Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Your dh is being a stubborn arse who needs to accept the realities of a blended family. You can't force extended family on a child

My parents used to live hours away, so they needed DSS's bedroom to sleep in when they came over. So it was simply never arranged for the same time

This is circumstantial though. Theoretically, step child still exists.

I can't get over your horrid parents not getting them a gift at a joint birthday celebration. How mean! And yes your family are being unreasonable!

Your biological child is a flower girl and your step daughter isn’t even invited? Wow.

Even if your sister and her partner had never met your step child I would personally still think it was shitty behaviour to not invite them to their wedding unless it was a very, very intimate set up. Obviously they’re entitled to invite whoever they like, but your husband is also entitled to decline the invitation.

Your family are making their feelings quite clear.

I too have been to many different weddings from many walks of life - probably 25-30 weddings over 30 years but never to one where spouses and partners of family / friends weren't invited unless they too were all close friends. However I have never been to a wedding with less than 25 people. At the smallest wedding I went to (my cousin), another cousin's husband was still invited even though he wasn't good friends with the bride or groom. Maybe it is generational to invite spouses and partners of family and close friends. A hobby or activity group to me is different than family and close friends. I wouldn't necessarily see inviting all those spouses but I would invite an uncle or cousins's husband or best friend's husband even if they weren't my bossom buddies.

He shouldn't go. Your DH is absolutely right . I cannot believe your family don't buy your step child even something small for their birthday.

I hope you treat her better

This is circumstantial though. Theoretically, step child still exists.

What does that mean? Yes they exist, it is still common and reasonable for them not to have met their step mother's wider family.

So your parent don't treat her as a grandchild

Tho you've been with dad /married 8yrs so she has been in your life since she was 4/5yrs if now early secondary 11/12 and they have never brought her a pressie for her birthday

That's crap of them

As an SC and S-Aunt the thing that bothers me most is the present thing for a birthday. It sends out clear signals about pecking order and is deeply hurtful. When my SN &N joined our family they were part of it to all of us except the parents in law. It was hurtful, awkward and deeply unkind. I was always thankful for my lovely SM.

@panko

they aren’t trying to “force extended family on a child”

they are asking the extended family to accept the child

wow you have been married for 8 years and your family treat your sc like an invisible person ?? if they are going to sc you must have got married when they were quiet young so have been in their lives for most of it. I really hope that you don't treat them as an invisible person? they are your children's blood. if yoi can't see how wrong what is happening here then you need to take a good long hard look at your family

It doesn't work like that though. It needs time.

So so unpleasant. My mil buys presents for my nieces and nephews if she is around them at Christmas or birthdays and ditto my parents for dh's extended family. After 8 years, excluding a pre teen just seems incredibly unkind.

I’m with your DH.

It would be different if you’d not been together long but you have a child together and the stepchild is very much part of the family.

I don’t understand why DH is invited but the stepchild isn’t?
DH isn’t a blood relative and so her excuse can’t be that only biological family are invited.

If you don’t want a rift in the family I would speak to your sister and ask if stepchild can be invited and explain how upset DH is and if she agrees I would say that she only didn’t invite him because she knew he didn’t have him that weekend but he’s more than welcome to come (it would be better coming from the sister obviously).

You take a harsh stance I have noticed @aSofaNearYou

It may be that they don't have much contact but they are still part of the family.

Well your husband isn’t a blood relation either so why would he go? I presume you’re enabling this shitty treatment by not calling it out? When you get married your new husband and his children become part of your family. It sounds like your family are repeatedly intentionally excluding this kid. Who turns up to any child’s birthday celebration without some sort of token gift!

Eight years is a long time for your family to remain so stand-offish with your stepchild isn't it? I'm with your DH, I think he's right not to go. It's hard to know how you go forward from here. It surely will affect your relationship if you go to the wedding?

I can imagine what everyone would say and does say if the shoe were on the other foot. I agree with your husband.

You married him, his daughter came as part of the package. You are a family of 4. This poor child has never been accepted into the family. And 8 years in ? There should have been more efforts made here surely

*You take a harsh stance I have noticed @aSofaNearYou

It may be that they don't have much contact but they are still part of the family.*

No, I don't, they just don't know each other. My DSS doesn't consider them family and neither do they. This is not a source of upset for anyone. None of them need telling by strangers that they are part of each others family when they aren't and that is fine. DSS has a strong relationship with his mum's side of the family and feels no need for a third family he never sees.

Really , it’s not normal to turn up at Christmas, or birthday and give to one child and not the other m. Shame on them.

Your DH is being 100% reasonable and he’s right. DP’s daughter is invited to everything because she’s part of him. There’s an open invitation to her for all family events we go to and my family wouldn’t dream of not asking her, as soon as he became part of the family his daughter was too. Up to her if she wants to come or not but I could never in good conscience not invite her or expect her not to be invited to any of my family events. Not even a consideration

Your stepchild is part of your family, and they obvs have a relationship with your parents. But the child isn't part of your sister's family and there is no reason for her to invite the child if she doesn't want to. Your husband can do what he likes, as can your sister and parents. You chose to have this child in your life, they didn't.

It would certainly affect my relationship if my DH expected me not to go to my sisters wedding over this!

I find the responses to threads like this so dramatic. In reality will a secondary aged child give a shiny shit about attending the wedding of their step mothers sister they barely know to the guy they've never met? They aren't even meant to be there that weekend. My step kids would have faces like they'd been chewing a wasp all day if we dragged them away from their mums one weekend to go to a wedding, especially one for someone they didn't even know.

And all the replies of 'don't you consider them your family' faux shock and horror. Honestly? No I don't. My immediate family as in me, my children, DH and stepkids yes absolutely but my wider family? No not really. Most of them have barely met them before so I can't say I'd be surprised if they didn't particularly care for them to attend their wedding in the future (nor would my step kids care).

It just seems so silly to me. I don't expect my wider family to really give my step kids much of a thought tbh, aside from being polite and kind if they ever are together. I certainly don't expect them to see them as family, nor would I refuse to attend their weddings if they didn't invite them. I went to a wedding the other week where my husband wasn't invited, no spouses were because of numbers. I didn't throw a tantrum and refuse to attend, it's all so dramatic.