Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I know I'm not alone in saying it but had to comment that I am often completely baffled when a child from a previous relationship is not included as a family member by extended family. If I meet someone with a child, they come as a package, I'm taking on that child to love and welcome too. If my brother meets someone with a child, I accept and welcome them into the family. If my sister excludes my stepchild from a family even then I'm not going either.

I'm with your DH on this one.
I would understand your sister not wanting them invited if the mum wanted to come along as well, but its not nice or fair to not treat your stepchild as part of your family unit.
I also think your sister is bu if she knows it's making your husband so uncomfortable that he doesnt want to come, but she's not considering this. If I was your husband and this was the treatment my child got, it would make me take a long hard look at the relationship and in laws to be honest!
As for presents, of course you get step children presents! My BiL has two sons, my nephews. His partner has two daughters. At Christmas I would not ever dream of bringing my nephews presents and leaving the two girls empty handed.

I think your sister is being fair, she doesn’t know the SC…. They are not her family and you don’t even have them for that time anyway.

Your DH needs to grow up and realise not everyone cares about his kid and that’s fine

Deliberately excluding a child, when it makes no difference to you whether they’re there if not, is not “fine” FFS.

I really don't understand after 8 years how your step child doesn't really know your sister and has only met them a few times but you seem to be very close with your sister?

Do you not have family bbqs/family parties/days out with cousins or get togethers like ever?

I'm with your H. Step child should be invited regardless.

I would also work on your SC's relationship with your family. They clearly feel like an outsider and will end up very resentful.

But wouldn't it be harder for DSC to attend and see step sibling as a flower girl with her dress, shoes, hair etc and she given no special role?

Depends how impressed she is by special dress, shoes and hair I guess

Ffs, can nobody read? So many people have explained this.

And she doesn't "clearly" feel like an outsider at all, there's no evidence of that at all, OP said she wasn't be bothered.

This

In my book though the step child IS part of the parents and sisters family.

Hell would freeze over before one of my kids was invited to a family wedding and the other one wasn't. Good for your DH taking a stand.

I have a half sister (through my mother) and she's never been treated as anything less than a full family member by my fathers family.
Because my father always treated her as a daughter.
She's still in contact with her bio father and has an excellent relationship. But I think because my own father more or less decided that he was taking on a fathers role when he got with my mother, his family have always treated her as such.
Birthday cards and present, Christmas cards and presents, wedding/christening/birthday/party invites always extended. Now even including her daughter as she's considered my fathers granddaughter.
Perhaps it's a reflection of how you treat your stepdaughter?

Your step daughter is either part of your family or she isnt, make your mind up

That’s fine, but not everyone needs or want to live by your book. They’ve got their own books they’re quite happy with.

Op’s family no more needs to bond with her stepdaughter than they need to bond with her mother in law. I’m not sure why it particularly matters if she’s considered family or not, because someone being family doesn’t mean you have a relationship with them. ‘Family’ can mean as much or as little as you want it to.

I can read perfectly well.

No, there's no evidence in this post but doesn't mean it isn't true.

I'm saying that as a step child who was left out of things and always said I 'wasn't bothered'

They haven't just accepted it though have they. From what the OP has said her husband hasn't made a fuss, hasn't demanded anything, simply declined the invitation. Her sister and the future BIL have told people they think he is being manipulative, won't invite the child (he didn't ask them to) and say he is being weird.

The husband isn't the one who won't just accept different families different rules.

Well said, @Iwasafool

I can read perfectly well.

So how is it that you still don't understand why often SC do not know their step mothers family? It's been explained time and again and it's perfectly simple.

At 13 she might think being a flowergirl is for someone much younger than her, like her little sister for example.

I'm with your husband.

You and your family are totally out of order. A step child IS part of the family when you marry their father.

Judging by the majority of the replies it seems most people share my opinion though. So it's the OP and her family who are out of step really.

That should give pause if nothing else.

That should give pause if nothing else.

Not really. Majorities are not always right.

I’m not sure why that needs to matter tbh, or at least it’s not something I personally feel the need to care about (as someone whose family is the same as OPs in regards to this). It’s the majority vote from those that read the thread, which doesn’t actually mean that other schools of thought aren’t entirely normal in either other forums or the ‘outside world’.

OP doesn’t require mumsnetters to agree with her in order to have her own thoughts on the matter, or indeed to act in whatever way works best for her. No one does.

There seems to be 2 camps here.

One camp thinks step children should be treated as family and included in events.

The other thinks that not all step kids need to be close to the extended family.

Both sides are exasperated with the other because they just can't understand their point of view.

However does it even matter how close the step child is to the rest of the family?

People are saying all families are different and bob along quite happily not being close. But the OPs husband isn't happy and has said so. He's now getting called manipulative. That does seem unfair and it seems to me extending an invite to his child wouldn't be too much bother. The child may not even want to go, that's fine too. It does seem crazy for the bride and groom to be so militant about it though.

I find the OP hilarious, despite all that has been said she came 120% convinved her stuck up fanily is right and she leaves thinking exactly the same, depsite so many people pointing out how hypocritical they are. In this case, there is no need to believe anything you say OP about how good your life is, ebcause you are deluded. If you think this si no biggie, then all the 'the step child has all they want' mean nothing. I usually side with step parents as it's hard, but you just sound so unpleasant and self rightous.
I hope your husband sees through you. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him.

I agree with your first half, but in terms of why they haven't just invited her because DH is upset - I think there's probably some subtext here, they probably find his attitude about this very annoying. Previously there has been incidents where they haven't been allowed to go to OPs child's birthday party because he took issue with them. Then he took issue with them going on holiday without her and they paid for her to go which, in a scenario where they are not really family and don't consider themselves as such, is very generous. And now he's taking issue again even though he knows they don't consider her family so would only ever be inviting her out of obligation for his sake (when they probably don't like him that much anyway given the history and view him as OPs plus one himself), and this needn't actually be an issue as she isn't due to be there anyway. They are probably fed up with the drama he causes on this topic when they and his DD are fine with it. I know I would be.

I would imagine the OP is interested to see whether she is being unreasonable as she wouldn't have posted and enabled the vote.

Looks like most people say she is. I'd imagine that result would reasonably reflect what the general population thinks.

The OP can choose to ignore it of course and do as she sees fit. But so can her husband as I'm sure he will.

If you want to be so analytical about this, and remove all emotional connotations of a wedding (🤣), then tell me, do you think the cash they saved by eliminating a literal relative from their wedding was worth it? DH certainly got a bargain, finding out his ILs are awful people for free.
And they get a cloud hanging over their day of HM forever. Actually, probably not forever, only as long as the marriage lasts.

You can canvas opinions and still not change your mind. It’s not a mandate.

I’m not sure you can call a vote by a couple of thousand people on a mumsnet subforum representative of anything other than the opinions of those that bothered to vote. Like I said, results on such polls can vary dramatically depending on the forum. Personally I don’t consider them to be particularly valuable, whether I agree with the prevailing narrative or not. Each to their own though.

Her husband has already apologised, so that’s what he’s seen fit to do. He may or may not continue to be unhappy with it, but presumably he’s not expected to change his mindset even if it makes OP unhappy, so I’m not sure why she should be expected to change hers.