Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

This is my first post, people have run with the idea that my family didn’t get stepchild a present. My father gave them £10 or 20 at the end of the evening. This is my dad’s practice when he sees my cousin’s kids. My husband a whole year later, was minded to mention he thought it demonstrated a lack of thought. I completely disagree.

So unless I've completely misunderstood, your dad DID give SDC a present (quite a generous one imho, especially since someone earlier, suggesting that your family is mean, said 'how much effort is it to stick £5 in a card') but it wasn't good enough for your DH?

And SDC gets a four day holiday alone with dad, then a couple more days with dad, uncle and cousin, but your joint DC gets left out?

If DH is going to have a strop about SDC not being invited, pot and kettle spring to mind. Especially as I bet the holiday won't be the first time SDC has done something that your child didn't get to do.

Sorry op but I think that's so wrong. Assuming the child you have with DH will be going? Ie the half sibling of your SC? How do you think she would feel knowing her dad and sibling were invited and she wasn't? Regardless whether your sister/BiL know her or not, the right thing to do is have your SC there as well (her own sister and father are invited). Even if she is usually with her mother on that day, at least invite her.

I totally agree with your DH on everything including the birthday presents, your SC should be treated the same as your DC with your DH. It must be heartbreaking for him to see his child (your SC) excluded by your family, while your DC together is considered family.

It kind of sounds like her a$$hole parents have been turning up to this child's joint birthday parties, so I'd say they kind of f**king have haven't they?

I wonder if OP’s and husband’s child would be invited to the wedding of her husband’s ex’s sister, and is included in most of husband’s ex’s family events? Because if op’s sister is obligated to invite SC, it should go both ways, and both kids should be included in all family events celebrated by the ex’s family, and the step-mum’s family.

It kind of sounds like her a$$hole parents have been turning up to this child's joint birthday parties, so I'd say they kind of fking have haven't they?

That's a very, very small amount of contact.

OMG I would never have started this thread if I knew it was going to start a fight between other posters.

I actually didn’t know there was a step-parenting thread.

I will definitely return to the thread tomorrow but for now my child is not going to be damaged by her paternal sibling’s absence from her maternal aunt’s wedding. I imagine she has wits enough to know that all of her relatives aren’t related to one another. This leads me on to how I would feel if my child was excluded in a stepfamily scenario; I might be upset but again I would have wits enough to know that the people excluding won’t feel the same about my child as I do.

As for my sister and BiL I think an invitation would have been extended if my stepchild lived with me even 50:50 but they don’t. I wish my husband hadn’t declined before I asked them as they now feel especially BilL, that my husband is manipulative.

None of my family deliberately excludes my stepchild but doubt they cross their consciousness very often and trust me my stepchild’s self esteem and sense of worth is not predicated on a lack of a wedding invitation from my sister.
I will revisit the thread in the morning but I don’t think I will have anything to add particularly. I hope the thread and my family trauma will calm down.

Way to make a child feel left out. I'm with your DH on this one.

Fair enough for a couple of years but for eight years, almost a decade - for the OPs sister barely to have seen the child and Bil never to have met them ever says no effort has been made whatsoever to include the child.

If my sister had a step child who’s life she’s been in for that long and DH had never ever met them I would think that completely bizarre - especially if this sister was close enough to be so involved with her wedding and have my daughter as a flower girl.

The Elephant in the room is just as your family cba with your your husband’s child, your husband cba with your family.
Enjoy the wedding with your family.

Each update makes you (and your family) sound worse!

im just thankful that my nieces step family accept her as part of their own. It’s a shame not all families have enough love to go around everyone in it!

I wish my husband hadn’t declined before I asked them as they now feel especially BilL, that my husband is manipulative.

I don’t think he’s manipulative, but I think this situation blowing up has been a long time in the making, over the eight entire years you’ve had to make your step child part of your family, I guess it’s too late now.

Oh dear. I gave my nephews £20 at Christmas. I thought I was being nice, perhaps I offended them.
They clearly don't see their step grandchild very often and thought money was a safe option as then the child could buy something she'd actually like.

None of my family deliberately excludes my stepchild

OP, the whole thread is about your family, i.e. your sister, excluding your stepchild.

I am a stepchild, a stepmother, and a step-grandmother. Thankfully, my birth family welcomed my step-children fully into the family, as I was welcomed by the families of my step-parents.

I think that your step-child should have been invited, and it's not too late to fix this, if your sister is at all reasonable and understanding.

I somehow suspect, as you very well know, that example might not have been the only time in the last 8 years....

Anyways regardless of that, we are not talking about an adult child from a previous relationship. This is a child who has been forced into this situation, and part of this family, since she was in early primary school FFS. Even a 95/5 split is a huge amount of time to spend with the OP and whoever she has to come into contact with as a consequence.

It has to work both ways - it sounds like OP wants the relationship to work in one direction but not the other.....

This is missing the point by a mile.

The point is that a young girl will feel sad at knowing her dad, sister and step mum will all be dressing up and going to a wedding without her. That’s it. All the talk of how often she’s met the OP’s sister and what happens in other people’s families is irrelevant. There’s just a dad that doesn’t want to contribute to his daughter feeling sad or left out so he’s doing what is right. It doesn’t have to become a drama.

The scenario you’ve created is not remotely comparable.

That's what you think. Is that also what OP's DH thinks?
OP's parents gave his kid a tenner at the birthday and he felt it off (which PP have criticised as a 'fuck off' present before saying earlier in that thread that it's the least they should have done). So he banned all 'joint celebrations'.

Looks like he hasn't really made the effort. The onus is on him, to ask for his child to be included. He asked for the holiday, yes, but again we don't know whether this was what he wanted or whether it was when he needed to have the child anyway.

It would be unfair if he had attempted it, and been rebuffed multiple times. But if the SDC had always been at her mothers', and OP's DH made to attempt to have her brought along then it's all on him. It's not on other people to 'reach out'. They don't know whether they are overstepping or not.

How could inviting a child to a wedding possibly be “overstepping”?

Also @Changingplace r.e. birthday... OP's parents did the SAME as they do for OP's cousin's kids. You could argue it's not the same for their blood DGC. But no give money isn't offensive. Maybe they thought for older kids, money better than buying a present they won't like, while younger ones are easier to buy for? This happens in my family.
Yet OP's DH took offence.

We don't know. maybe OP's family are fed up of being rebuffed.

I was talking about attempts to build a relationship. If you want other examples feel free to read the numerous other threads on this forum. A step-parent trying to organise their SC activities is always accused of overstepping, 'you're not their parent' etc etc.
It's reasonable that they would wait for DH (via the OP) to ask, rather than pushing to meet DSC.

Stepchild might not be your sister and parents family, but she is part of your family, they have invited only part of your family. You don’t invite one child of the family and not the other, the four of you are a family surely 🤷‍♀️

I cannot get my head round how people see this as ok.

Every single time you write about your family your attitude towards the "paternal daughter" in this arrangement becomes more and more clear....

You have no idea whether she’ll feel sad or not. She may be quite happy to be missing a wedding she’s got no interest in attending. There’s literally stepchildren in this thread that experienced similar and have zero fucks about about.

as far as the DH’s expectations go - you’d think if this was so very important to him he’d have made sure the OP and her family met his expectation eight years ago.

As for my sister and BiL I think an invitation would have been extended if my stepchild lived with me even 50:50 but they don’t. I wish my husband hadn’t declined before I asked them as they now feel especially BilL, that my husband is manipulative.

I’d be a bit concerned for my sister that the man she’s about to marry has accused a parent of being manipulative for this.

If your husband had said that he expected an invitation to be given to his daughter or he wouldn’t go, then it would be fair to say he’s being manipulative because he’d be using a threat to try and get his own way.

He did nothing like that. He graciously declined the invitation, told his own wife the reason why and now he’s being slagged off by his SIL and future BIL just for being mindful of his daughter’s feelings.

Isn’t it usually the MN line that you should decline an invitation rather than ask for modifications like bringing your uninvited children?

I agree with this!