Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

He takes your DSD out for a meal once a week and has more 1:1 time then than all week with your child? I don't believe that. He lives with the child you share. That makes a big difference. Why doesn't the dinner happen at your house where they would be more integrated into the family?

This

Maybe she wasn't upfront about not wanting his kids at the time

and it took him eight years to figure it out? 🫠

Your husband and your daughter should just get over it and move on. Is that what you want to make your life easier and happier.

*his daughter

‘Would you parents accept my child and treat her as a grandchild?’ literally covers it. Given that they’ve never taken on that role, and Op has never expected them to, it seems very unlikely that he was under any illusions. At any point when he was witnessing the lack of relationship between his child and OPs family he could have decided it was unacceptable to him and broken up with her. Yet here we are eight years, a marriage and a child later.

@Doyoumind Yes he lives with our mutual child but so do I. He doesn’t live with stepchild so a 1:1 meal is important.

For the last time my stepchild is my family but she isn’t my family’s family. I wouldn’t have minded them being invited but no child is going to have to have therapy because they not invited to a wedding.

Did he ask you to tell them? I can't see why you had to say anything, he was invited and he declined. Your sister hadn't got some sort of right to an explanation.

I think a sister would naturally want to know why a brother-in-law declined her wedding.

For the last time my stepchild is my family but she isn’t my family’s family. I wouldn’t have minded them being invited but no child is going to have to have therapy because they not invited to a wedding.

@TheOriginalGilmoregirl i completely understand this, and I suspect many other posters do too. Just remember that common sense goes out the window with step families

My sister in law did this but to me! Said she wanted her brother & my son there but not me. Husband told her to do one..if I’m not invited no one else is going! So they aren’t attending the wedding 😂😂

I would be annoyed at your parents attending a joint birthday and not being a present for both kids. Maybe not a substantial present but at least something. Maybe your DH is making a point here because he wants his other child to be more part of the wider family.

Sounds like your step daughter is not fussed about going.

But they don't have to treat her as a grandchild, just some basic good manners would cover it but the trouble is if you ask someone if they have basic good manners they are likely to say yes even if it isn't true. The difference in arriving at a joint birthday party for siblings and only bringing a present for one is clearly something he wouldn't have expected even from people who didn't regard his child as family.

If I was invited to a joint party for two children and I'd never met one of them I'd still take a card with something in it because it's a child's birthday I've been invited to so I wouldn't leave them out.

Lmao, no, no we don’t.

‘Discrimination’ aka ‘people treating members of their family differently depending upon the relationship between them’. By that logic my parents were discriminating against every child that wasn’t theirs whenever they provided my brother and I with something due to us being their actual children.

We’ve had plenty of posts here from stepchildren who don’t see what the issue is, and gave no fucks when they experienced the same too.

Surely the same thing goes for her husband, he's the OPs family but he isn't her sister's family so why was he invited, why is it an issue if he doesn't want to go?

Except it is being argued that they should consider her as and treat her like a grandchild/niece. This isn’t about one event where the kid was actually given a present.

Good for him.

God that sounds a bit sarky, I do genuinely mean Good for him as he's stood up to her and he has your back.

You could have told her he is busy. You rubbed her up the wrong way when you told her the truth and your husband has every right to be upset. Regardless of whether he is being silly or not you should have his back and your SCs back but you don't. You think your family trumps your husband's feelings and that's sad.

Deliberately disingenuous there. He’s her sister’s husband, something generally considered a familial relationship (for as long as a marriage lasts, anyway). His daughter however is further removed, much like his mother is. Or his father. The sister probably doesn’t consider those to be members of her family either.

Has your sister invited anyone with a 'plus one' invitation? If she has, then your stepchild is the equivalent of one of those unknown 'plus ones' so the argument doesn't stack up.

I'm with your dh on this one

If your step child was considered your immediate family then they'd be invited. You dont consider your step child to be your immediate family or you would be as upset as your husband.

Your family unit is the 4 of you. Your family don't see it that way and it's odd to almost every respondent here.

I became a step child as old as your step child is now and everyone involved offered me grace and love and support. No one ever treated me as second class and it made a difficult situation (all blended families are a bit difficult) much easier. Your step child has been in your unit for 8 years from a very young kid. If you don't see this as a slight you're going to push away your husband for a long time.

Now is the time for you and DH to spend time together talking this through- the teen years and eventual graduation ceremonies, 18th birthday followed by weddings etc are just going to make this chasm much wider. It gets harder from here.

I am completely with you on this OP. Most posters have entered a dark fairy tale world of their own making about some poor, deprived, little child, not a happy 12, 13 year old with 2 loving parents, who amicably co parent, and she has a half sibling and fun-sounding step mum to boot!

Child is not further removed. He and her = 1 couple. Their children = the kids.

After I had got married my parents no longer became my immediate family. My husband became my next of kin etc. My immediate family is my household.

I totally understand wiggle room for older step kids or through the teenage years, or living far away etc. But inviting your sister's step child is nothing at all like inviting her mother-in-law