Page 26 | Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 2023-08-19T13:04:56+00:00

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful. Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary. Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid. My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother. So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids. My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum. My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past. My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:30

@Sueveneers You are not making me want to engage with you with repeated references to "normal people". There is more than one way of being normal.

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:31

LadyBird1973 · 20/08/2023 11:14

@Sueveneers you'd be mad to cut off your own sister (not to mention depriving your child of their own family relationships) because she doesn't view a child she barely knows as her niece/nephew.

While you have chosen to enter into a blended family situation, your parents and siblings did not - you cannot dictate that they view your stepchild in exactly the same way as the children they are biologically related to.

@Iwasafool sometimes I think MN is wrong to say you can just turn down an invitation with no conversation. Like saying 'no is a complete sentence'. It really isn't. Conversation and explanation are important in real life if people don't want to fall out with their relatives and friends

I wouldn't be cutting them off, the hateful, spiteful and nasty sister would. You seem to think a stepchild is not part of the family. That is bizarre and not how I'd think. Once I married my husband, his child would also become my child/family. We come as a package deal. That is what it's supposed to be.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:33

LadyBird1973 · 20/08/2023 11:29

I honestly think something else is going on here and it's not about the stepchild at all. I do think OPs family fall into the camp of not seeing the child as 'theirs', and this has annoyed the OPs dh. Even though he seems to not see his child 50% of the time do opportunities to build bonds have been limited anyway. I think over time, the family have maybe felt he pushes an obligation onto them that they don't feel should exist.
And the dh feels they should love his child because he's married to the OP. And he doesn't 'get' that this isn't something he can insist happens. Probably the wedding invitation wasn't meant to be a snub but the dh has taken it that way and other niggly resentments that have been bubbling away under the surface have come to a head over the wedding.
Neither 'side' is thinking about the OP very much.

If this was my wedding I'd have invited the OP's dsd. But equally I can see why the b&g didn't. I think this family needs to talk to each other because I think a lot of this might be misunderstanding and possible to resolve if both parties try to see the perspective of the other, even if they never fully agree.

Yes I think this is it. They are probably each annoyed at the others ongoing attitude. In her families shoes, I would find him tiresome too. They barely see his kid, yet he has complained they don't get them big enough gifts and continued to have an attitude about it when they paid for the child to go on holiday. I'm not surprised if they've had enough of him.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:33

MeetMyCat · 20/08/2023 10:29

Indeed. So where does the ‘but they’re faaaaaamily’ line get drawn? If my DSS had been the step child in this scenario he would probably have been quite relieved not to be attending the wedding of some people he hardly knows.

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That's why you are allowed to decline, no one has to go to a wedding they don't want to attend.

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:33

I think there are a few stepparents on here who alienate their stepchild so are trying to justify their own cruel actions.

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:35

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:33

Yes I think this is it. They are probably each annoyed at the others ongoing attitude. In her families shoes, I would find him tiresome too. They barely see his kid, yet he has complained they don't get them big enough gifts and continued to have an attitude about it when they paid for the child to go on holiday. I'm not surprised if they've had enough of him.

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Get it right. He rightfully complained that they showed up to a joint birthday party with a gift for one, and nothing for the other. Who does that, except for someone dragged up in the gutter.

And they did not pay for the holiday out of the goodness of their heart. They excluded the child, and were shamed into paying for it.

notlucreziaborgia · 20/08/2023 11:36

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:27

And some people are hyper insensitive and lack an ability to have normal human relationships with people and lack social awareness.

OP's husband "made a fuss" when his child was left out. He RIGHTFULLY made a fuss. Any normal, well-adjusted person would do. As any decent person not raised by wild ignorant animals would do.

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The amount of Victorian melodrama that gets peddled on a weekly basis about the exact same issue would alone suggest OPs situation falls squarely into the realm of normality when it comes to blended families. I’d say failing to recognize this is indicative of a lack of social awareness.

Being raised by wild ignorant animals sounds fucking excellent though.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:37

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:33

Yes I think this is it. They are probably each annoyed at the others ongoing attitude. In her families shoes, I would find him tiresome too. They barely see his kid, yet he has complained they don't get them big enough gifts and continued to have an attitude about it when they paid for the child to go on holiday. I'm not surprised if they've had enough of him.

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They didn't get the child a present. They attended a celebration for two children's birthdays.They brought a present for one child and as an afterthought gave the other child a tenner.

If I was going to a joint celebration for two children I'd take a present for both. I'd almost certainly spend a bit more on the child I knew well but I would take a present for both. I see it as polite.

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 11:38

The DH wouldn't even be getting invited if he wasn't married to the OP. She is the one related to the family. He is only invited because of that. The invitation doesn't extend to the rest of his family. It might be different if the OP considered the SC as her child and had integrated the child into the rest of her family, but that is not the case. Nor is it wrong. That is just their setup.

I have a stepmother in name only. I didn't need another mother. She is just my dad's wife. I think I met her mother once, but beyond that, I know none of her family. It would have been weird for her family to invite me to stuff. Especially on non-contact days. They are not my family.

notlucreziaborgia · 20/08/2023 11:39

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 11:33

I think there are a few stepparents on here who alienate their stepchild so are trying to justify their own cruel actions.

No one needs to justify it though, that’s the point. It isn’t necessary for you to approve of anyone else’s family setup.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:40

@Iwasafool I agreed with that before I knew they did give them money. In all honesty, I can't find much fault with that. Every relative in my life gave me money in a card once I was above the age of around 10, besides my parents. It was a pretty standard thing to give a teen. I do think it would have been better in a card at the start of the night but that's because that's what I do/am used to, I don't think it's unheard of or monstrous for other adults to do things differently and do it at the end of the night.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:42

daliesque · 20/08/2023 10:54

Well that's sad, and thankfully not all people have your attitude

Why is it sad? It did not affect the kids and it didn't affect my marriage (which ended for other,reasons) and it certainly did not affect my husband's relationship with his family.

You'll really hate me now but my current partner has kids from his marriage (even better, I was the OW). They are young adults now and I've met,them twice in the three years we've been together. He goes and sees them on his own and we're all cool,with that. I have no interest in them, they have no interest in me. If my sister was,to remarry and my partner suggested they would be invited, she'd think he was insane.

Not everyone wants this big, suffocating family bollocks where any random person is suddenly included because two people want a relationship with each other.

They might be your partners children but they aren't actually children if they are young adults so a completely different situation.

Booklistsbegone · 20/08/2023 11:43

Your DH is right. I'm not sure why you're not upset that your stepchild isn't invited?

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:44

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:40

@Iwasafool I agreed with that before I knew they did give them money. In all honesty, I can't find much fault with that. Every relative in my life gave me money in a card once I was above the age of around 10, besides my parents. It was a pretty standard thing to give a teen. I do think it would have been better in a card at the start of the night but that's because that's what I do/am used to, I don't think it's unheard of or monstrous for other adults to do things differently and do it at the end of the night.

She wasn't/isn't a teenager and just handing her a note at the end makes it clear it was an afterthought unless the younger child got nothing until the end. So a ten year old sits there at her birthday celebration and watches another child get presents, Cinderella springs to mind.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:45

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 11:38

The DH wouldn't even be getting invited if he wasn't married to the OP. She is the one related to the family. He is only invited because of that. The invitation doesn't extend to the rest of his family. It might be different if the OP considered the SC as her child and had integrated the child into the rest of her family, but that is not the case. Nor is it wrong. That is just their setup.

I have a stepmother in name only. I didn't need another mother. She is just my dad's wife. I think I met her mother once, but beyond that, I know none of her family. It would have been weird for her family to invite me to stuff. Especially on non-contact days. They are not my family.

Maybe you'd have liked to see your little sister being a flowergirl?

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 11:47

I find it more bizarre that some women think they have the right to force themselves on children just because they got with their father. "You are my child now and I am your other mother." Eh. No. I don't need another one of those, thanks.

daliesque · 20/08/2023 11:48

I wouldn't be cutting them off, the hateful, spiteful and nasty sister would. You seem to think a stepchild is not part of the family. That is bizarre and not how I'd think. Once I married my husband, his child would also become my child/family. We come as a package deal. That is what it's supposed to be.

You are taking this all way too personally. Just because some (actually id say most) families have a different way of interacting than your fantasy, then it does not mean they are wrong.

You are being over dramatic about a situation that does not involve you. You seriously need to step away and stop insulting people who dare to have a different opinion to you.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:49

She wasn't/isn't a teenager and just handing her a note at the end makes it clear it was an afterthought unless the younger child got nothing until the end. So a ten year old sits there at her birthday celebration and watches another child get presents, Cinderella springs to mind.

The 5 year old was 2, DSD is early secondary, so she was very much around that sort of age. My DSS has been getting money in a card from most besides his parents/grandparents for years, he's 10. This is pretty standard IME. The only part that wasn't was that it was at the end of the night, but again, people are used to different traditions. This could be how he was raised, I don't think it's as big a problem as people are saying.

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 11:50

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 11:45

Maybe you'd have liked to see your little sister being a flowergirl?

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As an 11/12-year-old? No. I would have had no interest in that.

2chocolateoranges · 20/08/2023 11:57

Op seems to forget that she is part of a family of 4. Her , her dh, dd and her child.
not fair that one of them gets left out.

LadyBird1973 · 20/08/2023 12:04

@Sueveneers you are missing the point. The people who marry each other take on stepchildren as part of their family. But parents/siblings of the couple, who had no say in the blending of families, might take a different view. This isn't evil! You cannot dictate how other people feel. All you can do is expect people to be nice to a child when in their presence.
And do much depends on circumstances - extended family are much more likely to see a stepchild as part of their family if they see them frequently. Not so much if they rarely cross paths. These are the consequences of choosing to split your family and create a blended one.

Now I do agree that if you go to a joint birthday party, you should buy each child a gift. I think that's good manners and I'm not saying OPs family has behaved impeccably. Possibly they didn't realise it was a joint event, but if they did then it was poor not to buy for both.

BarbieWorldFantastic · 20/08/2023 12:06

Sueveneers · 20/08/2023 10:11

No they are OP's family. Your attitude is absolutely bloody disgusting and you should ashamed.

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I’m not. It’s life.

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 12:09

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 11:49

She wasn't/isn't a teenager and just handing her a note at the end makes it clear it was an afterthought unless the younger child got nothing until the end. So a ten year old sits there at her birthday celebration and watches another child get presents, Cinderella springs to mind.

The 5 year old was 2, DSD is early secondary, so she was very much around that sort of age. My DSS has been getting money in a card from most besides his parents/grandparents for years, he's 10. This is pretty standard IME. The only part that wasn't was that it was at the end of the night, but again, people are used to different traditions. This could be how he was raised, I don't think it's as big a problem as people are saying.

It was 3 years ago if the younger child was 2 and is now 5, the older child is early secondary so anything from 11 to 13 or 14? So yes 3 years ago she wasn't a teenager.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 12:11

It was 3 years ago if the younger child was 2 and is now 5, the older child is early secondary so anything from 11 to 13 or 14? So yes 3 years ago she wasn't a teenager.

This feels very pedantic. I said about 10, then clarified my 10 year old DSS has been getting money for years. Why are you so hung up on whether she was a teenager?

Iwasafool · 20/08/2023 12:11

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 11:50

As an 11/12-year-old? No. I would have had no interest in that.

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Well OK you wouldn't, lots of girls would. I think my DD would when she was that age. She didn't have a younger sibling but did have nieces/nephews and definitely would have loved seeing them. None of us know with this particular child but what we do know is she won't have an opportunity to decide if she's interested or not.