Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Perfectly normal to go to a birthday celebration for 2 people’s birthday and only take a gift for one though?

As a stepchild I totally side with your DH here. It's never a child's fault that they are a'step' and parents splitting up has a huge enough impact without needing to feel like you're on the D list at family events.

The adults in this scenario need to focus on making all the children feel equally loved and welcome. Excluding a child is just mean and unnecessary.

They may follow OP or their dad who may have posted a pic all dressed up.

I feel sorry for your step child being treated like this by your family.... and you. Your DH has every right to be pissed

The adults in this scenario need to focus on making all the children feel equally loved and welcome. Excluding a child is just mean and unnecessary

Well surely the focus should actually be on the bride and groom and who they wish to invite to their day? The child in question won't even be there. They aren't being left home alone at dad's with bread and water whilst the rest of the family go to the wedding. They will be with their mother, living life in their other home. It's totally unnecessary to insist they come.

This is actually so sad and reading other step parents agreeing with the sister! 😲Me and my sister were so so lucky to have such a loving step dad and his lovely family. We were never made to feel like outsider's when we joined their family at 8 and 9. I'm 31 now and he and my mum broke up last year and we still see each other just as much as before. I'm due our first child in November and he can't wait to be a grandad to them.

I just don't understand how anyone can get involved with someone who has young kids and not treat them as their own or at the very least treat them fairly to their other kids! After 8 years that's so sad for that child and going into their teenage years they will notice all this alot more.

And?

I have teen DSS's. I would bet my entire house that neither of them would give a single hoot if they saw a picture of us dressed up to attend my wider families wedding on a weekend they were at their mother's. They'd be thankful they'd been spared having to attend more than anything else.

Even if you were attending a meal celebrating their birthday? That’s just weird, mean and pretty hateful.

I just don't understand how anyone can get involved with someone who has young kids and not treat them as their own or at the very least treat them fairly to their other kids! After 8 years that's so sad for that child and going into their teenage years they will notice all this alot more

It's not OPs wedding, it's her sisters. And her sister isn't obliged to treat kids she barely knows "as her own".

So what happening the week before the wedding (why aren’t you with husband?) and where are you going with cousins and your kids after the wedding?

Totally agree with this post.
My DS would not be remotely interested in attending his stepmother's sister's wedding as he has barely met her.
Same in my family. My step kids wouldn't be bothered and my DH wouldn't expect them to be invited.

I would say though that I probably would buy the other child a gift if I was attending a meal that was intended to celebrate both birthdays.

But the wedding thing is so OTT and dramatic imo.

I was shocked at this too.

You'll notice these comments are almost always from SC with step dad's, who they very likely lived with at the very least half of the time, probably more, rather than SC with step mum's who they saw EOW or less. That's understandable - in your situation it would be odd if you weren't pretty much totally integrated. But this is very different to that.

When it was our wedding we invited BIL's step son as he's part of the family, it would have been really weird not to even though we didn't know him that well (we moved away). He was a teen at the time and would rather have done anything than spend the day at a boring family wedding, so he politely declined and went to his Dad's instead, which was fine.

Your Dsis is being unreasonable. It sounds like she doesn't fully accept your choice of husband, his child is part of your family after all, so she is snubbing you too.

What a mean family you have op.
You’re all sending a very clear message to your stepchild.

I’ve never heard of such crap behaviour towards a child.

Get a grip, and tell your Sister and parents that they are part of your family. Ffs.

Your Dh is 100% right.

I’m with your DH - it’s crap behaviour. My DC ( my DH’s SC ) were included in everything where his family is concerned and our family include my DD’s SC ( my step GC) in everything too.

I call reverse on this one.

No, I don't, they just don't know each other. My DSS doesn't consider them family and neither do they. This is not a source of upset for anyone. None of them need telling by strangers that they are part of each others family when they aren't and that is fine. DSS has a strong relationship with his mum's side of the family and feels no need for a third family he never sees.

I think you are in deep denial @aSofaNearYou I suspect this will catch up with you at some point. I also feel you have been the main driver in your own situation.

You pop up on all step parenting threads with your dogmatic views on step children.

A happy family cannot ever sustain itself when there is so much division and separation.

It doesn’t really matter if your sister barely knows the child. Withholding an invite is unjustified.

your husband is sticking to his principles and I’m a bit surprised you didn’t decline the event as well.

@Youonlygetone I meant in general, including the birthday present thing,not specifically at a wedding. The stepchild should be seen as part of the op's family by her sister and parents just as much as any biological children. Therefore it should just be automatic to include them in any invites and doesn't have to take up any additional time for the bride and groom.

Your DH sounds like a lovely Dad for trying to ensure his child is considered. It matters not whether they are available to come or not, it's the principle here.

I was always treated differently by my Stepdad's family even though he always saw me as his own. 50 years later it still hurts if I remember specific incidences of not being invited to things.

What you just said was nonsensical.

In laws did not take on this child... My Aunts children do not know my brother in laws children. My aunt is my family, My BIL is DH family... the two have never crossed and wouldn't. IL are only IL to the person married in.

If the kids are siblings and must be treat as such the step childs mother most all accept OPs child. Why does step child get THREE families and Bio child doesn't.

Life just doesn't work like that. You don't get to demand someone else adopts a child they had zero say in because someone the share blood with is in a relationship with that childs dad.

OP is not the mother of this child, the child HAS a mother... if this was a full time adopted child its different but its NOT this is a child that has 2 parents and barely knows OPs family and has no reason too.

Your stepchild should be invited. How cruel not to buy a child a birthday present, that really is the lowest of the low.

From my perspective this is honestly just laughable. Not one person feels there is division or separation. They are just people who have really spared one another much thought, on either side. Everything has developed naturally because this is simply normal in a situation with this level of contact.

How on Earth can you claim to know that a family different to what you are used to "cannot sustain itself"? In this regard at least - to do with the relationship between my step child and my wider family - there is simply no drama at all, it is a complete non issue. How can you claim to know that is somehow going to implode?

The stepchild should be seen as part of the op's family by her sister and parents just as much as any biological children. Therefore it should just be automatic to include them in any invites and doesn't have to take up any additional time for the bride and groom

We'll agree to disagree.

My stepchildren don't see my wider family as their family and neither do they vice versa. There are members that they see more often than others who probably would invite them and there are members who they have met about twice in mine and DHs entire relationship and both parties would probably struggle to remember each others names if asked. No one, I am certain, (inc SCs) care. They have their own family with their mum and DHs family, they don't need mine as well to feel loved.

I am a stepchild too, with a great stepdad. I don't see him as my dad because I have one of those already who is a great father but I do enjoy having my stepdad in my life. I have met his mother less times than I could count on two hands and I'd be confused as anything if she suddenly started inviting me to weddings and events thrown by her and as a teen I'd find the idea of going boring as fuck. I am not traumatised because this random woman I barely know doesn't consider me her "bonus" grandchild. I have my own family.