Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

But DC often gets excluded from weddings. Personally I like DC at weddings but I know a lot of people want a child free wedding.

But wouldn't it be harder for DSC to attend and see step sibling as a flower girl with her dress, shoes, hair etc and she given no special role?

I find it odd that OP's sister barely knows SC and BIL has never met them after all these years.

I understand why her husband is hurt. He feels his child is being excluded (they are). SC may not care one way or the other, but it does seem a bit churlish to leave out a SC of a close family member.

I find it odd that OP's sister barely knows SC and BIL has never met them after all these years.

it’s the same in my family, my relatives don’t really know DSS. No bad blood, just that their paths tend not to cross

Your description of your family life needs clarification before anybody can make a judgement.
You say your DSC comes “regularly” but not so much as pre Covid. How regularly? Once a month? Every two months?
Why does your sister hardly know them? Is it because you don’t see your family on the seemingly rare occasions when DSC comes? Why not?
You say your 2 year old daughter objected to her grandparents coming to a family meal because they didn’t bring a present for DSC. What? Your 2 year old was sufficiently articulate and aware to make this stipulation? I find this hard to believe!
Your parents paid for your DSC to go on holiday, so not all bad then and shitty as other posters have said, but they had a “reasonable” time. If I paid for my family to go on holiday I would expect a fantastic time! I can have a “reasonable” time on my own!
You have also carefully avoided saying if this DSC is a young boy or girl. Is there a reason for this?
Has this child made some mistakes in the past that your family have heard about and for this reason don’t want them at the wedding?
You are not giving us the full picture, and until you do, nobody can give any worthwhile opinions.

If a dad sees his child less than 50% of the time, when they are together he's going to prioritise 1:1 time or seeing his own family, not visiting his wife's relatives. I can easily believe the child rarely comes into contact with the OP's extended family. Which is why no one on OPs side considers dsd to be the same as their biological niece.

PMSL at the notion the OP has to think of dsd as the same as her own child. No she doesn't. She should care about her, treat her kindly, make her feel welcome, protect her from harm etc, but she is absolutely allowed to love her own child more! Dsd has a mum of her own, who (presumably) loves her first and foremost!

If dsd was due to be with dad that weekend then it would be rude to not invite her to the wedding. But she isn't. People have to accept that they don't have a right to take their kids to places they aren't invited to!

I find it odd that no matter how many posters explain it, people say they do not understand that a child who has so little time when her father isn't going to be building relationships with his in laws.

Lots of excusing this behaviour and using diminishing negative language to describe why its NOT an issue. Why OP wasted everyone's time writing this nonsense only to basically defend her rather horrid point scoring sister (she's only refusing to invite now as ops husband is "manipulative" all of a sudden after x amount of years in the family NOW he's randomly manipulating them 🫣)
Op ALWAYS though SHE was correct, feel bad husband has "grudgingly" had to apologise.
As someone who was left out and with kids who got left out cause people like you and your sister decided it wasn't a "big deal" I'm glad to report I was "sensitive" about it and whilst I didn't do anything about it at the time I definitely did something about those types of people when I was old enough and yes, I laughed and joked with those people as well.

If its NOT a BIG DEAL like you keep screaming into the void then an invite would be extended and that would be the end of it.

But your "darling" sister and groom "won't be manipulated" by your husband. I wouldn't let anyone talk about my husband so disrespectfully because he's spoke up about something. You and specifically your family sound like selfish single minded people that can't grasp the nuances of blended families and different emotional reactions.
Instead YOU decide what a 13 year old should feel and think and your quite adamant in branding a 13 year old a sensitive brain dead idiot if they are upset at not getting invited. God forbid anyone else have valid emotions around someone like you. Thankfully the majority correctly have branded you, your sister and groom unreasonable.

My dad and stepmum often left me out of family holidays, Christmases and family events - which their children, my half siblings were taken to. My stepmum sat me down once while my dad was out the room and told me not to come for Christmas one year.

I'm nearly 50 and it still hurts.

Thankfully, it sounds like the issue is well on the way to being resolved (and may very well have been resolved). Some posters on mumsnet may well believe she’s being unreasonable, but that isn’t something that needs to have the slightest bit of impact on her actual life.

I hope it is sorted now OP, and that you enjoy the wedding.

You and specifically your family sound like selfish single minded people that can't grasp the nuances of blended families and different emotional reactions.

Well this is ironic.

Instead YOU decide what a 13 year old should feel and think and your quite adamant in branding a 13 year old a sensitive brain dead idiot if they are upset at not getting invited.

Projecting much? OP has never said anything of the sort about her DSD, she's said it shouldn't really be an issue because, knowing the child, she's identified that DSD wouldn't be bothered. As many of us have identified about our own DSC, or indeed about ourselves as the DSC. But go on, tell us more about it's OP who can't grasp nuance and different reactions!

My stepdaughter (now an adult) was always treated as part of our family and was invited to my brother's wedding before he had even met her.

My parents always involved her, invited her, remembered her brithday with gifts even though they rarely saw her because of logistics. She never lived with us but that made no difference to my family's treatment of her. It wasn't about how well they knew her it was about her being part of our family.

Step-daughter has children of her own, my parents have only met them a couple of times but always remember their birthdays with a card and a little gift.

As a result of this my step-daughter has always felt part of the family, she treats my family as part of her family. Now even her Mum & Step-Dad have a relationship with my family.

My friends on both sides of the step-child dynamic (step-parents and parents) all work the same way, can't understand why you wouldn't.

It hasn't always been perfect but if you start off on the basis of the child being part of your family unit and involved wherever possible you will be sure they feel included and loved.

Sometimes its hard with combined families and your sister doesnt really know the child. There are times when invites do not include the other child as they are predominately more with the other parent. It is not your fault and after all it is your sisters wedding and what she says goes. I had this situation when a family member married abd had no children at her wedding ex partner kicked off big time and said they should be there as they are cousins of the bride.

Stepchild is a member of your family regardless of how well you all know them. You, your parents and other family obviously don't agree with that sentiment. I feel sorry for the stepchild as they will 100% know that you view them as a lesser member. Not buying them presents is pretty petty. Your husband is correct in declining, he's showing his child that they're important to him enough to make a stand.

OP, going by your username @TheOriginalGilmoregirl I'm thinking that you maybe come from a privileged background? Apologies if completely wrong.
Is putting family members into different boxes an upper class thing? It seems that it is just another division. If stepchild is your family, then they are your extended families family, you don't see this?
Your own child is their family, why not the stepchild? Just because they are your husband and your own? So your family trumps your husbands family? It's a very skewed view.

They are part of OP’s family, sure, but so are her parents in law, and indeed every other type of family member on her DH’s side. Presumably OP’s didter hasn’t invited any of them either.

I am sorry - I think what people are having trouble getting their head around is you saying you consider your step child your family - but you don’t mind that your family don’t consider someone you think as family as their family as well.

It’s so mean .poor kid. If l was your husband l wouldn’t go either . YANBU

Yes it's very obvious that people are struggling to get their heads around it, but that doesn't make it wrong. For many, choosing to be in a blended family means choosing to let go of the traditional family structure and go with the flow with your varied, intersectional relationships where some people are related and close, and others aren't, with those people being related and close to other people. The amount of people on here who just flat out refuse to accept that alternative family structures can exist and can be happy is getting ridiculous.

What she says goes? So when you receive an invite you don't need to reply do you, the bride and groom have spoken and what they say goes so you have to attend. What a load of rubbish.

Totally different to your situation, the OP hasn't said her husband kicked off, he hasn't demanded an invite for his child he has just said he doesn't want to go. Nothing wrong with that even if you think what the bride says goes, maybe you want him shackled and dragged there.

Maybe they need to let go of the idea their BIL has to attend.

They’re not saying he has to but they are also welcome to their own opinions about it as he is.

He’s upset that his child who was going to be with their mum when this wedding is happening and that they barely know wasn’t given an invite and they’re annoyed that he is choosing to not come, missing out on his other child being in their wedding.

If you really think about it, how many people invited to the wedding will have got a +1 and will be bringing someone the bridge and groom barely know?

DH is the OP's +1. He wouldn't have been invited if he wasn't married to her. Some people don't invite partners at all to weddings. Just direct relatives or close friends.

Maybe they need to let go of the idea their BIL has to attend.

Well yes? Doesn't sound like they're forcing him, they're just annoyed by his reasoning.