Page 8 | Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 2023-08-19T13:04:56+00:00

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful. Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary. Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid. My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother. So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids. My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum. My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past. My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

RedDedRedemption · 19/08/2023 15:24

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 15:18

Out of interest, would your parents come to a joint birthday party for your joint child and stepchild without a gift for each child? If they spent Christmas with you and DSS was there, would they give him a gift?

No they wouldn't, they would get him a gift, and provided it was billed to them as a joint birthday party so they were aware that was the intention, this is the only part I disagree with them on. But it doesn't make the wedding thing unreasonable.

Also - I think the tone of this thread is different precisely because it isn't in the stepparent forum. There are lots of people posting here who do in fact have experience of these relationships, but from the stepchild's perspective, or the natural parent's, or the extended family's - and some voices from outside the situation who give an impression of how society at large might view things. That's not a bad thing. Those voices have equal weight here in a way they wouldn't on the stepparent forum. - and OP isn't a stepmother seeking likeminded support. I would assume she wanted a broader range of opinions.

Yes, there is value in those opinions, but when you've been in a situation like OPs, you realise how wildly unrealistic most of them are. All of this "you are one unit" does not reflect the reality of having a SC that comes over EOW or less. Most of your time is spent without them, going about your life continuing relationships they aren't involved in, and most of their time is spent without you, with other people, doing the same. Everyone is used to that.

Yes, I think people are getting too hung up on the status of 'SC'. The status is meaningless.
A step-child that visits the NRP occasionally is very different from one that's there at least 50% of the time, integrated into family life.

had it been the latter It would be a clear 'she should be invited' but we don't have that info.

As PP have pointed out the 'D' H seems to be racing to make up for lost time. He's not wrong to want to opt out. But neither is the OP's sister.

SchoolBlazers · 19/08/2023 15:24

These threads are so so common. It's as if everyone expects to create blended families without any stress whatsoever, even when you have a situation where A+B have a child together, split up, A meets C who already has children with " and they have children together, B meets D who has children with F and they have more together - you create this massive enmeshed network of half siblings and step siblings and grandparents who are related to some children and not the others, some relationships are going to be closer than others even within non-blended family situations.

Enfys1982 · 19/08/2023 15:24

I can’t believe they didn’t even bother to buy your SD a birthday present. That’s just plain fucking rude. You don’t turn up to someone’s birthday meal without present, they sound very weird quite frankly. I know some amazing step grandparents. How hard can it be to a bit more welcoming.

Onegreenbean · 19/08/2023 15:26

Yikes. Your poor DH and stepchild.

I'm with your DH on this one. How could you possibly think it acceptable to exclude them?

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 15:26

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 15:18

Out of interest, would your parents come to a joint birthday party for your joint child and stepchild without a gift for each child? If they spent Christmas with you and DSS was there, would they give him a gift?

No they wouldn't, they would get him a gift, and provided it was billed to them as a joint birthday party so they were aware that was the intention, this is the only part I disagree with them on. But it doesn't make the wedding thing unreasonable.

Also - I think the tone of this thread is different precisely because it isn't in the stepparent forum. There are lots of people posting here who do in fact have experience of these relationships, but from the stepchild's perspective, or the natural parent's, or the extended family's - and some voices from outside the situation who give an impression of how society at large might view things. That's not a bad thing. Those voices have equal weight here in a way they wouldn't on the stepparent forum. - and OP isn't a stepmother seeking likeminded support. I would assume she wanted a broader range of opinions.

Yes, there is value in those opinions, but when you've been in a situation like OPs, you realise how wildly unrealistic most of them are. All of this "you are one unit" does not reflect the reality of having a SC that comes over EOW or less. Most of your time is spent without them, going about your life continuing relationships they aren't involved in, and most of their time is spent without you, with other people, doing the same. Everyone is used to that.

I think you make good points there, people probably don't appreciate the nuances of families where not everything is shared, and people react viscerally to the idea of a child being slighted, where in some blended families the expectations are just different from the outset and nobody is necessarily getting hurt by that.

In this case, I think it would be understandable that the sister didn't think to include the stepchild she rarely sees - but the doubling down and refusing to budge when upset is clearly being caused suggests a more pointed kind of exclusion. And the parents' disgraceful behaviour over the presents does appear to support that interpretation imo.

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 15:26

RedDedRedemption · 19/08/2023 15:09

It's the correct post. We personally know every single one of our guests. Same principle for my other friends who had similar sized weddings.
Most people were invited in groups 'e.g. members of a hobby group' and the few that weren't I was honest with. I told them I had limited space and would understand if they didn't want to come alone. Surprise surprise, all of them accepted!

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I would also say it is unusual to be close friends with all family / friends spouses but I guess if you have a small family and insular group of friends it can happen. I haven't been to weddings where family / friend spouses and partners weren't invited unless they too were close friends. As I said in my original post, I can see that for a very small wedding. There was a recent post by a woman who wasn't invited to her BILs wedding because it was immediate family only and limited to less than 10 people. Responses were mixed.

I am very close to some of my cousins but don't know their spouses nearly as well, same with many of my friends. I am also not close firends with all my husbands friends and family and their spouses. Personally I would feel odd not inviting husbands and wives of family and close friends and would do a cheaper/more casual wedding in order to be able to afford a few more people.

MrsMiddleMother · 19/08/2023 15:27

I think your dh is bu. Especially considering it wouldnt be his usual weekend. My stepchildren weren't invited to my brothers wedding, he barely knew them and it didn't offend my dh or me, my child was invited although we decided not to bring him so we could enjoy the wedding ourselves, not to make it 'fair'.

MN is always saying how it's your wedding, invite who YOU like, unless it's to do with stepparents and children then you're always in the wrong.

yogasaurus · 19/08/2023 15:28

Yes, there is value in those opinions, but when you've been in a situation like OPs, you realise how wildly unrealistic most of them are. All of this "you are one unit" does not reflect the reality of having a SC that comes over EOW or less. Most of your time is spent without them, going about your life continuing relationships they aren't involved in, and most of their time is spent without you, with other people, doing the same. Everyone is used to that.

This.

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 15:28

I have never been to a wedding in a step parents family... wouldn't want to, I don't know them.

Step-mother is my family through relationship, her family is NOT my family.

Does your child get invited to weddings in step child's mothers family?

jays · 19/08/2023 15:29

I’m with your dh 100%

2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2023 15:29

I’m team husband here. Your stepchild came as a package with dh, I would be upset if I had a stepchild who wasn’t accepted even after all this time as part of the family.

You say your family hardly know your stepchild , how can that happen when you have been together and married for 8years?

im sure if the boot was on the other foot and you had a child who wasn’t accepted by your in-laws, you’d be furious too.

well done to your dh for sticking up for his child.

Rainbowsandrainclouds1 · 19/08/2023 15:29

I find your families attitude to your SD bizarre.

My fiance has a step nephew. I couldnt imagine a situation where he is treated by our family any differently to his siblings and cousins.

Im getting married next year and it never even occured to me that he wouldnt be invited.

He has similarly been part of the fanily since he was very young.

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 15:30

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 15:28

I have never been to a wedding in a step parents family... wouldn't want to, I don't know them.

Step-mother is my family through relationship, her family is NOT my family.

Does your child get invited to weddings in step child's mothers family?

And there I rest my case. Straight from a stepchild.

RedToothBrush · 19/08/2023 15:30

You husband is putting his child first. HIS family are you, your child, his child and him. One of his family have been deliberately excluded.

He's right.

Your step child is either your family or they aren't. What are you going to tell your step child and your husband if you say they aren't part of your family?

You should stand by him.

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 15:34

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 15:28

I have never been to a wedding in a step parents family... wouldn't want to, I don't know them.

Step-mother is my family through relationship, her family is NOT my family.

Does your child get invited to weddings in step child's mothers family?

All inlaws are family through relationship only. That isn't a typical line to draw for invitations.

And OP isn't married or living with her husband's ex. The exes family aren't her family but her husband and his children are. Apples and oranges.

WB205020 · 19/08/2023 15:35

You DD is invited and part of the bridal party. Their sibling has not been invited at all. Disgraceful. I would consider going at all in your position. Your family has taken an active approach to purposefully exclude your step child. I feel very sorry for them and your DH. A difficult position for him to be in.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 15:36

*Yes, I think people are getting too hung up on the status of 'SC'. The status is meaningless.
A step-child that visits the NRP occasionally is very different from one that's there at least 50% of the time, integrated into family life.

had it been the latter It would be a clear 'she should be invited' but we don't have that info.*

Exactly. It is very different and a lot of people don't seem to get that.

Asmrmebaby · 19/08/2023 15:38

I think it's up to your sister if she wants to invite the stepchild. What is your relationship with the stepchild? I honestly think this is relevant because if you don't consider them part of your family then the rest of your family won't either. It's also your husband's prerogative not to go if he's offended by that but then again it's weird if the child isn't worth you that weekend anwyay and your husband shouldn't be making it about him. It's your sister's wedding so he shouldn't be causing a fuss IMHO.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 15:39

2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2023 15:29

I’m team husband here. Your stepchild came as a package with dh, I would be upset if I had a stepchild who wasn’t accepted even after all this time as part of the family.

You say your family hardly know your stepchild , how can that happen when you have been together and married for 8years?

im sure if the boot was on the other foot and you had a child who wasn’t accepted by your in-laws, you’d be furious too.

well done to your dh for sticking up for his child.

How it happens is easy - when they come over rarely you don't tend to choose to visit step mum's family at that time. If anything, you'd visit their paternal grandparents who they presumably don't get to see often.

My parents used to live hours away, so they needed DSS's bedroom to sleep in when they came over. So it was simply never arranged for the same time.

ididntwanttodoit · 19/08/2023 15:41

it's their wedding, they can invite whoever they like. They don't even know SC. Your DH is being petty.

RedDedRedemption · 19/08/2023 15:42

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 15:26

I would also say it is unusual to be close friends with all family / friends spouses but I guess if you have a small family and insular group of friends it can happen. I haven't been to weddings where family / friend spouses and partners weren't invited unless they too were close friends. As I said in my original post, I can see that for a very small wedding. There was a recent post by a woman who wasn't invited to her BILs wedding because it was immediate family only and limited to less than 10 people. Responses were mixed.

I am very close to some of my cousins but don't know their spouses nearly as well, same with many of my friends. I am also not close firends with all my husbands friends and family and their spouses. Personally I would feel odd not inviting husbands and wives of family and close friends and would do a cheaper/more casual wedding in order to be able to afford a few more people.

Show quote history

Maybe it's a generational/social circle thing.

For each friend 'group' we have been to many events, even longer than my wedding, without the spouses. Why should they suddenly receive an invite just because it's a 'wedding', as opposed to a gaming convention? In fact it suits them better. The spouses stay at home with the kids, they get a present as a group (saves them money), those that need to travel stay at the nearby ones' houses. Lugging their spouses and kids along, paying for hotel etc would cost them far more with less enjoyment.
The few friends who don't know anybody, again are happy to make new friends. Having just moved here the sort of people I meet are more sociable than your standard issue, erm, non-door-opening MNner.

My MIL would think like you, but she lives where she grew up and all her 'wedding's as I've posted have been in churches or farms. And people call in favours for everything.... nobody pays full price!

A cheap/casual wedding also isn't always an option. Catering/drinks are not only the most expensive part of a wedding, but the sort of people who care about their spouses being invited also probably care about being fed properly and will not be happy with cheap dining options after having spent 'all that money'. Can't always win, really.

This post isn't about weddings but these days I never assume what a certain wedding is going to be like. But I have friends from all walks of life, with all sorts of different weddings. I understand not all people have that experience.

LynetteScavo · 19/08/2023 15:43

I'm with your DH.
Of course you DSis doesn't have to invite your step child. But your DH doesn't have to attend the wedding.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 15:45

@Greensleeves
I think you make good points there, people probably don't appreciate the nuances of families where not everything is shared, and people react viscerally to the idea of a child being slighted, where in some blended families the expectations are just different from the outset and nobody is necessarily getting hurt by that.

Thankyou for the balanced response and for being able to understand that discussing these nuances is not always underpinned by some maniacal hatred of step children.

In this case, I think it would be understandable that the sister didn't think to include the stepchild she rarely sees - but the doubling down and refusing to budge when upset is clearly being caused suggests a more pointed kind of exclusion. And the parents' disgraceful behaviour over the presents does appear to support that interpretation imo.

Yes I do agree that it could be more pointed, especially if the lack of presents was deliberate and not a misunderstanding. But then again, the refusal to budge could be about cost or the numbers already being confirmed and unchangeable. It could be either really.

LynetteScavo · 19/08/2023 15:46

Inviting your sisters step child to your wedding is one way families bond together. It would be nice for the older sister to see her younger sister taking part in the wedding and meet your new BIL.

blubberyboo · 19/08/2023 15:46

I don’t understand your sisters reply

she won’t invite them as they could be with mother!

what does that even mean? Your DH has already said his ex would be agreeable. Why does your sister think it appropriate to overrule both parents of the child?

I think YABU for not insisting this child is included. It is your step child and you should put your foot down even if it means paying for their meal.

If she won’t and your DH decides not to go , nobody could blame him