Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

There's always arguments on this and nobody agrees with anyone else or rarely do anyway looks like you have 2 choices 1 you and your child go to your sisters wedding have aball. 2 you give sister an ultimatum and say if he's she's not coming I'm not coming 😭. Be bigger person go to your sisters wedding but let her know she's being a bit unfair towards your extended family. Shame because it's her day and if she doesn't want it and has spat her dummy out about it then just let her have her day her way. Feel for u doll stuck right in the middle but it is her day 😔🤔🥺

This logic only works because you happen to agree with the DH. Conditional support is perfectly healthy - otherwise we'd be obliged to support whatever abusive thing a partner could do to us (hypothetically, obviously). We should be considering whether we think they are right to feel as they do and act on it as they are.

You may think he is wrong but 70% of people here agree with him.

Im sorry but you are a stepmum so your sister, parents and brother in law are her family. Its a weird vibe you are giving with comments such as ‘its not my sisters family’. If your sister married a man with two kids, those kids would become your family. If you think its ok to exclude those kids, you dont know the meaning of family.

Could there be a compromise?
. DH and DSD attend the marriage service at the back of Church, the room or wherever the service is held.
He and your DSD could get to see her much loved sister be a flower girl. She may like to see her sister on her big day. Your daughter may like to have her sister witness it too.
After the service they could say their goodbyes.

Nope responses are based on this child

My partner also didn’t go to the wedding I spoke about either. More difficult when it’s your sisters but 🤷🏽‍♀️
and you’re just wrong. Your family is your family’s family. Your step child is your family’s family, if you had made it so. But because you’ve disregarded them and seem totally happy to go to a family event with a quarter of your family, yeah your family don’t see your stepchild as their family.
but in my opinion going to a family event when a quarter of your family was not invited, for basically no reason (your sisters reasoning is just mad in my opinion!) is really really weird. And I’m really surprised you can’t see that. 🤔 it actually would be better if the other child also wasn’t invited, so it was just ‘no kids’ inviting one and not the other is just nasty.

oh and paternal sister 😂🙄🤦🏽‍♀️ what a bizarre way to say….sister…

Agree with you 100%
Pathetic isn't it that for the sake of a few pounds grown adults can't include step children. It's actually so gross.

Absolutely awful that your stepchild want invited. Inexcusable.

Flip this round that it’s your child being excluded and ask yourself if you’d be happy?

I would always support my husband in something where he was justifiably upset. I think he has been a bit self absorbed.

Your husband isn't unreasonable and you sound even more difficult. The only people who are self absorbed is you and your sister. What is manipulative about wanting to bring his child to the wedding. I can see why he doesn't want to go but unfortunately he has to put up with your attitude because he is married to you so of course he will be the one to apologise.

I grew up with people like you my grandmother brought me up and I couldn't get near my dad because of my stepmother. No life 😞 no love never included in anything. Horrible life her sister is being childish but it's her day so let her off with that. Really is that you pat? Lol your words took me right back to when I was 5 and everyone was going to the park and I got left for good with my granny. Did that my whole childhood took step siblings out and I got to cook clean and bring up the babies she kept spitting out. I haven't seen any of them since I was really young got away sharp from poisonous family.

I haven't read the whole thread but have read your posts OP. If he doesn't want to go then leave him at home. It's a shame he'll miss it for his sake, but it'll still be a lovely day for you and your daughter.

I'm not surprised your sister is irritated by all of this, it's about her and her husband to be, not everyone else! It would have been nice for her to be considerate of your blended family, but she wasn't, and it's her day, so that's that really.

It’s not complicated. It’s a family occasion and step child has been part of your blended family for 8 years, of course they should be invited and you should be proud your dh has a back vibe and is putting his dc first and not tolerating pushing her to a secondary position in the family. So many dads would tolerate this and cause emotional damage. By not fully including step dc in your family you risk the dc always feeling not quite fully part of her dad’s life. That’s not okay. You accepted the dc into your family when you married her father.

Your sister should have just included her esp when she knew it upset your dh & was causing family stress. she should have 'budged' & not dug her heels in (to make a point?) . It's an extra child ffs & company for dc1. I'd have backed dh am afraid (not what you want to hear obvs)

I agree with your husband. This isn’t just a friend of a friends child. This is your step-child and as much a part of your family as your daughter.
I find your parent’s behaviour very sad. I couldn’t not bring a gift for someone around their birthday time, especially a child for goodness sake.
My Mum and Dad are divorced but their step Grandchildren are just as much their family as my daughter.
I feel very fortunate to have had my family broken when I was older (18) instead of at a younger age.
Some children have to deal with some really unkind step-families on these forums.

No, I’m sorry but you are the self absorbed one here. The majority agree with your husband so, even though you’re in the minority that thinks the situation acceptable, his upset is clearly understandable and justified.

Basically, you’ll support your husband when it suits you, and you consider your stepchild family when it suits you.

Maybe it’s time to consider divorce?

I think what OP is just not understanding is that for a lot of people is that when a SC is part of 'your' family they're automatically seen as family particularly to your sister and particularly after 8 years.

And even if your sister doesn’t really consider them family, she should still respect that SC is part of the OP’s family unit.

Poor stepchild. I feel for these kids so much when I read about the behaviour of these so called adults. I'm glad her dad sees sense on this one.

These Family members sound very weird and missing something

sister - let's do the wedding invitations. Let's invite my sister, her husband of eight years but just one of his two kids - the one we want to be flower girl and the one which is our ( well mine) blood relation.
your husband - well I am not attending if only one of my kids is invited.
your brother-in-law to be - wow what a manipulative bastard - we don't give a shit about your other kid.

You've been married since his daughter was five years old. I'm guessing she was at your wedding? And your sister?

At what point did you/your family decide she wasn't part of your family? When you had your kid with your husband?

Exactly, I couldn't get this out of my head when DH sister left my son out.. The fact they actually sat down and wrote the guest list and purposefully left one child out. Complete dickhead behaviour. I'm so glad DH backed me and didn't expect me to sit through there wedding. I can't believe some people think it's acceptable.

“Stepchild” is your family, I'm 100% with your husband. You're extended family sound extremely petty. What type of people exclude a child but include the father? Weirdos

YABVU! Ok your sister barely knows SC, which is shocking in itself if you've been married 8 years, unless you don't see your sister that often. SC is YOUR family and YOU should be advocating for YOUR stepchild saying SC is MINE just as much as DC is mine so if DC is invited then SC should be invited too! Of course DH's ex would let SC come to a family event, because that's how co-parenting works. I actually can't believe you aren't offended that SC hasn't been invited.

I have DD's age 15 & 13, been with my DP 12 years and we have a 4 and 3 year old and if DP's family have a wedding, or family event that we are invited too that means we are ALL invited and if they said they didn't want my DD's there he would say they are MY SD's too, they are MY family so we either all come or none of us do!