Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Turning up with no gift for sc is awful behaviour. If this is about money then grandparents could pass on a gift to the parents in a way that stepchild's feelings are spared. I could not attend a joint birthday without a token gift for the child that I don't know and it's shockingly shameless not to be embarrassed to hand one child gifts but not the other.
I understand why your sister didn't invite your stepchild but I also understand why your h doesn't want to attend. He would clearly like stepchild to be a little more blended with your side of the family (hence the offer to pay for the holiday) Unfortunately sc is old enough to have social media and know that they weren't included even if they are an age where they'd never admit to wanting to be included. Your family have the right not to accept sc but that attitude will inevitably have an effect on how your h sees his position with your family too.

The unreasonablness is that you've been married for 8 years and you are this child's stepmother and she lives with you 50% of the time and yet your own sister "barely knows" the child and doesn't consider them family. That's pretty poor. But the damage is done and you are where you are. Your sister has bigger things on her mind now than building that relationship that should have started years ago, so probably isn't particularly unreasonable to not invite the child. Your DH is not being unreasonable to decline his invitation because its much more important to show his child that he stands with them, than it is to prop up your sister's guest list.

It’s still a random child to her!

This is not ok and I'm glad your DH refused to go. She's part of your family. Doesn't matter custody is not 50/50. This is not some random cousin, or even a newish boyfriend/partner's kid - this is your DH of 8 year's child and your stepchild.

If money was the issue then they could have explained and if you could afford to pay for her to go on holiday and I am sure you could have paid for her meal.

Given the not attending a meal as they didn't want to bring a present for a stepchild, sounds like your family have a problem with the child and they want to erase that part of your husband's history.

Don't make your husband pick sides between you and his child, not only is it's not fair, but he will definitely pick his child.

Your family sounds awful. Your parents would come to a joint siblings birthday party and only bring one child a gift? And you were happy with that and the child had to ask for them not to come? Just awful.

I think your family has been rather mean and I don’t blame your husband for taking the stance he has.

And that's fabulous, but it was 2 decades ago, yes? Not sure when you've last been involved in planning a wedding but you can't simply 'add people' these days. There are fire and insurance regulations and your entire contract will be cancelled. Staff keep a very close eye.

If it is there’s something badly wrong. That child has been part of her sister’s family for eight years.

This thread is making me more appreciative of both my family and my husband's extended family for opening up and including all the children we have between us. They wouldn't dream of leaving any out

Whose social media would they see this on, exactly if they don't know any members of OP's family and don't live in the area?

I simply cannot agree. As I have mentioned, there is a step child in my family, step niece to me (well on DH’s side) and I would still never ever refer to her as a “random child”, even though I barely know her.

*as in..,. their 'life' dance etc is with their DM rather than OP's DH

Your family cannot accept your sc after more than eight years They sound mean spirited especially since their half sister is a bm.

Posts like this make me even more grateful that my DH family treated my eldest child (his step daughter) EXACTLY like all the other DC, they are family.

my ex and I don’t always get along but even his family always send birthday and Christmas cards to my youngest who is unrelated to them aside from being related to our joint child.

i don’t blame your DH for declining, personally I’d be done with the lot of you for treating this child like an outsider.

Out of interest, would your parents come to a joint birthday party for your joint child and stepchild without a gift for each child? If they spent Christmas with you and DSS was there, would they give him a gift?

No they wouldn't, they would get him a gift, and provided it was billed to them as a joint birthday party so they were aware that was the intention, this is the only part I disagree with them on. But it doesn't make the wedding thing unreasonable.

Also - I think the tone of this thread is different precisely because it isn't in the stepparent forum. There are lots of people posting here who do in fact have experience of these relationships, but from the stepchild's perspective, or the natural parent's, or the extended family's - and some voices from outside the situation who give an impression of how society at large might view things. That's not a bad thing. Those voices have equal weight here in a way they wouldn't on the stepparent forum. - and OP isn't a stepmother seeking likeminded support. I would assume she wanted a broader range of opinions.

Yes, there is value in those opinions, but when you've been in a situation like OPs, you realise how wildly unrealistic most of them are. All of this "you are one unit" does not reflect the reality of having a SC that comes over EOW or less. Most of your time is spent without them, going about your life continuing relationships they aren't involved in, and most of their time is spent without you, with other people, doing the same. Everyone is used to that.

I guess it's their wedding and they can invite whoever they like. In the same way I suppose the husband can refuse an invite altho that will appear a bit weird as his wife and child will be there. The problem with that is it creates rifts within family units. And that's not healthy.

My dad’s will is equally shared between his biological and step children, we all grew up together as one family and it would be deeply weird to differentiate (I’m a bio child). My half siblings aren’t ‘unrelated’ to my dad, he’s been their stepdad since the 1970s! I think of them as just siblings anyway. Of course he could have been a dick about the whole situation back then and differentiated between us bio kids and the step kids and made them feel less important or wanted. Because he didn’t though, twenty years after my mum died he’s a loved grandparent to their kids and a massive part of their lives.

Yes especially 8 years of being in the family. I think it's awful

I can't believe your parents used to come to a joint birthday meal and not bring a present for your stepchild. That's such shitty behaviour.

People treat SC differently, and not all the differences are damaging ones. For some step-parents, step-parenting is very a much hands-on parenting situation and the SC is very much at home in their house; for others, it's much more semi-detached. It sounds as if this is what is going on here the SC didn't spend anything like 50% of his/her time at the OP's house because the OP's DH worked away, and hobbies meant they wanted to stay at 'home' at their mum's, therefore the OP's family simply don't really know her SC. I know my parents these days are extremely wary of getting too fond of my sister's partner's two children they adored and were close to her previous longterm partner's children, but when the relationship broke up, they never saw them again and were heartbroken. I think it shocked them to the core how two children they loved suddenly disappeared from their lives with no recourse (children too young to maintain contact independently etc).

Depends on your relationship really. I think it's really shitty of your parents to not but your SD a birthday present. However my son has stepmother, he saw his father sporadically. Maybe once every 3 weeks for a weekend stay I'd you evened it out and I wouldn't have expected him to be invited to his step mothers sisters wedding. But his father was an arse and spent no time with his son and didn't give a shit. That doesn't sound like your DH.
If your sister is inviting plus ones for her guests and potential partners of guests she hasn't ever met then yeah I think your family are being unreasonable. If it's a small wedding with only immediate family and close friends then it's not as unreasonable but still a bit shit.

Agree with this.

Apart from sounding quite cruel, your parents seem to lack basic social skills. Imagine going along to a joint birthday party and not taking your stepchild a gift.

I'd be incredibly embarrassed if my parents behaved like this.

Lovely and what I consider to be normal tbh.

I simply cannot get my head around a stepchild being so pointedly excluded from a wedding where their half sister is a flower girl.

@WildFeathers , perhaps we just know nicer people.

I’m pretty sure a step-niece would come high up the pecking order for most people… as most of the posts here indicate. I guess if a step-niece is still a near stranger after 8 years, it’s just a case of different values. I wouldn’t do anything that I thought might upset my brother in law and would make amends if I had accidentally done so. He’s important to my sister and therefore important to me. In this scenario, this child is important to him, even if not to me, but that makes them important to me

Well done to your step parents, and all parents involved.

I'm happily married to my kids dad....but if we were ever to split, the thought of him partnering up with a woman who had no interest in my kids is horrible.