Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. I wouldn't invite my siblings partners child, who I don't know, to my wedding. If they wanted their child to really be part of the family I'd have expected to know them well by now. It's like your husbands only wants to whip out the child for special occasions, for photos.

In 8 years your family have barely met her seems strange unless you only see them infrequently? They are your childs sibling as well , ai think your dh is right here and your family in the wrong. Who excludes a child for years

Also my nephews SF still saw him regularly when he and nephews mum split up as he was his stepdad for 8/9 years and maintained the relationship as they both had a bond and my sil was more than happy for that as she divorced him not her son, so some step parents do stay involved . Despite what some on here say,

I wouldn’t attend a wedding without my daughter.

Ha one of those AIBU threads.
OP 'AIBU?'
Majority' yes you are'
OP ' No I'm not you're all wrong, I'm right'
Collective sigh.

As a SC who has been excluded by my step family and step mother all of my life, I can say that this is unfair. I see examples of step families where the children are included in events etc and it makes sense and helps the families to bond. Missed opportunity in extending your family and in making your sc feel welcome. I like that your partner is putting his foot down and standing up for you. Wish my dad had done this for me.!

@TheOriginalGilmoregirl

Has anyone actually asked the step child what they want? Seems quickest way to resolve this. The fact that your Dsis and BIL aren't prepared to even consider it is the bigger tell here, rather than the actual mechanics of whether the step child turns up. Lots of people turn down invites for weddings but given the closeness of your family, it seems odd not to extend an invitation at the very least. That is the bit I can't understand. (That and the approach to the birthday present).

You might not feel your step child is loveliness and light. They may not even 'appear' to be that interested in your family, but when a family takes on step children that is the bit you just accept. I was horrid to SM was a teenager. We have an amazing relationship now.

Even after your update I am still with your DH here and I think if no one will budge you are just going to have to live with it.

But the poster we're talking about goes out of their way to press upon people how their family works and how that's the norm.

No, I don't. As many have said, I go out of my way to say there are lots of different kind of families and that's fine. The way my family operates is A norm, among many. It's posters like yourself, like the majority on this thread, that have taken a "this is not the norm so it is wrong approach". That anybody can't see that is astonishing.

This would be such a self absorbed view of the invite, though. It shows a failure to understand the obvious about why he himself is invited - ie, he's the plus one of OP, not an honoured guest whose whole family they want there. Where's the self awareness?

And it isn't about what he would hope to get out of it - ie, the kids having a chance to bond. This isn't a reasonable reason to expect an invite. The event is about celebrating the couple, not turning it into a day out for the family with different aims.

The event is about celebrating the couple, not turning it into a day out for the family with different aims.

I guess it's true that a wedding is a way of showing family and friends who you are as a couple, inviting them to come and celebrate you. In this case their brother-in-law is looking at what they've shown him and is saying he doesn't see anything to celebrate.

When you and your DH married, your stepchild became your family, and your family's family. It's a blended family, but a family none the less. It is selfish and wrong of your sister not to see you stepchild as her niece/nephew. It's your bil and sister that are being manipulative. If my husband's daughter wasn't invited to my sister's wedding, not only would my husband not go, but NONE of us would go, in solidarity. I wouldn't go to my sister's wedding, and I would pull my daughter out of being flower girl. We come as a package. All for one, one for all. ALL of us go, or none of us go. Your sister sounds like a real bitch, and your prospective bil sounds manipulative and controlling and I wouldn't want my sister with someone like him.

Bottom line is your stepDC is your sister's nephew/niece, and that's how the should be treated. Your husband has every right to feel hurt, but especially as his OWN WIFE won't even have his back. Give your head a wobble, wake up to yourself, and decline the invite for ALL of you. FFS what is wrong with you?!??b You whole entire family sound like truly nasty pieces of work who are prejudiced and discriminate along blood lines. Your poor husband deserves better.

But apparently it's posters like me who have a one size fits all definition of family that they think everyone else has to adhere to 😂

I think this sums it up. Step families can be so tricky, but they key seems to be inclusivity - if you treat someone like a second class family member i can insight it’s extremely hurtful.

the wedding invite, no bday gift. Think the issue is your family and their response to your blended family, not your husband who is rightly protecting his child who he sees as being (continuously?) marginalised.

OPs step child isn’t the DCs step sister/brother, they have the same dad, so technically half sister/brother, but I would imagine known as “sister” or “brother”.

I am so sorry you had this experience. You deserve better 😘

What is annoying my sister is that child is due back with their mother the weekend of wedding so no need to extend an invitation

But it wouldn't have occurred to your sister at the time she was sending out invites to say to you and BIL, 'is xx going to be with you because of course they'll be very welcome if so'? If she'd been nice enough to do that there'd be no problem now.

Completely dramatic and over the top.

The step child isn’t their Niece or nephew. They don’t even know her.

They probably planned it for a weekend that the child wouldn't be there....

Sorry, wrong!! When a person marries into a family, they become niece or nephew. That is how it is, that is how at least it should be. They barely know OP's child either but that doesn't mean they left OP's child out.

NO excuses!

You can say wrong all you like but that doesn’t mean anything. Some family’s have a set up like you say and others do not.
My dc don’t call my brothers wife their auntie, they call her by her name but they call my brother uncle.

Thry don’t know the step kids at all. They are just her partners kid.

Not being in the UK, I find it strange that they have this class-tiered wedding with TWO separate receptions, wasting so much extra money, just so they can invite some colleague they don't really know and the local hairdresser, dogwalker, postman - but cannot invite a member of their own family because they aren't blood-related. It's absolutely bizarre and shows the messed up priorities.

They are just her partners kid.

That is absolutely a disgusting and horrible thing to say! He is her husband. Not just some partner, and they are a blended family. They are married. They are family.

Ok they are just her husbands kids.

They are hers as well as they are a FAMILY.

Your h is right to back off. Your family are cold and unwelcoming. It sounds like he needs to get his ducks in a row