Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Yep, everytime!

As though every family is the the same as her EOW father husband!

I've heard and been to many....

• Child-free weddings
• Children-invited weddings
• Adult and babe-in-arms only weddings

But I've never been to a wedding where the hosts pick and chose which individual young children within the family of each invited adult couple can attend based on how well they know or care about them......

As though every family is the the same as her EOW father husband!

Oh the irony...

I find it odd, my brother remarried. He had no children but his new wife had three 18,16 and 12…. I just immediately introduced them as my nieces and nephews when we met people together and my children know they are their cousins. Family is family to me

Is that not literally the point she makes? That not every family, blended or indeed nuclear, is or has to be the same?

For some people, there's a very fluid approach to what constitutes family, whereas others only consider blood relatives as theirs! Neither is wrong, they are just different.
OPs family is obviously the latter. And that's okay - they didn't choose a blended family situation. So long as they are nice to the stepchild when they do see them, the dh doesn't have a right to expect more.
You can't force people into feelings and relationships.

It would seem that OPs family set up is more or less the same as Sofas though, so her comments are more relevant than many.
I also can't understand why people can't understand that the wider relationships of step child you see EOW or less are not going to be the same as one who is resident or 50/50.

Even if dsd was invited, there's no guarantee mum would agree to swap weekends. She might also take a view that she doesn't want to miss a weekend with her dd (who will have been away for the last couple of weeks with dad) just do dad can go to the wedding of a step aunt that she barely sees!

This was covered off in the very first post. The mum would be willing to swap.

In our family, we've already treated stepchildren the same as biological children. Birthdays, weddings, Christmas - they're invited to the same events and get the same standard of gifts.

Nope, this poster comes on every step parent thread to make it clear her husband only bothers with his kids EOW and therefore his kids are not part of her family.

Jeeeeeeezus. Just invite the stepchild/ask your sis to. Why make such a big deal of all the reasons not to?? Get over all of them and all have a nice day all together. Life is way way too short.

I can't believe your sister didn't invite your stepchild. Imagine inviting mum, dad and 1 of the kids, but not the other 🤦🏽‍♀️

I'd refuse to attend a wedding if all my kids weren't invited, but it sounds like you don't consider your stepchild to be on the same level as your own child.

I’ve send Sofa on a number of threads, same as I’ve seen other posters. Not sure why that requires policing.

and that doesn’t negate the point, does it? The point being that not every step family operates in the same way, and nor do they need to.

OP, I was struck by you saying your DC knows your step child is their half sibling. I and even my DC have half siblings. I know other people with half siblings. They are never referred to as half siblings - just as brothers and sisters, even though I never even really lived with mine. I think the fact you even mention the 'half' to your dc says a lot about how you view them.

It doesn't need policing. It's just facts that no matter the scenario that's how sofa feels. Which is fine.

It's also fine for other posters to notice a pattern and point it out.

My best friend has three children aged 16-5
Oldest is a different father to the youngest two.
When they got to a point of being in a serious relationship he met her son and from then he was included. His parents buy for him each Christmas, birthday, general treats same as they do with the two who are 'their own'
He spends time with both parents however he is included in ALL family occasions, days out, holidays - same as the other two.
My friend did tell them early on they didn't have to however the grandads response was - what sort of arsehole would exclude a child - he didn't ask to have a different parent to the others.

This is my thoughts - when you meet someone with a child regardless of them spending 2 hours or 2 weeks at a time with them - you accept them into your life. Anyone who cannot accept anothers child should not be with that person.

Well done to your husband I would also decline the invite if one child was treat differently to the other.

Yes, and? Does ‘poster comments on situation relevant to her life experience’ particularly need pointing out?

There’s also posters that bang the opposite drum across step-parenting threads.

What's your point?

Posts have stood out to a couple of people for the same reason and its been pointed out because it is on so many threads. It stands out because it comes across as some sort of weird agenda. Now that poster is entitled to their opinion as are those that disagree.

I don't understand what you're trying to achieve here?

Your family is very badly behaved towards your step child , probably because you read used to say anything for years . Your hubby is right

@Aprilx the husband says his ex will give him the time, as has happened in the past, but I don't think he's actually asked her, just assumed. She may well not want to or have plans already.

I think your DH is manipulative and controlling. He decided to exclude your parents from their grandchilds birthday because your dad gave his child money? He's clearly not bothered trying to get his child to know your wider family (your BIL hasn't even met her!)
And now he's doing his absolute best to ensure you don't enjoy your sisters big day. What about his other daughter? Does he not want to see her take part in the wedding? Does he usually prioritise his older child over his youngest?

‘Weird agenda’ lol, okay hun.

The entire agenda is ‘not all families operate in the same way, and nor do they have to’. Apparently that isn’t a controversial statement, up until a stepparent doesn’t act in the prescribed way.

What I’m trying to achieve here? Well, mainly I’m trying to figure out how being prolific on step parenting threads negates the points made.

And you can't force people to go to weddings if they don't want to.

I think there is a difference between giving all of your nephews £20 and giving them all the gift together, rather than giving two of them a gift and then at the end of the night passing the one that didnt get a gift a £10/20 note. Feels to me like an after thought.