Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I think we can assume that if the DH is taking a stand by not going that he thinks it will have some kind of negative effect on his child if he does.

Or, if we do take it that the step daughter won’t care either way, the OPs husband is still clearly hurt that his child hasn’t been welcomed into his wife’s family as much as he’d like so he’s decided he doesn’t want to make the effort for them either. Fair enough imo. Maybe eight years ago, he was hopeful that time would bring a closer extended family for both his children and now he’s disappointed.

Why did you post unless you were looking for everyone to agree with you?

So what if the OPs dd feels sad that her sister is off dressed up going to whatever or going on holiday with her mum or having a day at the zoo with her cousins on her mums side etc etc. This is just what happens when there are multiple different families in each other's orbit. You just say that's x childs aunt not yours, you get to go to your aunts weddings don't you? Kids aren't stupid, they realise that not everyone is related to everyone. It's really easy to explain.

Or he’s using it as an excuse to get out of going himself. Who knows, but if we’re making assumptions…

Seems a huge risk to leave something to chance that’s supposedly so important to him, especially when they haven’t made any moves to suggest they will. That one’s on him.

I suppose it depends, if the younger child got a present worth £10 or £15 and the SDC got a tenner OK, if it's a joint party and one child gets a £100 gift and the other gets a tenner it isn't OK. If their birthdays were months apart or celebrated separately different values aren't relevant but at a joint party I think they are.

OP has made clear the stepchild won’t even be there to see her sibling & stepmum get dressed up to attend the wedding!! She will be at her mum’s!

And no, what happens in the other family is NOT irrelevant! If it’s okay for the sister to attend her mum’s family events without her sibling, then it’s okay for sister and stepmum to attend the wedding of a relative, without a child who won’t even be at their house at the time, and who has zero relationship with her.

The trouble with this, is that it's increasingly looking like the OP, who's had the child in her family since she was 5 years old, is part of the "not everyone" you mention.

"And you don't even have them for that time anyway." How lovely for the young girl to know she's a commodity that can be moved in and out of different families at the whim of the adults involved.

The bride and groom don't have to invite the child, the OPs husband doesn't have to attend. People getting married seem to think everyone should bow to their wishes, he's accepted his child isn't invited they have to accept he isn't going.

He probably just can't be arsed to attend so fancies a nice quiet weekend after 2 weeks away.

my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild
^
Really?

Anyway, your sis is unreasonable .but the whole set up doesn't sound like step child has been bonded into the family.^

And that’s completely fine. She doesn’t have to be in love with the child. She just has to be nice to her.

Thats the life of going between parents and having separated parents.

It is relevant. The younger child isn't part of her step sister's mother's family, the step child is or should be part of the OPs family.

It's a big occasion for the family - it's such a shame that one young girl cannot be included in a wedding and see the happiness that such an occasion is MEANT to bring to everyone. I'm certainly not one of those who shout "when you get married to a man with children already blah blah.." but this just seems so sad @TheOriginalGilmoregirl . I think you are deluding yourself that your little 4 year old will not wonder or ask why NAME isn't coming.

If children are invited, which some are, the usual polite thing is to invite the four of you as a family. Doesn’t matter if they don’t know your step child that well, you just invite the family of 4 if you’re inviting 3. It’s not like you have 5 step children and it influences numbers significantly - it’s a family of 3 going up to 4 so shouldn’t be a problem.

I imagine the step child isn’t fussed either way, and should have been free to decline, but she definitely should have been invited. It sounds like your dh and your sisters future dh are locking horns over something that shouldn’t have been an issue. If they’d invited the child, she probably would have declined anyway. I can see your dh pov really that he wants the child invited - but he’s cutting off his nose to spite his face not bothering to watch his youngest be a flower girl etc.

@JANEY205

Yes that’s absolutely horrible. Do you not know any of your in-laws then? They are only family because you got married. Do you not know your siblings partners or aunts and uncles by marriage? You sound horrible!

I think you are on the wrong tangent here. I'm not talking about my inlaws. I'm talking about a sibling's step child. I'd just have zero interest in them beyond normal social politeness.

I mean you meet extended inlaw family at weddings and so on but beyond that no. I don't know aunts and uncles by marriage - why would anyone care? I agree with @notlucreziaborgia

I think it's odd that you think that sounds horrible. You might disagree and have a big blended family that all get on step inlaws, real inlaws, first and second wives but to describe it as 'horrible' is really extreme.

IMO it would be an unfortunate that a sibling decided to make their life with someone who already had children tbh because it makes life more difficult and more complicated for the sibling for lots of reasons - husband's relationship with mother of the child, sibling's relationship with mother of child, husband's time & emotional commitment to another child nothing to do with the sibling, husband's financial commitment to another child and so on. Not to mention holidays, Christmas etc. Most people who want to have a family - their first choice would be to have a life partner that was doing all that with them for the first time.

If it's their choice, it's their choice but it's not what I'd wish for a sibling. If they choose that, I definitely wouldn't be interested in developing a relationship with the step child at all. Odds are they'll probably separate anyway (a man who has left a woman he has a child with) is really not a safe bet - the best indicator of future performance is past performance.

Repeat that I am talking about a 'step aunt' relationship here - so step child of my sibling. Just honestly wouldn't be interested beyond being polite and socially appropriate.

Invite your step son FFS! In my family there’s lots of stepchildren and stepparents and we never exclude stepchildren from family weddings.

If anything this will give your stepson a chance to meet and socialise with his extended family.

Why? The stepchild has a full time mum, she does not even live with op and her dad most of the time. Which is likely why she is going away with her dad for a week, by herself. I would agree with the indignation if stepchild lived with them and was excluded, but it sounds as though she is there infrequently and therefore has no relationship with her stepmum’s family. Hopefully, if she has a stepdad she lives with most of the time, she is part of HIS family.

I’m with your sister on this
She hardly knows your stepchild and it’s her wedding to choose who to invite
If it was a weekend when your stepchild was with you that would be a bit different but it’s not.
I honestly can’t see anything wrong with not inviting her
i think your husband is being very petty not to see your daughter as a flower girl

How often does your DH have the stepchild and how often are they at their mother's?

If DSC is hardly ever looked after by DH then fair enough.
Otherwise it's a bit mean of your sister not to invite DSC.

That’s a good point that I hadn’t considered! Maybe after two weeks of family holidays he’s spotted the opportunity for an empty, quiet house for the day so he’s taken the valid excuse he’s been handed and run with it.

👏👏👏

I loathe the usual 'poor step child' threads. They are not the most important person in the world, the subsequent family matters, and no, the step family don't have to put them first.

However. It's one child at a wedding. The brides sisters step child. Why is inviting him/her such a no no? Seems super mean and petty. It's just a fun, close family event. My
DD is a SD on both sides and I would be disgusted if any side treated her as such an outsider. They are only doing it because you think it's reasonable, OP. Stand up for your stepchild and ask why inviting one tween would be an issue?

I have to say I'm fairly gobsmacked at some of the attitude towards young step-children in general on this thread.

The OP has been married for 8 years. Presumably they were dating for a period of time prior to that, and also made the effort to introduce the husband's daughter to OP for a sensible amount of time before making a committment to each other.

You'd therefore think that she has probably been in this child's life since she was around 2-3 years old.

OP has been deliberately vague about the amount of time she has spent with her not-so-dear stepchild, but even if it was one weekend a month, that is still a massive, massive part of this child's life growing up.

For this girl to not be considered an automatic invite from OPs sister speaks volumes about the attitude OP must have had in terms of their relationship from such a young age. OP seems more worried about the reaction of her soon to be brother in law rather than the feelings of a child who's been an integral part of her life for the last 10 or more years.

I really don't think you can have it both ways, so would predict that this attitude is going to have some significant downsides when the young girl gets a bit older and cotton's on to how she's been thought of by the woman that forced herself into her life when she was a toddler.....

It's obvious that only the DH sees his child as part of the family.

Eta say the dsd sees dad every other weekend

So 26 tines a year

In this time she also needs to see her dads side of the family. Grandparents plus dad has a brother with kid. Maybe other cousins

So see them every so often.

Why would they want to spend special time with dad seeing people related to step mum? Occasionally maybe but not that often.