Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

This. I cant believe they won't invite the poor kid.

Quick! Disney Dad says jump so all the vagina-havers have to jump!

It is written....

No, the family clearly isn’t willing to change things to suit the DH, and nor do they have to be. They’re not obliged to fit into roles the DH wants them to inhabit.

Why would the 4 year old ask? She’s aware that she and her sister don’t have all the same family in common.

The difference between us is I abhor the rejection of children in such trivial matters.

It is a wedding, not a will.

Absolutely gob smacked by your update. You and your family are awful. You don’t think there is anything wrong with your dad going to a birthday party for two children, his granddaughter and her sibling, produces a gift for grand daughter and chucks her sister a tenner at the end of the night. It is shocking.

Why is that shocking?
I remember my great aunts coming to see us two days before my brother's 7th birthday. They didn't normally buy us presents or even send cards, but someone had told them it was his birthday coming up, and they both turned up with presents for him. Nicely chosen, wrapped up presents.
When they arrived they gave him the presents and he opened them straight away.
When they came through to the living room, the cards from my birthday were up - my 11th birthday was 3 days previously. Nothing was said at that point, but at the end when they were going, they each slipped £5 into my hand as a birthday present.
I can totally say that I was thrilled... but there was a green-eyed monster after they'd gone... my brother who despite being given two more expensive presents of things he really liked, felt he'd had the raw end of the deal.

'Little girl'? She's early secondary. Quite a few PP have pointed out that their own teenage stepchildren wouldn't be happy being dragged away from their mum's house to a boring family wedding!
She's certainly not going to be 'running around' and admiring the bride's dress. Moreover it's not even OP's DH weekend!

What a horrible thing to wish that OP's H left her. the #bekind brigade are never so kind themselves, eh?

My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them.

I’ve read the OPs posts and this doesn’t seem to be answered or addressed but I can’t understand how this child has been in OPs life for 8 whole years and yet your sister barely knows them & Bil has never ever met them?

I assume you must purposefully keep them separate from your family or have simply made no effort whatsoever to include this child, it’s really quite bizarre, and the whole situation is very sad.

Totally with your husband here

*The difference between us is I abhor the rejection of children in such trivial matters.

It is a wedding, not a will.*

And I abhor the demonisation of step parents and their families over such trivial matters, as I don't agree that all step children would feel rejected 🤷‍♀️

You know in real life, many people do like going to weddings. And obviously her father has reason to believe his daughter would like to go. Or even for her to have the option!

Yes, me too.

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to justify your family's crap behaviour. I would not be going, and the fact that you are supporting them in their exclusion of my child would make me question how I felt about you tbh.

'Purposefully'? How so?
Maybe if the child was there full-time but OP herself said it has been less than 50/50. It's not a stretch to imagine that whenever OP has family outings the child has been at mum's. Or alternatively, OP takes herself and bio child off to family events and gives Dad some much needed alone time with SD, since he's worked away so much and barely seen her! SD has her own family with her own two parents (and their extended family) and perhaps is busy with them?

MN hates step mums and they can never win. Anything to do with disciplining a child, enforcing rules etc they're always the bad guy, 'it's not your child'. But anything positive suddenly 'you're all family'. Makes zero sense.

The tone of your response OP implies you were expecting everyone to agree with you that your husband is in the wrong here.

What you and your nasty, small-minded blood relatives seem to be forgetting is that your step-daughter hasn't been forced upon you. You made the decision to marry your husband in the knowledge that doing so would make your step-daughter very much part of your new family. You could have very reasonably walked away but you didnt. Presumably your husband's daughter wasn't presented as a last minute suprise to on your wedding day? (maybe she wasn't even invited....) In fact, by doing this, you've very much forced yourself and your family upon her and irreversibly into her life. I'm guessing when she stays at "your" house you expect her to abide by your household / family rules, respect you, get on with your proper "dear child" in the same way of any other member of your family?

You post about her as if she is an adult at uni or something, removed from day to day family life. The poor child might not even be at secondary school FFS. You and the rest of your family are supposed to be the adults in this situation. That means not playing bully against the 11 year old who didn't have a f**king choice to become part of your horrible family.

What kind of message is this sending to this child, who has been forced to be part of your life for the last 8 years, that she isn't considered enough of your "family" to attend a wedding where the rest of the "family" is invited and clearly very heavily involved.

Who gives a to$$ if your sister hasn't even met her? If a close friend happened to have a young child or baby they'd not had the opportunity to meet would they be intentionally excluding her too? Some previous moron has tried to compare this situation to leaving personal wealth in a will..... It's a wedding FFS! Its not like you are asking your sister and her c"*nt of a fiancé to fly her in from Australia is it?

If this scenario is representative of your overall attitude towards her, I can't help but really, really hope this poor girl unleashes the complete and utter hell you deserve when she hits her teenage years....

That's irrelevant though. He sees it as a slight against her. Regardless of whether she'd actually like to go.
Again, as I stated earlier I can see his point if she lived with them FT and they were very generally involved in her life. But she won't be there that weekend and is barely there most of the time (not even 50/50).

Me real point is that 'step-child', as a status is meaningless. Loads of PP have given examples of being 'treated the same' but in the case of an absent parent or close to FT living. Ignoring that would be cruel. But not this.

Anyway OP is better off posting on the step-parents board. These threads always go the same way, a pile-on for the stepmum OP. Not surprised.

You and your sister and your side of the family sound awful. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to go to your sister's wedding where his child is not invited. It is not weird at all to expect his wife's family to embrace his child .You say you have been married for 8 years but your sister, who your own child is flower girl for barely knows your step child - after 8 years! I am surprised he wants to stay married to someone who condones his own child being treated so shoddily. It's their wedding and they can invite who they want and he can turn down that invitation based on inviting 3/4 members of his family and leaving just one out.

by doing this, you've very much forced yourself and your family upon her and irreversibly into her life. I'm guessing when she stays at "your" house you expect her to abide by your household / family rules, respect you, get on with your proper "dear child" in the same way of any other member of your family?

Well her family hasn't been forced on her, have they, because she barely knows them, that's rather the point of the thread. There you go, problem solved. They have not been forced on her and as such, she doesn't have to go to this wedding.

Good for your DH! Completely the right thing for him to do.

my husband is still going to stay at home rather than watch his other daughter be a flower girl

Wow, he would rather sulk at home (alone - with none of his kids there) than suck it up and see his daughter as a flower girl? Why doesnt he actually TALK to your sister about it?? You know, man up instead of being childish

Help, need advise and guidance!!

I have 2 wonderful boys 4 and 7, my parents passed away so it was never easy raising them with no help or support. They are lovely lively happy children ❤️

My twin brother has a boy same aged as my son, I try to get them together often but I find after a few play dates my brother and his wife start complaining about my 7 year old hitting their son. I have never actually witnessed it and usually my 7 year old is good in school and with other children so I take it with a pinch of salt and remind him gently to be careful.

We also share a female friend who also has a son, she has recently starting siding and gossiping with my sister in law and complaining about my son throwing tantrums, I don't understand why they say this and what they want from me as he's 7 years old I know he's not perfect but at the same time he is still very young and is never intentionally mean or nasty.

Recently their children have been teasing my son on how they are going on holiday together and how he is not invited, one child said to me ' don't tell your son we are going away as he will have a tantrum'

I was very hurt by this continuous nasty behaviour and confronted the women (who's child it is) as clearly this is something taught, her response was to shout at me and tell me I have an issue with her friendship with my brother - this was very hurtful as its not true , I was in tears as it was my later father's anniversary and my brothers house in which I faced such nasty behaviour from a so called friend. I just don't understand on one hand they want to be friends with us and on the other they are actually quiet mean and nasty.

How should I handle this situation? Am I right to want to confront why they are teasing my son?

For the sake of 1 extra place, you and your family are behaving like arseholes.

@TheOriginalGilmoregirl your step daughter may be the only sibling your daughter has. How do you think your 5 year old will feel that her sister is not at the wedding.

How will you feel if your stepdaughter doesn’t invite you or her step sister to her own wedding?

Actions have consequences. I have total admiration for your husband in standing up for his daughter. She will see that her dad is on her side and that is a powerful message.

You, your sister and parents need to have a word with yourselves. Your husband is your sisters brother in law and your parents son in law and yet they don’t see his daughter as family. How awfully sad.

That’s not the same as not being invited.

Is there a reason why you haven't tried to integrate your stepchild into your family? For them to hardly know your stepchild after 8 years is not accidental. They weren't going to see the child as family without you putting in some effort.

@Sitkit I think you have posted in the wrong place

@CliantheLang, what an obnoxious post.