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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

1000 replies

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 19/08/2023 14:04

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 20/08/2023 18:23

People are talking about “having my stepchild’s back.” I would totally have her back over something where they were genuinely being harassed by someone but they don’t need someone at their back over a bloody wedding invitation from someone they hardly know (but are always nice when their paths cross) and a complete stranger.

OP posts:
MotherEarthisaTerf · 20/08/2023 18:23

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 20/08/2023 18:20

I am completely with you on this OP. Most posters have entered a dark fairy tale world of their own making about some poor, deprived, little child, not a happy 12, 13 year old with 2 loving parents, who amicably co parent, and she has a half sibling and fun-sounding step mum to boot!

Well it's not happy families if it's offended the husband is it?

GreenClock · 20/08/2023 18:25

The parents and sister sound thoughtless and not particularly nice people.

The stepdaughter seems unbothered though, which is the main thing. Perhaps she sees them for what they are and wouldn’t want to socialise with them anyway.

daliesque · 20/08/2023 18:30

For the last time my stepchild is my family but she isn’t my family’s family. I wouldn’t have minded them being invited but no child is going to have to have therapy because they not invited to a wedding.

That's far too logical for the hysteria on this thread. In the real world, as long as the child is treated well when she does occasionally meet her stepmothers family, then everyone is happy.

Im glad your husband has realised that he was being a drama Queen and I do hope that in your discussions about moving forwards he remembers that he also has a daughter with you who would so,e times like 1:1 time with her dad and for her dad to see her all dressed up and excited at a wedding.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 20/08/2023 18:31

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 20/08/2023 18:23

People are talking about “having my stepchild’s back.” I would totally have her back over something where they were genuinely being harassed by someone but they don’t need someone at their back over a bloody wedding invitation from someone they hardly know (but are always nice when their paths cross) and a complete stranger.

You created the drama between your sister and your husband. Your sister and her stbh believes he is being manipulative because of what YOU told them. Why is your husband apologising to you for after you opened your mouth. Your husband confided in you about how he felt and you went straight to your family and told them and worst of all you backed your sister.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/08/2023 18:33

I totally agree with your sister!
SC is old enough to understand - and to not want to be with a whole load of people they don’t know. SC is at her mums that weekend anyway. Bride met her once, groom not at all. If you had another (older) child from another relationship that DH‘s sister had never met - would you expect them to be invited if they were with their dad that weekend? Of course not. DH is feeling guilty for not being a full time dad to his first child but that’s not your sisters problem, she has no relationship with this child, groom never met SC, why invite them? To ease DH’s guilt? Just go with your DD with or without DH.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 18:33

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 20/08/2023 18:20

I am completely with you on this OP. Most posters have entered a dark fairy tale world of their own making about some poor, deprived, little child, not a happy 12, 13 year old with 2 loving parents, who amicably co parent, and she has a half sibling and fun-sounding step mum to boot!

No I think what people are misunderstanding is that this is about the father being upset. He's entitled to his feelings and it doesn't actually matter if the child would want to go or not it is about his children being recognised as family.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 20/08/2023 18:33

GreenClock · 20/08/2023 18:25

The parents and sister sound thoughtless and not particularly nice people.

The stepdaughter seems unbothered though, which is the main thing. Perhaps she sees them for what they are and wouldn’t want to socialise with them anyway.

I agree that's all that matters.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 20/08/2023 18:34

I'm talking about the excluded stepdaughter, not her dad, who's now apologised to op anyway

ScribblingPixie · 20/08/2023 18:34

Has it crossed your mind OP that your husband isn't 'a bit insensitive' but rather you and your family are a very insensitive bunch? Everything you've said about your family's and your attitudes seems so thoughtless and self-absorbed that I wonder if it can even be true.

ScribblingPixie · 20/08/2023 18:34

your husband isn't 'a bit sensitive' I mean

Daisybridge · 20/08/2023 18:40

Fenellapitstop · 19/08/2023 14:07

Stepchild is a part of your family. I think your dh is right on this. You'd be very upset if your dd was being excluded in this way

Exactly this - you married your DH and took on a step child.

my82my · 20/08/2023 18:41

Wanted to add to this.. I said earlier that my DH sister will not except my son as part of her family. So I won't have her around him.. her loss and she doesn't come for Christmas and what not. DH Agrees and thinks his sister is pathetic. If though my DH didn't agree and sided with his sister on this matter.. just like you are then I wouldn't stay with him. And there's no way on earth I'd be apologising for making my child a priority over anyone.
But I also wouldn't want my child around people who I'd had to beg an invite off. So if I was in your husbands shoes I wouldn't attend your sisters wedding and I'd seriously be questioning my future with you.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 20/08/2023 18:41

Husband is bonkers and selfish expecting that a virtual stranger to this kid invites her to their wedding just because you're going . The step daughter has her own life and family, why does she need to be included in someone elses celebration when she doesn't even know them. Fucking ludicrous. SD will be with her mother, husband will be home alone sulking. Enjoy your sisters wedding.

Worlds gone fucking mad.

IAmMam · 20/08/2023 18:49

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 19/08/2023 18:48

I am truly gobsmacked by how many responses there are.

I haven’t got beyond Page 5.

I genuinely care for my step child and they are my family but I don’t think that my family need to consider them as family. They have never treated them badly and when they see my husband they ask after them.

This is my first post, people have run with the idea that my family didn’t get stepchild a present. My father gave them £10 or 20 at the end of the evening. This is my dad’s practice when he sees my cousin’s kids. My husband a whole year later, was minded to mention he thought it demonstrated a lack of thought. I completely disagree.

@AgathaMiss my chid is five and knows that their sibling is a half sibling and are incredibly loving towards one another. They 100% wouldn’t think they were being left out of a family occasion. If their mutual dad’s family left them out that would be a different matter.

@RedDedRedemption stepchild has two loving parents and a loving stepmother who are very much involved in their life but is at an age where they are having their own life as well.

I very much doubt that my stepchild thinks about my parents and siblings from one year to the next.

Someone wanted me to clarify this: The four of us will be away for a week two weeks before wedding. Husband and stepchild will then go away together for 4/5 days being joined by brother and cousin and one of their children in this country coming back just before wedding.

What is annoying my sister is that child is due back with their mother the weekend of wedding so no need to extend an invitation and my husband is still going to stay at home rather than watch his other daughter be a flower girl.

My mother has said that BiL feels my sister is being manipulated by my husband with his declining the invitation. This is what is making them dig their heels in.

This has ruined the run up to the wedding for me and there’s an elephant in the room now.

I wonder, if you had a child to a previous partner, that was meant to be with their dad on the wedding weekend, your sister would also think no invite was needed for them as it wasn’t your weekend. Family is family and I wish people would treat kids that way, step, half, adopted, whatever

Original poster
TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 20/08/2023 18:49

@ScribblingPixie I know it’s not true but I decided not to attempt to defend them after reading the first lot of responses as I would be on a hiding to nothing. I never met a more generous, less self absorbed man as my father.

I know my husband was upset (he is coming out of it now) but I think he is wrong and I don’t think I am wrong in supporting my sister in this (sounds more dramatic than it is).

I would always support my husband in something where he was justifiably upset. I think he has been a bit self absorbed.

People aren’t getting nuance. I wish to God I hadn’t mentioned the present business years ago as it has skewed ideas of them.

OP posts:
larlypops · 20/08/2023 18:49

My children have a step sister and when they’re together I expect them to be treated the same regardless, mine go to weddings of people they don’t know or none of them go if they want to go child free. I agree with your husband

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/08/2023 18:49

Sounds like a shitty dynamic all round.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 18:51

Glad your husband has begun to see sense OP, hope you can sort it between you and make peace on the issue!

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 18:57

Does your husband know what your sis and BIL have said about him?

Ohgollymolly · 20/08/2023 19:03

I think it’s my biggest pet hate when women take on men who already have kids and then behave like this. That’s your step child, they are part of your family. Excluding them is not only rude, but it’s really really petty. I’m always disgusted that grown women can treat children like this.

When I first met my now good friend she always spoke of her sons. It wasn’t until quite a while later that I realised one was her stepson. She never ever calls him that, just ‘my son’ and that’s something I really admire.

Do better. Be better. Because one day that could be your child.

GreenClock · 20/08/2023 19:06

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 18:57

Does your husband know what your sis and BIL have said about him?

I suspect not. Poor chap, he sounds nice too.

ScribblingPixie · 20/08/2023 19:10

I would always support my husband in something where he was justifiably upset.

That conditional support isn't going to get your marriage very far, OP.

saffy2 · 20/08/2023 19:15

If I were your husband our marriage would have been over when you didn’t demand your parents buy a birthday gift for your step child.
we have had a huge falling out with my boyfriends family over this. Because they buy for our daughter and not my son. His step child. It’s not ok in my opinion.
and no, I wouldn’t go to a wedding that my son wasn’t invited to either, especially if his sister was invited. That just nasty. And I actually have declined a wedding invitation to someone in his family, that I don’t even know anyway because the family members who disregard my son would be there.
im with your husband. And if I were him I would be rethinking my marriage quite frankly. I’m surprised he’s still around.

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