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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH gone out with friends...

252 replies

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:20

DH and I have a 12 week old baby.

He's a great Dad and great Husband but very annoying when he's drunk (maybe twice a year). He's gone out tonight with his friends, I dropped him and 2 of his friends off in town 30 minutes from where we live to meet other friends at 6pm.

He told me he wasn't drinking much tonight and I said I'd pick him up but I'm not picking him up any later than midnight because our baby has her last feed around 11:30 then goes down for the night. I thought I can give her the last feed, put her in the car, pick him up and get home to put her in the cot and get into bed myself by 12:30.

He said that's great and he'd text me to confirm at 8ish. Hadn't heard anything by 10 so I text him to ask him if I'm picking him up at 12, no reply by half 10 so I called him and he said "hmm not sure" he sounds drunk but said he'd read my text and message back. It's now 23:12 and I've heard nothing, my WhatsApp messages haven't got the blue ticks so he hasn't even opened my message.

I'm really annoyed because it's getting to the time of DD's last feed until 6am and I want to know whether to just go to bed after, I'm tired.

The last train back to our town is at 11:50 so he won't be getting on that as he clearly isn't ready to come home yet and taxis here are extortionate, would be around £75 to get home.

I know what's going to happen, he'll call me around 1am asking me to pick him up but I'm not taking our baby out of her cot when she's properly settled to go and do an hour round trip.

I don't want to call him again as don't want to be the "nagging wife" but I just think it's selfish. If I don't pick him up, he'd be able to sleep at one of his friends who lives in that town but I don't think that's fair because he was coming home.

Do I call? Or just text and say if he wants to come home he needs to let me know by 11:45 otherwise I'm not coming out and just leave it there?

OP posts:
Mtlso · 21/08/2023 19:52

You poor thing. This is the last thing you need. I’d be bolting the doors so he can’t even get in the house. He’s disrespected you and most importantly put his wellbeing above you and your new born baby’s. I used to say to my DH that if he wasn’t in by 12, the doors were getting bolted. He’d come flying through the door at 11.50! You can’t let him manipulate and control you like this. He sounds so inconsiderate.

Newmum110 · 21/08/2023 20:03

OP @jammydodgers0 don't listen to the crazies on this thread. Nothing wrong with letting your baby sleep & equally nothing wrong with picking up your DH.

Livelovebehappy · 21/08/2023 20:17

Newmum110 · 21/08/2023 20:03

OP @jammydodgers0 don't listen to the crazies on this thread. Nothing wrong with letting your baby sleep & equally nothing wrong with picking up your DH.

100% agree with this. Good that you stood your ground with the some of the unhinged crowd on here. All babies are different. Mine slept through from midnight to 7 from three months old. If babies aren’t happy, they cry. And i’m pretty sure the baby won’t be damaged in any way by being popped in the car late at night to car to pick your dh up. Anyone suggesting otherwise is clearly mad as a box of frogs……..

Ellejay67 · 21/08/2023 20:17

What happened?

tuesday2am · 21/08/2023 20:19

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Brefugee · 21/08/2023 20:23

jammydodgers0 · 20/08/2023 08:51

His friend who lives 15 minutes from us called his girlfriend to pick them up (no kids) and she dropped him home, I woke up to a text from her saying "all the boys are a right state, I dropped him home and he made me take a tenner but I'll give it back to you when I see you" of course I won't be taking the £10 off of her, she done him a massive favour and saved them a lot of money on a cab.

congratulations on your baby, OP.
And well done to the girlfriend - it sounds as though you have good friends. Don't worry about the eedjits in this thread, i think it makes them feel wonderful putting the boot in and making new mums anxious.

Mari9999 · 21/08/2023 20:27

,@jammydodgers0
Of course you should pick him up , but now that you are parents, you should both have a Plan B for these occasional nights out.

Travis1 · 21/08/2023 20:35

The hyperbole on this thread is wild 🤣

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 20:42

Mtlso · 21/08/2023 19:52

You poor thing. This is the last thing you need. I’d be bolting the doors so he can’t even get in the house. He’s disrespected you and most importantly put his wellbeing above you and your new born baby’s. I used to say to my DH that if he wasn’t in by 12, the doors were getting bolted. He’d come flying through the door at 11.50! You can’t let him manipulate and control you like this. He sounds so inconsiderate.

@Mtlso

why on earth would you lock your husband out if he came home after 12?!

would you like it if he did that to you when you’ve been out with your mates?

Llian13 · 21/08/2023 20:42

Ditto to all above. I wouldn’t even text him again. Settle baby and get yourself to bed. Switch off your phone. He’s big enough to get drunk, he’s big enough to find his own way home. Sleep well 😴

BlastedIce · 21/08/2023 20:53

Llian13 · 21/08/2023 20:42

Ditto to all above. I wouldn’t even text him again. Settle baby and get yourself to bed. Switch off your phone. He’s big enough to get drunk, he’s big enough to find his own way home. Sleep well 😴

If you’re big enough to comment on a post, you’re big enough to see when the post started and see the OOs updates.

I think perhaps OP has been to bed a few nights since this started!

😂

BlastedIce · 21/08/2023 20:55

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ThisMama1 · 21/08/2023 21:06

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BlastedIce · 21/08/2023 21:07

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And hopefully he will soon LTB!!

Just imagine being married to that!

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2023 21:09

Jillybloop393 · 21/08/2023 18:48

I'd do this, I think it's fair.
Incidentally, can anyone tell me what I click on so that I see all the posts made by the original poster, please?

Show quote history

Bottom right of the OP's posts, See Next or See All.

Have you got them in another colour as well?

GlasgowGal82 · 21/08/2023 21:10

jammydodgers0 · 19/08/2023 23:30

Thanks everyone.

We've always given each other lifts if the other is drinking, he's come out (pre having baby) to pick me up from a girls night lots of times without a complaint so I always offer on the rare occasion he does go out.

He's been online as his WhatsApp says last seen and it was after we spoke on the phone so I take it he doesn't want to reply to me so I'll feed our baby now and go to bed.

We always gave each other lifts home pre-kids too, but once you've got kids it is just isn't practical anymore. You may be able to lift a 12 week old baby in and out of the car in the middle of the night, but you can't really do that with older kids. And at that age, you should really be prioritising getting sleep when you can rather than going on an hour's drive to pick up your OK!

rwalker · 21/08/2023 21:19

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BlastedIce · 21/08/2023 21:20

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Exasperatednow · 21/08/2023 21:22

Either people are just weird now or mumsnet is full of trolls.

Op just ignore them. Normal relationships that last make room for getting over annoyances and making it work.

Exasperatednow · 21/08/2023 21:23

Mtlso · 21/08/2023 19:52

You poor thing. This is the last thing you need. I’d be bolting the doors so he can’t even get in the house. He’s disrespected you and most importantly put his wellbeing above you and your new born baby’s. I used to say to my DH that if he wasn’t in by 12, the doors were getting bolted. He’d come flying through the door at 11.50! You can’t let him manipulate and control you like this. He sounds so inconsiderate.

So you are your husband's mother?

zombie0037 · 21/08/2023 21:25

Museya15 · 20/08/2023 06:32

Any man that would expect you to pick him up is a knob, unless its you that has suggested it in which you are at fault.

Would you expected to be pick up by your husband, if you went out.

Mtlso · 21/08/2023 21:29

He’d get himself into trouble and had been a victim in a knife attack and he has huge scarring across his face. I’d just had a baby and he was out doing coke and getting back and waking me and the baby at 3/4/5am, sometimes not coming home for days. He went to AA and he’s on the right track now. All the comments are so judgemental on here, not knowing the context and the hell I went through… not realising I was advised to do that by the group meetings I had with the families of AA and CA.

Cardboardcup · 21/08/2023 21:31

I’m glad he got home safely. You’re right mumsnet can be a toxic place and sometimes not the place to ask for advice. He’s not a deadbeat who is out every weekend so I can’t see the issue. Babies at that age don’t know it’s midnight. You’re doing nothing wrong letting her sleep. I’ve had 3 babies, the first two that woke up every few hours for a feed day and night for months and months, my youngest who slept through from early on. All babies are different.

BlastedIce · 21/08/2023 21:33

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Mtlso · 21/08/2023 21:36

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Adding to this, I’d get police knocking at the door and he’d be in cells overnight. He went from a a wonderful amazing husband to dispersing for days on end. He’d get himself into trouble and had been a victim in a knife attack and he has huge scarring across his face. I’d just had a baby and he was out doing coke and getting back and waking me and the baby (and our 7 year old) at 3/4/5am, sometimes not coming home for days. He went to AA and he’s on the right track now. All the comments are so judgemental on here, not knowing the context and the hell I went through… not realising I was advised to do that by social services and the group meetings I had with the families of AA and CA. I think if he’d carried on down that road, he wouldn’t be here now. He was doing coke before work. Social services wanted to move me and the kids away from there and we did for a while and then he really went downhill. Luckily he’s in a different place now. Shameful that so many of you make a judgement without knowing the entire story. Shame on you. Addiction is an awful illness and affects everyone in the family.