Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

OP's nasty sister is being rigid and stubborn in not acknowledging the hurt and rift she is causing. Her bil also sounds quite controlling, stubborn and manipulative, like he is peeing on his territory to mark it or something. Both the sister and bil come across as nasty, unwelcoming and hateful to an innocent child.

Sorry, wrong!! When a person marries into a family, they become niece or nephew. That is how it is, that is how at least it should be. They barely know OP's child either but that doesn't mean they left OP's child out.

What utter bollocks. I was married for years and only met my husbands brothers kids a handful of times. I certainly don't think of them as members of my family - and since we divorced I not seen or heard from them at all, and why should I?

There have been many, many step kids on here who have spoken up and said it was hurtful being left out and not considered family. There is more than enough evidence of the damage that excluding step children causes, on this thread alone. Anyone sticking to the the OP/sister is right, after reading those accounts, is simply devoid of any humanity.

Well that's sad, and thankfully not all people have your attitude.

They don’t have to pander to the parent. It’s not on them to change to suit OP’s DH, especially when they’ve been clear where they stand on the subject for the best part of a decade.

Everything else aside, your sister has been unkind and your stepchild should have been invited. From the putside, excluding a child because they are not blood related makes her and her future husband look pretty nasty. I can understand them not having a role in the wedding, but based on this I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of such a pair personally.

I would like all children to be included for their sakes but why do people assume just because you marry someone with children already everyone will just suddenly treat the children the same, parents should think about it before all these step situations happen if they are that concerned

And there’s been plenty that wouldn’t and didn’t give a fuck about the exact same thing.

Anyone sticking to the the OP/sister is right, after reading those accounts, is simply devoid of any humanity.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe, but I agree with PPs that have said they might be feeling tired of him doing stuff like this when in their minds they have always been polite to someone they barely know, even paying for them to go on holiday.

Besides, that's not the point I was talking about. People have been very clearly saying that others have a rigid definition of family if the SM's family aren't close to their step children because they MUST refuse to acknowledge anyone that isn't blood related.

Well that's sad, and thankfully not all people have your attitude

Why is it sad? It did not affect the kids and it didn't affect my marriage (which ended for other,reasons) and it certainly did not affect my husband's relationship with his family.

You'll really hate me now but my current partner has kids from his marriage (even better, I was the OW). They are young adults now and I've met,them twice in the three years we've been together. He goes and sees them on his own and we're all cool,with that. I have no interest in them, they have no interest in me. If my sister was,to remarry and my partner suggested they would be invited, she'd think he was insane.

Not everyone wants this big, suffocating family bollocks where any random person is suddenly included because two people want a relationship with each other.

I have also seen many say it wasn't hurtful. And I haven't seen very many at all say it was hurtful who visited their dad and step parent EOW or less. It's almost always people that live with them full time or close to.

Of course they don't have to, but it would be the decent thing to do. Unless they want to fall out with sister/her husband and not see their niece any more.

So forge a faux close relationship motivated by fear, as opposed to genuinely felt affection? 😂 yeah, that sounds an attractive and healthy option for everyone. Anyone that tried to strong arm me in such a way isn’t someone I’d particularly miss from my life tbh.

Why would they fall out with OP? She understands and accepts where they’re coming from

I suppose that wouldn't be as hurtful because they wouldn't really feel part of the family anyway if they're only seeing their parent EOW or less.

In this situation though if the OP has explained how hurtful it is to her DH that the SC isn't invited then it's odd the sister won't just invite them.

I can't get my head round your sister taking such a strong stand on this - it's a family wedding of your very closest sibling - this is your own childs sister who would be invited.

Surely it's just totally petty to refuse her an invitation.

The more I read. The more I'm ahhhhhhh

Yes sc is family. Yes ex is happy to swap about weekends if stuff going on

Surely when the invite was given months ago , sister wouldn't have known if wedding was a weekend sc would or wouldn't be there

So why wasn't sc invited as a family of 4

Does your sister come to your child's birthdays parties - so that she would have met /seen sc there

Is it really such a big deal to your sister to not include a child to her wedding

Her sisters sc. so her neice

None of this step niece stuff

She's hee niece exp as you have been with her dad 8yrs + so she has been in and out of your life for 3yrs or so before you even had your daughter together

No wonder with the attitudes on here that being a step child is listed as an Adverse childhood experiences being forced to watch step siblings have treats, get presents (and if your lucky being tossed an afterthought bit of cash hours later) left out, tolerated not welcomed, uninvited , a guest in your own home all be it a part time one ...it's cruelty

@Sueveneers you'd be mad to cut off your own sister (not to mention depriving your child of their own family relationships) because she doesn't view a child she barely knows as her niece/nephew.

While you have chosen to enter into a blended family situation, your parents and siblings did not - you cannot dictate that they view your stepchild in exactly the same way as the children they are biologically related to.

@Iwasafool sometimes I think MN is wrong to say you can just turn down an invitation with no conversation. Like saying 'no is a complete sentence'. It really isn't. Conversation and explanation are important in real life if people don't want to fall out with their relatives and friends

But the step mother is and should stand up for them or not have got involved in the first place

It's not even remotely an equivalent situation. OP has been in the DSD's life since she was very young, and OP's child is the DSD's sibling. They spend time living together. Not clear how much as OP hasn't confirmed, but there is regular overnight contact.

There’s no ‘should’ about it. People are free to make their own decisions on that one, and no one else needs to like it.

She’s not her mother and isn’t required to pretend to be. If the actual parent wanted someone who would consider his child her own then he should have prioritized that years ago.

In this situation though if the OP has explained how hurtful it is to her DH that the SC isn't invited then it's odd the sister won't just invite them.

Hmm I can't fully agree with that. Some people have form for being very hypersensitive to any perceived slight to their child and it can become an absolute PITA to deal with. Given there's backstory of him making similar fuss I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case here.

Not everyone wants this big, suffocating family bollocks where any random person is suddenly included because two people want a relationship with each other.

Totally agree @daliesque

And some people are hyper insensitive and lack an ability to have normal human relationships with people and lack social awareness.

OP's husband "made a fuss" when his child was left out. He RIGHTFULLY made a fuss. Any normal, well-adjusted person would do. As any decent person not raised by wild ignorant animals would do.

I honestly think something else is going on here and it's not about the stepchild at all. I do think OPs family fall into the camp of not seeing the child as 'theirs', and this has annoyed the OPs dh. Even though he seems to not see his child 50% of the time do opportunities to build bonds have been limited anyway. I think over time, the family have maybe felt he pushes an obligation onto them that they don't feel should exist.
And the dh feels they should love his child because he's married to the OP. And he doesn't 'get' that this isn't something he can insist happens. Probably the wedding invitation wasn't meant to be a snub but the dh has taken it that way and other niggly resentments that have been bubbling away under the surface have come to a head over the wedding.
Neither 'side' is thinking about the OP very much.

If this was my wedding I'd have invited the OP's dsd. But equally I can see why the b&g didn't. I think this family needs to talk to each other because I think a lot of this might be misunderstanding and possible to resolve if both parties try to see the perspective of the other, even if they never fully agree.