Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Lol. They don’t need an excuse. She isn’t their niece or granddaughter and nor are they obliged to pretend she is.

No excuses, all you want, but still not true.

Why is it such a big deal for your sister to just invite one extra child? I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t have done that in the first place? Plus if she doesn’t back down here it’s going to have a lingering problem for your family, it won’t be over after the wedding, it will affect family Christmas, events etc for years to come.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your sister and ask if he can come, even offer to pay the extra.

Some people seem to get great satisfaction out of making a point of excluding a child, when the much easier and kinder thing is to include them as part of the family. It's hard to understand tbh. It's a reflection on the family and not on the SC, but I'm sure the childish able to see it that way. OP's concern seems to be her sister is annoyed, which says it all.

As someone who didn't grow up with step anything, I was agreeing with you/your sister initially OP. However, after reading all the comments I do believe that SC should be treated as part of the family completely... I'd have another word with your sister.

It sounds like some damage has been done to people on here who weren't treated as such, you've been together a long time.

I also thing all this stuff about it not being “his” contact weekend is a complete red herring. It’s a big family occasion which is about more than just the day. Surely you’d just send the invite and if DSD declines, fine, but at least they’d know they’d been included?

Absolutely. And why had OP and sister not discussed and sorted this beforehand. If they are close enough for DD to be FG, surely they've discussed the guestlist and family invitations.

Still can't get over the joint birthday dinner thing where OPs parents only brought a proper present for their biological grandchild, and then handed the 10 year-old stepdaughter a 10 pound note at the end of the night and the OP thinks that's OK!

They are the OP husbands family.
They are nothing to BIL, just someone you be nice too when you see them.

We are always being told on here that you shouldn't ask to have children included. He didn't make a fuss, he just turned down an invitation which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, like they say it's an invitation not a summons.

The SIL and her new husband are causing a rift in the family but I'm sure "their day" is worth it.

There are some cold fish on MN and unfortunately alot of them appear to be step parents.

The older child is the OPs step child, she is not a step sister she is a half sister, they are blood relatives, they have the same father. Maybe you don't understand the difference or maybe you don't actually see what you think you see.

No they are OP's family. Your attitude is absolutely bloody disgusting and you should ashamed.

Yes and I'm shocked that so many people seem to think that is not just OK but the OPs husband should think it is some great gesture.

Poor kid, I hope the father puts his children first and gets out of this toxic family.

You know my husband can be a pain in the backside at times but as a step father and step grandfather I can't fault him. When his first blood grandchild was born he was horrified that people thought it was his first GC as he'd had GC for years. There are step parents who don't exclude kids and thank God for that.

By that logic so is OP’s mother in law, and I doubt she’s invited either.

Oh absolutely ❤️

Um, I think OP's immediate family with her husband is different. You're being silly.

I'm not sure what I think about the wedding invitation but if it was me I would just invite SC.
But I do think it's very unkind of your parents not to give a birthday gift to SC when they attend joint birthday meals. It must be hurtful for SC to see your child getting a present while they are ignored.

Indeed. So where does the ‘but they’re faaaaaamily’ line get drawn? If my DSS had been the step child in this scenario he would probably have been quite relieved not to be attending the wedding of some people he hardly knows.

Not at all, the mother in law is family OP gained incidental to her marriage, the same as her stepdaughter .

Her own family is not obliged to consider the stepdaughter as a granddaughter or niece. Of course you can think they should as much as you like, but that doesn’t mean they have to or will.

My dad has a couple of kids from a previous relationship before he met my mother. They were around in our childhood but never favoured above us - which seems to be the aim of many people on MN. They had their family, we had ours and we shared a dad. We all bumped along pretty well together.

They were certainly not invited to any of my maternal family's weddings etc. Why would they have been? They weren't part of that side of the family. Obviously we would all go to dads sides parties and so on. And then they had their mothers own family too.

We were doing this from an early age - all mine and my siblings lives and from about 10 and 8 for my half brother and sister.

We still rub along ok now, but they have their own lives and families and we have ours.

What my dad would never have done though is miss out on one of us younger kids doing something special just because his older kids weren't involved (because it wasn't their family). So yeah this guy is manipulative and childish and favouring one child over another.

How horrible. I can’t believe you are siding with your family to exclude your step child and have been supporting this behaviour for years. So unkind. In your position I wouldn’t go to the wedding at all…it would be all the children, neither of them or none of us - I would stand up for my own family.
I hope none of the other wedding guests get wind of how your family have been excluding the SC - this would leave a bad taste in many of the guests mouths - I would certainly think poorly of the bride and groom for this nasty behaviour.

Someone said upthread that some people have rigid views of what "family" means, ie only blood relatives, whereas others are more fluid. I think this thread has very much demonstrated that there is an awful lot of rigidity in the other direction. There are so many people saying "you are a family of four", as if that can only mean one thing.

It's nothing to do with blood in my opinion and I don't think anyone has implied that - it's just about who knows who and who has a relationship, which can vary greatly compared to a nuclear family.

Because we are a blended family, we accept that means our way of being a family of four is different to what it would be in a nuclear family. We accept that we have some things that are shared between all of us, and some things unique to different members of the family. We accept that our "unit" is fluid, in some scenarios it will be four, but in others it will be three. Nobody bats an eye about that. We don't beat ourselves up about our family not being identical to a non blended family, as we respect that the circumstances are just different, but those circumstances don't mean we aren't a family when we are all together.

I find it ironic that so many can in the same breath say "you are a family of four, I can't understand why that doesn't mean exactly what it means for a traditional nuclear family", and "other people are being rigid".

The rigidity comes when part of the family is made aware that excluding one child is hurtful to the parent. That, at that point, is when the excluder should consider it and allow the child to be included. If a family member contacts you and says 'my husband is upset that my stepdaughter is excluded', then the nice thing would be for the other person to acknowledge that, not be so rigid, and change so as not to hurt someone.