours when she wants to sleep? Be a nervous wreck? Sit by her cot all night?

Hi OP! I remember a day before my DDs 6 week check I panicked because she slept 12-6 without waking for a feed and I’d obviously slept through as I was exhausted. I asked the HV doing her check if I should wake her and she said “she’s feeding well, she’s putting on weight, let her sleep she’s absolutely safe”.

please ignore all the very unhelpful comments that aren’t relevant to your post!

Spareus · 20/08/2023 09:43

Ah that’s a good pal you have @jammydodgers0 ignore the nonsense about your baby - sounds like you have a pretty well balanced set up, better than mine at 12weeks in! Xx

pictoosh · 20/08/2023 09:44

Remember OP on mumsnet, as soon as you fall pregnant and/or have a baby, the man in your life must forfeit any interests, friends or hobbies he has to become your servant. He can go to work but that's all.

DiaNaranja · 20/08/2023 09:52

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:30

Thanks everyone.

We've always given each other lifts if the other is drinking, he's come out (pre having baby) to pick me up from a girls night lots of times without a complaint so I always offer on the rare occasion he does go out.

He's been online as his WhatsApp says last seen and it was after we spoke on the phone so I take it he doesn't want to reply to me so I'll feed our baby now and go to bed.

But you have a baby now, so giving eachother lifts late at night isn't feasible anymore. Baby needs a consistent evening routine, not to be bundled in a car to pick up an inebriated parent during the early hours. You both will have to make alternative arrangements for nights out and ways home now you're parents. It's very rude of your husband to not be replying and giving you a basic straightforward answer, knowing you were waiting up for him. I'd be having stern words with him about his lack of communication, and immature behaviour. Remind him he is a father now, and that responsibility should come above and beyond anything else.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 20/08/2023 09:52

Sorry you’ve had some mean replies on here.

He’s absolutely fine to go out drinking.

The only annoying thing was you having to pick him up and he should have let you know that he’s staying out later and will get a lift off someone else.
But it’s hardly the crime of the century.

I am shocked (and jealous) that your baby sleeps so well but babies know when they’re hungry and will wake up for a feed when needed.
If your baby is losing weight then the HV would recognise it and give you advice but even then I’d doubt they’d tell you to wake them up in the night.

You’ve not done anything wrong and your DH hasn’t done anything wrong in the grand scheme of things.

NowItsSpring · 20/08/2023 09:53

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What nonsense!

Ariela · 20/08/2023 09:58

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Nothing, and I mean nothing would have woken our eldest who slept through most nights from 6 weeks, certainly all from 3 months, from about 10pm to 5/6am. WE had the lights on and built wardrobes around her, all sorts, she chose not to wake (and to sleep very little through the day) Even now as an adult, nothing wakes her till it's morning. I don't think what you're saying is strictly true for all babies.

redlightgreen · 20/08/2023 10:01

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 23:27

you're not his mum, that is all I have to say

This 👆🏻 leave him alone to enjoy his night

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:05

He's not a great dad is he as he's happy enough for his daughter to be having to be driven about at midnight to collect him!

Oxborn · 20/08/2023 10:07

Tbh I’m going to put my neck out here i think your relationship with your husband is great he’s gone out got drunk had fun and your not acting like some of the maniacs on here, hope you have a girly night booked in soon so you can have fun, hope is hangover isn’t to bad hahaha 🤣

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 20/08/2023 10:16

I’m glad all’s well, OP. You and your husband both sound very sensible.

Original poster
jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 10:17

Thanks to all the well balanced sensible people for your replies. I was annoyed that he didn't stick to the plan and didn't message me back to let me know what was happening but it's not grounds for a divorce.

Like I said he goes out about 3 times a year (heavy drinking) he doesn't make a habit out of it and he's up now and showered and looking after DD whilst I've come out for a nice peaceful dog walk, just me and the pup. He apologised for not messaging or calling to let me know, apology accepted and we move on.

I know that we now have a baby and life has changed, I haven't been out to drink since I found out I was pregnant but we are not chained to each other, he's a great dad and a great husband (except when he's drunk clearly 😂) and I know I could turn around tomorrow and say "I'm going I it for dinner and cocktails with the girls Friday night" and he would offer to come and pick me up.

As I said, if it was winter, and when DD is older, picking each other up late at night won't be happening.

We have a great relationship and it's healthy to have time with friends, we also go out with friends as a couple sometimes.

Anyway, I'm hoping she's done a big stinky for him by the time I've got back 😂

OP posts:
dhilez · 20/08/2023 10:19

Enjoy your walk, great to see a balanced attitude!

The attitude towards men and the instant LTB responses to these types of threads are incredibly tiresome and ridiculous.

Original poster
jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 10:21

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:05

He's not a great dad is he as he's happy enough for his daughter to be having to be driven about at midnight to collect him!

He's not a great dad because on one occasion he was okay with our 12 week old baby being put in the car and driven by their sober Mum on one occasion? Give over.

What if it was a family wedding? A 30th birthday party? Would you expect me or him to take our DD home and have her in bed by 8?

OP posts:
BlastedIce · 20/08/2023 10:23

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 10:17

Thanks to all the well balanced sensible people for your replies. I was annoyed that he didn't stick to the plan and didn't message me back to let me know what was happening but it's not grounds for a divorce.

Like I said he goes out about 3 times a year (heavy drinking) he doesn't make a habit out of it and he's up now and showered and looking after DD whilst I've come out for a nice peaceful dog walk, just me and the pup. He apologised for not messaging or calling to let me know, apology accepted and we move on.

I know that we now have a baby and life has changed, I haven't been out to drink since I found out I was pregnant but we are not chained to each other, he's a great dad and a great husband (except when he's drunk clearly 😂) and I know I could turn around tomorrow and say "I'm going I it for dinner and cocktails with the girls Friday night" and he would offer to come and pick me up.

As I said, if it was winter, and when DD is older, picking each other up late at night won't be happening.

We have a great relationship and it's healthy to have time with friends, we also go out with friends as a couple sometimes.

Anyway, I'm hoping she's done a big stinky for him by the time I've got back 😂

It’s so refreshing to have people with normal relationships, normal gripes and normal moving on!

Enjoy the rest of your day.

BlastedIce · 20/08/2023 10:24

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Checkcurtains · 20/08/2023 10:24

Gosh OP you are getting a very unnecessary and harsh pile on here.

You sound like you and your DH have a balanced and sensible relationship, life doesn't stop if you have children. Putting a baby in a car seat is perfectly fine - many have to do it to get baby to sleep anyway!

Going to pick up if it is reciprocated is also fine.

To answer your original question, you did the right thing, offered a lift, he didn't accept so you went to sleep.

desperatelyseekingnoone · 20/08/2023 10:25

defo put yourself and baby first.

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:29

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 10:21

He's not a great dad because on one occasion he was okay with our 12 week old baby being put in the car and driven by their sober Mum on one occasion? Give over.

What if it was a family wedding? A 30th birthday party? Would you expect me or him to take our DD home and have her in bed by 8?

Show quote history

I just think it's really inconsiderate.

But you're happy with it so that's OK.

Hopefully another time he'll let you know what's going on!

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:30

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😂😂😂

BlastedIce · 20/08/2023 10:31

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:29

I just think it's really inconsiderate.

But you're happy with it so that's OK.

Hopefully another time he'll let you know what's going on!

Show quote history

It may well be a bit inconsiderate, but your stating based on this one incident he’s not a good dad, is just bat shit crazy,

Again, no wonder the divorce rates are so high, if one incident makes a bad father.

BlastedIce · 20/08/2023 10:32

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:30

😂😂😂

Show quote history

I bet you don’t have many laughs I’m your relationship?

diddl · 20/08/2023 10:39

He's not a great dad because on one occasion...

Yes, sorry Op.

I was thinking it was a regular thing & of course you had offered!

I was getting too side tracked by him not being in contact & you thinking he would message at 1am.

Apologies.

Fallingthroughclouds · 20/08/2023 11:24

DiaNaranja · 20/08/2023 09:52

But you have a baby now, so giving eachother lifts late at night isn't feasible anymore. Baby needs a consistent evening routine, not to be bundled in a car to pick up an inebriated parent during the early hours. You both will have to make alternative arrangements for nights out and ways home now you're parents. It's very rude of your husband to not be replying and giving you a basic straightforward answer, knowing you were waiting up for him. I'd be having stern words with him about his lack of communication, and immature behaviour. Remind him he is a father now, and that responsibility should come above and beyond anything else.

Show quote history

@DiaNaranja wow you're strict. He's a father, but also human. Being confined to your rules and sterness would surely drive any man or woman insane. Baby would be absolutely fine on the very rare occasion this happened. I think it's lovely they support each others nights out. It might not be textbook, but no parent is that.