Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

OP - why is my husband being so unreasonable? This is a joyous occasion!

Absolutely nuts.

I would always support my husband in something where he was justifiably upset. I think he has been a bit self absorbed.

He is justifiably upset.

Sorry, but you're the self-absorbed one and it's srrange that even a majority disagreeing with you doesn’t prompt some self-reflection.

I think your sister and bil will regret the decision they're making too. If they're decent people they'll realise sooner or later they've made a mistake - maybe when they have children themselves.

I tot

It's a large social event for which traditional etiquette rules apply. If they want to be King and Queen for a day with zero consideration for others, elope.

A reasonable time? Is there problematic behaviour?

I find your parents treatment strange…my stepdaughter is completely banned from our house (people can flame me but I have a safety reason and there’s no budging, I tried for years), and we still all buy/send her gifts etc!?

stepparenting is hard, this dynamic does sound a lot.

@TheOriginalGilmoregirl i hear you and totally agree re your family’s relationship with your DSC. You sound like a lovely step mum x

id suggest deleting this thread before daily mail jump on it x

I find it really upsetting that your family aren’t all inclusive of his child, and you keep repeating that she’s not their family, as if that’s some kind of defence, and not the whole point!

Fair play to him! I hope he sticks to his guns and neither of them attend

Pretty sure the Mirror already has https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/dad-praised-refusing-attend-wedding-30742043

Such lazy, thoughtless, 'journalism'. Hopefully @TheOriginalGilmoregirl changed enough details

Your sister is totally being u reasonable and good for your husband for sticking up for his child

You have married your DH, it's not some new relationship. To me you're a family unit and should be treated as one. I think it's rude having your DD as s flower girl and ignore your DSD when you are also a bridesmaid. No wonder your DH doesn't want to go. I think I'd actually be supporting my DH and DSD by declining to be involved at all. If my DB had done this to me, I know I'd be telling him that it's all of us or none.

Let’s invite my sister, her child and her husband. Done. It’s that easy.

Every day on MN women are told to have boundaries, to stand up for themselves, that it's not only all right but a good thing not to do things that make them uncomfortable, to draw lines in the sand, to not accept being treated badly by others members of the family etc etc etc. And rightly so.

But when a man does it, he's self-absorbed and insensitive. Whether I agree 100% with your DH's actions, OP, I think it's great that he has stood up for his daughter and said that not inviting her to your sister's wedding is his red line. Nothing you said in your original post implies that he's had a strop or made a drama out of it, nor has he demanded that his daughter be invited, he's simply told you he won't be going. Go him, I say.

Too late

I think that’s horrible of your sister. Your step child is part of your family. I don’t blame your husband. And yes I’ve been a step mum for 30 years, my sd is early 30’s. She’s never lived with us but stayed every other weekend until she was about 16. She’s never ever been excluded from anything and invited to everything and still is even though she’s a fully grown adult.

I knew what you meant 😘

Not sure I'd call a sulking and controlling man nice but each to their own.

How did you get to that conclusion????

In what way is he being controlling?

If what you are saying is he can't defend his daughter or have an opinion and more importantly he doesn't have to go to the wedding. They don't have to invite his daughter to the wedding. See noone is being controlled and everyone is allowed their opinion.

You're married for 8 years and you don't consider this girl part of your close family? Wow. I'm with your husband.

Why would the op be arguing that her step child is “just as much” hers as her own child is? 🤔

She hasn’t adopted her, she has a mum.

They’ve been married for 8 years!!!
presumably together before that

Any more time and the step child will be grown up

I think your parents were very mean and rude not to bring the DSC a small gift when attending a DSC joint party. If your DSister and BiL barely know DSC then I think it's reasonable not to invite them to the wedding particularly if that is a weekend that DSC is with her Mum anyway. If your DH wants to sulk alone at home then let him. He will be missing the fun. If the wedding was on a weekend your DH has his DC then it is reasonable to ask if they can be included. I can't think why the DSC would want to go to a wedding of a person they don't know as they won't have a special role to play like a flower girl or bridesmaid but would have to witness you and your DD having a special role.

OP, your family are as frosty as fuck.