Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I agree that it seems the dh wants it all his way, despite not even seeing his child 50% of the time himself.

If you get invited to things but can't attend the normal thing to do is decline the invite, you don't expect the person inviting you to sort out your other commitments.

The entire agenda is ‘not all families operate in the same way, and nor do they have to’. Apparently that isn’t a controversial statement, up until a stepparent doesn’t act in the prescribed way.

Thankyou notlucreziaborgia and to the other posters who have pointed out similar, glad it isn't lost on everyone!

@Iwasafool he's not being forced. But he does have a second child who will be a flower girl - he's cutting his nose off to spite his face if he chooses to miss this because his other child (that he isn't even due to have on that day) wasn't invited!

I'd agree that if it was his weekend then the sister should invite both children, but it isn't and so she didn't.

But yes, he has the right to sit in his own at home all weekend and upset his wife and miss his younger child being a flower girl if he wants

It doesn't seem like that to me. He declined an invitation as anyone is entitled to do. OP stirred it by asking if step child could have an invite and then the family decided he was being manipulative.

He doesn't seem to have demanded anything, just decided if the whole family wasn't going he wouldn't.

Yes he can just like his sister in law and her husband to be can dig their heels in and exclude a child.

But the poster we're talking about goes out of their way to press upon people how their family works and how that's the norm.

If you're husband is an EOW part time father and you can't be arsed with your step kids then just own it rather that going round the houses.

Anyway, nice chatting. I'm off to bed.

Good luck to OP and the family.

Hmmmm

I’m very much in the ‘your sister is awful’ camp.

If I were you, I wouldn’t be going.

But who misses out @Iwasafool ? It makes no real difference to sil if OPs dh is there or not. It's her wedding so she'll have a fab day regardless. But OP will be sad and the dd will not have her dad see her being a flower girl and dh will spend the weekend without any of his family.

I honestly don't see it as Sil excluding dsd. I think they didn't invite her because they knew she was supposed to be with her own mum on that date, but OP's dh has got the arse over it, even though sil barely knows dsd and so he's turned down the invitation, making it a bigger deal than it ought to have been . In turn this has annoyed sil who has dug her heels in over it (not to upset dsd but because she thinks OPs dh is being a bit chippy).
The whole thing could have been avoided probably by the dh saying to sil that his dd would love to come and would they please invite her. It's the turning down of the invitation without a conversation that has led sil to think he's thrown his toys out of the pram and now she's also refusing to budge.

Maybe because it is the norm for a lot of families, despite what many on mumsnet like to think, and despite the diktats they clearly believe themselves to be in a position to levy.

I’ve never seen her tell anyone how their family should be, only ever point out that different things work for different people in response to the aforementioned one rule for all diktats.

but sure, the poster that respects the rights of individuals to decide what is best for their own situations and relationships is the one with the weird agenda, as opposed to the posters haranguing and wishing suffering on anyone that doesn’t aspire to their ideals.

I went to a family wedding where this exact scenario played out, 2DD’s were the brides nieces and bridesmaids and the SD wasn’t invited. Frankly most of the guests thought it was disgusting behaviour and we still talk about it now. The couple who’s children they were have now split up, spin part due to the behaviour towards SD.

Perhaps your BIL has a point op, it is a very specific accusation.
Your DH did exclude your parents from a joint party even though your father gave DSC some money for her birthday ( although that's apparently not good enough for some )
AND they paid for his DD to go on holiday.

Are there any other instances he has tried to minimise contact between you and your family? Has he tried to ruin/control your DDs relationship with your family at all?

But OP will be sad and the dd will not have her dad see her being a flower girl and dh will spend the weekend without any of his family.

He might be able to see his dd in the dress in the morning, or when it was tried on, or when the wedding is over. Being a flower girl is just wearing a pretty dress so they won’t be missing out on much over it.

The OP might be sad but she’s showing very little understanding of her husband’s reasonable position so she’s bringing her sadness on by herself. She’s favouring the opinion of the sister who could solve the problem in a heartbeat if she wanted to.

I would find it really strange if I was invited to a wedding with one of my children invited but not the other (if I had two) so I can see your dh's perspective

The only way this would maybe be 'ok' would be if only immediate family children were invited as they were flower girl/ page boys like 2-3 kids max. But even then it's a bit odd.

I wonder what my ex would do if he was invited to a wedding with his (imaginary) future DP and dc and my son wasn't invited to go with them, I don't think he'd like that at all I think he'd want to bring both kids to a nice family event and would see it as a chance for all the kids to bond

OP, I think you finding it acceptable that your stepchild is excluded from the wedding makes clear that, when push comes to shove, you don’t consider them part of your family. I think there’s every chance that, by attending, you will irreparably damage your relationships with your stepchild and DP, if you haven’t done so already.

How they are 'referred to' is different from the logical reality.
OP's DC may refer to their step-sister as their 'sister'.
However, they know they're not their 'full' sister because DSC isn't always there. There may be a difference in things they get, parenting standards, etc. Things that apply to OP's child that don't apply to DSC, because she doesn't get to make those decisions as a stepmum. And vice-versa.

Obviously this doesn't apply to any child that lives with the family full time , adopted, step, whatever. Or almost full-time. OR where step-parents are allowed considerable responsibility as though it's their own.

Otherwise children aren't stupid and anybody with eyes can see the difference. This thread is about the perceived ill-treatment of the step child but in other cases the step-child may have more expensive things or go away on holiday more often because their other parents is more well-off. It would be disingenuous to pretend thre was no difference at all...

But what were the living arrangements? Was the SD there most of the time?

I think it also sends a clear message to both kids when DC5 is told that DSC isn't invited to the wedding because she isn't family.

Custody arrangements don't determine being family or not. We don't even know how much custody time DSC is with her dad but even if it is weekends, she is still his daughter. I don't think the amount of time makes any difference. Just like the hours married parents work don't determine how much of a parent they are or to what degree their children are part of their family. It is clear she isn't family due to not being blood. More time in the house won't make her family or a blood relative. If you don't accept step children as part of the family, that isn't going to change if they percentage of time they are there changes - they still have the same relationships to everyone involved. They are still a step child.

DHs Dad is actually his SF and has been in his life since age 4. He has a bio Dad who he sees occasionally buy it was SF who raised him and yes he's being treated in the will same as SFs biological DD.

My DHs SF is also a wonderfully doting grandfather to our two children. My own grandfather wasn't my biological grandfather either and we were incredibly close.

I think its such a shame when someone comes into a young child's life as a SP and then treats them like a second class citizen. I've seen the brutality of it on here.

Bit in your case it wound be new imaginary step mums family event. Your son may not see them at all or know them beyond a passing hello occasionally.

Would you really expect him to be invited, particularly if it was your week to have them.

Surely your sister can afford one more person or is she hard up?

Your SC is caught in the middle of it not a good look on your family. They sound horrible and mean.

I don't think it's a binary distinction between 'family' and 'not family'.
The strength of relationships aren't determined by blood... it's the amount of effort. For example, had the sister only invited 'wedding party children', meaning, say OP's brother's kids aren't invited as he isn't that close to her that's not because they are not family. They don't have much of a relationship.

There are 2 reasons why this an issue:
a) One cannot claim that a step-parent is a 'full parent' only when it suits them. If DSC is indeed OP's daughter then OP is well within her rights to interact with her as she sees fit including discipline etc. Unfortunately she can't do that... if you look at other threads on here step-parent is always told to leave it up to the bio parent and/or told they shouldn't do things that are contradictory to bio parents!

b) A step-child that OP's family don't get to see that often naturally won't have much of a relationship with them - but also the child isn't going to be sitting at home alone while the rest of the family's out enjoying themselves! They will be at their mum's.

Of course points a) and b) don't apply if the child is there so often they are already integrated as part of the family and have ample opportunity to form bonds.

I get that you're in the 'everyone is family' camp and 'everyone should be invited to everything' but step-mums are always given a kicking on here. Have a look at other threads... they are told not to interfere with or impose on the SC but when it comes to nice things suddenly it's faaaaaamily.

Just what MN is like I guess. Very odd.

This is difficult. All families are different. In my family I know that step-children would be invited to a wedding in the circumstances you describe. However, in your family this is not the norm.

From your posts it seems that neither your husband or your family is willing to compromise. Which means that they need to accept the full consequences of their decisions. However, it is going to be hard. I think the relationship between your husband and your family is going to be very strained for quite a while (and may never recover). Both your husband and your family also need to realise the emotional impact and stress this will have on you. There are no easy answers.