Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I can just imagine the questionnaire before you start dating someone, not sure where the question would come about would you think it OK to put a tenner in a card for a step grandchilds birthday or would it be OK to just hand it to them. I can't imagine it would be in the first 100 questions.

By the logic on here my husband as eldest child has obligation to arrange funeral of his step-mum or stepdad should that situation arise. I guess absolutely none of these step children mean fuck all mners would be fine if he didn't bother inviting his or their families to the funeral, they're only step parents after all. You're all saying his non step families wouldn't give a fuck and he's not to have anything to do with his steps.

Fortunately his family has more care and humanity than this anti step/ anti adoption/ anti anything other than heteronormative one spouse for.life side of mn

Yes, because it’s very difficult to say ‘I have a child, and I strongly believe that it’s important that a stepparent, and stepparents family, take on a stepchild as if they were their own. I need any partner of mine to be able to do that’.

Much better to leave it to chance if it’s so important, that’ll definitely work.

What I’m saying is that there’s no one rule, and each family gets to decide for themselves what works for them. It’s not for anyone to say ‘you should/have to do X’.

I agree with your DH, We invited his family for Christmas the first year we moved in together. His parents and sister arrived with no present for my son.. hadn't even added his name to the Christmas card. My husband pulled them to one side and his parents apologised and now give a token gift card/selection box but his sister wouldn't budge. She's never been invited back. She left my son out of her wedding invites so we didn't go. (This was DH own choice) It's awkward because even now years down the line I don't consider her as family, It put me and inevitably DH in a position where we had to choose.. All for the sake of a meal at a wedding/selection box/birthday gift. It's pathetic that your sister can't budge on this for the sake of your DH/stepchild. It's not a big ask.

Even when girls are young they are spiteful to one another and they carry that same spite to their adult life good grief. You have a lovely supportive husband you are very lucky. Sorry to say this but the op is a woman herself and is happy to be bridesmaid and her daughter flower girl and she don't get how awful she looks. On the day photos will be taken and she will rub it up in her husband's and SC face. You have to be a special type of person to do that to your loved ones.

Before anyone jumps me about girls are spiteful. Boys are horrid, girls are spiteful and if they aren't raised properly then they grow up to be horrid and spiteful.

What’s wrong with you?
Not all girls are spiteful and not all boys are horrid. I know plenty of boys and girls who are lovely and have never been spiteful or horrible.
Such a weird take on kids! Utterly bizarre.

I am genuinely shocked about the number of posts that my original post has generated.

Someone said that I had posted wanting everyone to agree with me and when the majority didn’t I tried to justify my position.

What I have found difficult is that the majority of those disagreeing with me seem to think my thirteen year old stepchild is in some kind of Cinderella situation and she most definitely isn’t

The responses seem to be based on a child younger than my stepchild who lives either permanently with stepparents or at least 50:50; this isn’t the case here.

I actually get on very well with my stepchild and she is most definitely my family but she isn’t my sister’s family.

The idea that my child will somehow be traumatised by my stepchild not being at my sister’s wedding is absurd.

My stepchild would not actively want to go to this wedding but I am sure would enjoy it if invited.

If Stepchild was with her dad that weekend I am convinced she would have extended an invitation but what has annoyed them is my husband declining because his child who they don’t know and who will be with her mother anyway hasn’t been invited.

This afternoon My husband Who sees his chid all the time and that child has more 1:1 time than my child, is beginning to think he’s been hasty and has given me a grudging apology. We are going to think about moving forward.

My stepchild is not Cinderella and has a lovely life. No stepfather on her mother’s life. My parents don’t do Christmas so she isn’t left out in those kind of scenarios. I doubt this wedding will have entered her consciousness.

Again the responses seem based on another child.

'His child' and 'my child'. As I pointed out earlier, your words say more than you realise.

How does he see her all the time but she is only rarely with you at your place, and hence not part of your family?

Does he only see her away from the home? If so, that means she will also not get to know her sibling.

I don't think you realize how much disdain for her comes through in your posts. She isn't family and you expect your DH to apologize for seeing her as part of his family unit. His own child. Crazy.

It isn't Cinderalla but it probably would be if she spent much time at your home. In some ways it is good that dad sees her a lot but 1:1 and not at the house given she isn't seen as family but at the same time, it is very much an exclusionary feeling to not be welcome at your own parent's home when you are a child.

He shouldn't be apologizing. He doesn't need to go to the wedding and there is nothing wrong with him seeing both his kids as part of his family and wanting them both there for a family invitation to a family wedding.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Wow! I feel sorry for the child and your DH. Just enjoy the wedding and leave him to it H̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶s̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶p̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶s̶.

My husband Who sees his chid all the time and that child has more 1:1 time than my child, is beginning to think he’s been hasty and has given me a grudging apology. We are going to think about moving forward.

It sounds like you're gaslighting him. He has nothing to apologise for. 'That child'; 'my child'. Poor bloke.

I actually get on very well with my stepchild and she is most definitely my family but she isn’t my sister’s family.

@TheOriginalGilmoregirl how does that work then? Surely if you consider her part of your family she is part of your family and should be treated as such.

If you did see her as family, why wouldn't your parents and siblings want to get to know your family? Why wouldn't they see her as part of your family too, if you saw her that way?

Did they accept your husband as part of your family? Why was he invited? They must have thought well he is now her family so we should get to know him and include him. Wouldn't they have the same thought for a child you also saw as part of your family?

I think it is pretty clear that you do not see her as family. For her sake it is probably better that time around you and your family is minimized, less damage to her that way. Hopefully when older, she can get to know her sibling.

Your sister and her stbh sound unpleasant and really petty.

but what has annoyed them is my husband declining because his child who they don’t know and who will be with her mother anyway hasn’t been invited

So they don't know child but know her contact arrangements with her father?

Sounds like excuses for spiteful people. No idea why your husband is apologising either.

That might not be the question though, I mean this is specific about being invited to a wedding, it was also specific about would the step grandparents arrive with two birthday presents for 2 children (one who didn't exist at the time) who happen to have birthdays close together. Lots of scenarios and your question doesn't cover them all, decent people don't need to take a child on as their own grandchild to buy a bloody birthday card when they are going to the child's birthday celebration and to be honest I can't think that many people would even think that was a possibility.

@Doyoumind I don’t mean anything by the ‘my child’ ‘his child’ … just a means of differentiating for the purpose of this thread.

They are my family but not my sister’s.

Yesterday afternoon for example Husband was drowned as he had I clipped a hose. Stepchild and I had tears rolling down our cheeks, holding on to each other as it was just so funny.

@Saffronsoup Husband sees Stepchild more 1:1 than our mutual child so a pizza mid-week when little and latterly a restaurant from a different European country every week. He is also their chauffeur once or twice a week for activities so sees them then. My Sister doesn’t know their schedule as there is nothing prescribed. He and Ex have lunch termly sorting out fees and extras, and schedules.

They are my family but I don’t think my parents or sister have to see them as family although she sees my parents when they’re here reasonably often and they are totally fine.

They only know why he declined because you told them. Stir, stir, stir.

Your sister doesn’t know the child, weddings are not cheap, they can’t invite everyone. I think your DH is being unreasonable and the SC shouldn’t demand or expect presents from anyone.

Is that a good reason to leave her out of the wedding because she is a stranger to them and they don't see her as part of your family. You are defending them and there attitude towards your family. Do you see your SD as your family or DHs daughter?

Your families attitude comes from you and how present your family.

@Iwasafool what was I supposed to say? Lie to my sister? I don’t think that’s stirring. I am genuinely upset.
I think my husband is being a bit sensitive.
Irony is stepchild wouldn’t be nearly as sensitive and would see it for what it was.

We all have a duty to children even Tom Dick or Harry in the street allowing children to be discriminated against by anyone is wrong. We have had posts on here with children forced to sit watching others open presents when both children had a birthday then a few hours later being bunged a bit of money as an after thought. Children left out of special day trips, it's heartless