Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Your sister should issue an invitation OP. It's not very nice to leave out your stepchild, quite shameful really. I don't understand why you don't see that?
If I were in your DH's situation I'd decline too, any thoughtful parent would. It's ridiculous to say declining an invitation makes him manipulative, he has no choice but to decline in my opinion.

It wasn't in a card and if the father was offended it is likely that it wasn't done at the same time the younger child got presents. It just isn't polite to act like that to a child. If she'd been handed a card with money in when presents exchanged it would be fine otherwise it is just blatantly an afterthought. I think the only excuse for the grandfather would be if no one had told him it was a joint celebration and then I'd say the OP was very inconsiderate to put her father in such an awkward position.

Do your sister and/or BIL have any children OP? Could they try and imagine themselves in your DH's shoes for a minute?

Actually it is the OP that is winding this up. How do her family know that her husband doesn't want a joint party with them for both children or that he was offended by the no present? If they don't know why is it relevant? Why do the sister and BIL think OPs husband is being manipulative? He just declined an invitation, it is the OP who has gone to them trying to get an extra invite.

Maybe she should just keep quiet and stop stirring it.

It wasn't in a card and if the father was offended it is likely that it wasn't done at the same time the younger child got presents. It just isn't polite to act like that to a child. If she'd been handed a card with money in when presents exchanged it would be fine otherwise it is just blatantly an afterthought. I think the only excuse for the grandfather would be if no one had told him it was a joint celebration and then I'd say the OP was very inconsiderate to put her father in such an awkward position.

Yes, like I said, the way it was delivered was potentially the problem. I would have definitely given it in a card at the same time I gave the other child their gift (assuming they were both in the room). But at the same time, I do think different families do things differently and chucking the older kid their money at the end with no card might be standard for some, cards might be deemed too young and a knowing handing over of the cash more of a grown up thing to do. Being honest, I've never actually known an older man have any involvement at all with gifts given to children (including their own), it's usually their wife and, if widowed, something that's a bit of an issue as they don't know what to do. This is a step up from that, perhaps him poorly navigating what you do for kids you don't know well/of that age.

It's something that may sound bad on paper but could have all kinds of explanations based on the fact that not everyone is the same and adheres to the same etiquette.

I don't think it's possible to 'just decline and invitation' if you are married to the bride's sister. You have to give an explanation otherwise it appears to be a snub. Most people when they decline a wedding invitation would make up an excuse, like not being able to get the time off work or having a prior commitment, so as not to cause offence.
Not going to his sil's weddings is always going to cause ructions.

The present thing

Surely that event for a 1 year olds birthday means years before of the grandparents not getting anything for the step child and probably not being invited to any sort of family event at this time.

Which is on the husband. Why had he not organised any birthday party before in his time got for say his parents and wives parents? I imagine he didn't bother all that time and just left it to say his mother for that side.

To me, when 2 adults decide to marry and form their lives together, and one or both have children from previous relationships, you are now one family. That is what you have decided and that is what other people should respect. All children therefore treated equally.

I think it's disgusting to divide blood/step/half siblings. I find it quite demeaning.

I would absolutely refuse to attend anything if all children weren't included. Your family have an awful attitude.

Interesting so step parents shouldn't give a shit about a child's feelings and the damage an adult does to them we can all allow unfair treatment to any child that is not genetically ours even if we choose to marry someone with a child. The child never asked to be torn apart and treated like second class to their half siblings

You might feel that way @scoobysnaxx but you cant force those feelings on the wider family. Its natural that grandparents would feel more strongly about their blood children than any step children. Not least if that marriage also breaks down, then likely they'll not see any step children again.

For people merging their families, they need to be aware of this.

I dont mean that any children should be visibly discriminated against, but not being included in everything isn't wrong per se.

There’s no ‘shouldn’t’ about it either. People are free to decide what works best for themselves and their own families. ‘Stepparent’ is merely a title, it isn’t a mandate for the stepparent to accept parental responsibility and consider their stepchild their own. Of course you can choose to think it is, but that has no impact on the actual facts of the matter. If having their child essentially adopted by a partner/a partner’s wider family is important to a parent then it’s entirely on them to establish that early on and you know, not date people that don’t share the same mindset.

Tbh it’s a very bold assumption that a stepchild would want to be treated like the child of their stepparent, or that they would fail to understand that not all members of their family have the same relatives in common.

That's why I said "to me".

And I disagree, I think they are being visible discriminated against by this family. They bought "their" grandchild a present but didn't give anything to the step child when the party/dinner was for the both of them. The "blood child" has been invited to the wedding but the step child hasn't.

They're being treated differently and it's so clearly obvious. That step child will notice it.

There are many many comments from step children here with their own experiences of this who were sadly made to feel different and excluded. It's cruel to children.

This.

*They bought "their" grandchild a present but didn't give anything to the step child when the party/dinner was for the both of them. The "blood child" has been invited to the wedding but the step child hasn't.

They're being treated differently and it's so clearly obvious. That step child will notice it.*

Replace "blood child" and "step child" with "child they know" and "child they don't know" and it suddenly makes sense. The step child will notice they aren't their grandparents/aunt, yes. What is not a given is whether this would upset them in any way.

They are different. You cannot force anyone to consider them to be exactly the same, and again it’s a huge assumption that all stepchildren would want that, or that understanding that they have different relatives to their siblings is beyond comprehension.

Personally I can’t imagine being a kid and being told that, because my mother/father has met someone with a child that this person is my parent now, their family my family, the child my sibling, and the child is in all ways equal to me in the eyes of my actual parent. All because of this weird desire some people have to make blended families indistinguishable from nuclear ones.

the funniest thing is that if it was in fact ever proposed that upon marriage a stepmother gained parental responsibility and was considered a parent equal to their stepchild’s actual mother in the eyes of the law then you can bet your ass there would be lot of ‘treat them like your own!’ posters losing their shit all over the place.

After 8 years of marriage and presumably longer, and still referring to step child as a CHILD, I would say they must've known this child from quite early days. They're not a 17 year old teen who they've met once or twice over a 2 year brief relationship.

Begs why they haven't bothered to get to know their step grandchild after 8+ years how sad

Maybe their actual parents should think of who they get into relationships with then and what kind of relationship they want for their kids between step parents and child.

Because it’s not their grandchild …

Your family are well within their rights to not invite her, their choice ,their wedding, however it's a shitty thing to do to exclude one member of the family unit. She is apart of your family unit and has been for 8 YEARS. Your dh is also within his right to decline his invite on this basis. It isn't emotional blackmail he is standing by his own personal morals. Giving a child a tenner without it even been given in a card at the same time as a siblings present demonstrates that they consider your step child an after thought, well done for your dh to putting his foot down and not inviting them to further celebrations. I asked what happens at Christmas and you failed to respond to that. I suspect the wedding is the final nail in the coffin for your dh. I hope he distances himself and his dd from your family. The whole drama could have been avoided if your sister included the FULL family unit and now they are being a bridezilla about your dh reaction to his child being excluded again. It's refreshing to see a dad sticking up and not allowing his child to be cast aside.

Why would they need to? They don’t need to forge a close relationship to OPs parents in law either.

They’re don’t consider it necessary to take on any familial roles in the kid’s life. Despite what many on mumsnet would like to think, which is really surprising considering these threads get poster all the fucking time, it really isn’t unusual at all.

Well the childs father hasn't got much contact with her, which has reduced further over the years, so im guessing quality time relationship building with the in-laws wasn't that high on the priority list.
And as it (understandably) wasn't a priority for him then, I'm not sure he gets to wear the shocked and outraged look when it turns out a relationship with his seldom seem child isn't a priority for the in laws either. Which leads us to the current shit show.
My brother would invite DSD to his wedding, because they have a relationship, in fact he spends vastly more time with her than her (many) blood uncles. Would I expect it of him if he didn't know her and she didn't know him? Probably not.

To be honest I think it’s pretty clear that both OP and OP’s family don’t see anyone who marries into the family as actual family - which is fine if that’s your norm.

If DH’s child isn’t family to the sister then neither is DH so begs the question of why would she be so upset at him not attending?

Well maybe it is normal in the OPs family but not in her husband's so he wasn't impressed. I wouldn't be either as it isn't normal in my family and I'd think it was rude.

Then as the parent it was entirely on him to not date someone who doesn’t share the same views. No one forced him to not just date her, but marry and have a child with her.

I didn't go to my siblings wedding because they invited my abusive ex. I didn't need an excuse I just didn't go, I certainly didn't need to explain as it was pretty obvious as it is in this case.