Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

You are absolutely right they probably won’t see him if they split up and they won’t be classed as family but we are taking about the here and now and about a child who is very much part of the OP’s family and has been for some time.

If the OP and her husband split and she found herself in the exact same position as her husband is in nowI’m quite sure she would feel upset her child was excluded.

I think to feel "absolutely awful and worthless" about not going to the wedding of your step mums sister you barely know on a weekend you were supposed to be in your other home anyway signifies much larger issues. I'd think it a pretty big over reaction otherwise personally.

It is a shame that this has ruined the run up to the wedding for you. However, do you expect that your dh should treat your joint child preferentially, to your stepchild?

I can imagine the holiday you have, with the 4 of you, just prior to the wedding. Your poor stepchild will have to listen to your dd excitedly describing her dress and all the details of the upcoming wedding, knowing that she wasn’t even good enough to get an invite.

Though it is evident you do like to project it onto any step family post you encounter. Are you ok? You do seem to be a rather prolific poster on step parenting posts. Can't be healthy for someone who claims to have a sound step set up.

Says the person who ignored all the SC saying they were fine with this and said it was impossible because it's not like that in your own family? I don't post on here because I have issues with my own step family, I come on here to support others, I have never made my own thread. And you can't try and bully someone out of posting for being "prolific" when you yourself have also posted on this thread loads. Why are you still here?

I can imagine the holiday you have, with the 4 of you, just prior to the wedding. Your poor stepchild will have to listen to your dd excitedly describing her dress and all the details of the upcoming wedding, knowing that she wasn’t even good enough to get an invite.

While the 5 year old has to listen to DSD excitedly describe the solo holiday they're about to have with their dad, uncle and cousins, no doubt!

OP hasn’t told us whether they’re invited or not. You just made that up

Well they aren't going...

They barely know her. She’s OP’s stepchild. OP isn’t her mother, and they’re not her aunts, uncles and grandparents. That’s just a fact. If others want to take on those roles in their own stepfamilies that’s up to them, but it’s doesn’t mean everyone has to.

Why would OP expect her kid’s stepmother’s family to act as grandparents/aunts and uncles? It’s clearly not something she considers to be normal for a stepfamily, so I doubt her mind would change tbh.

By the sounds of what you’re saying my parents treat their cleaner’s children better than your parents treat your step child. I do find it shocking that they could be so cold to someone who has been in your life for 8 years. Your update makes me even more on the side of your husband. You seem to be more upset about the wedding being more stressful than the indifference from your family towards your step child.

The elephant in the room is that your family are nasty, and you seem to agree with them.

What a lovely family occasion for this little girl to be part of. She’s missing out on seeing her half sister and stepmum all dressed up, and wearing a pretty dress herself. She’s missing out on running around and admiring the bride’s dress. She’s missing out on dancing with her daddy at the disco and staying up late.

Your sister and future BIL are meanies. What effing difference would one little extra girl make.

Perhaps when you get home from the wedding and your husband will have left you. I would.

It's not everything though, is it. Its a family life event.
if you don't include them, then the message is - you aren't family.

They’ve also referred to me as my Dad’s daughter (not SM’s stepdaughter, or even just my bloody name) in my earshot

I'm all for step kids being included and I think the OPs family sound shit but not sure what else you'd expect other than this sentence above!

But your OP isn't asking for DSC to be invited because child has nowhere else to go

It's because he wants his child to be welcomed into your family

I'm with him on this

Absolutely gob smacked by your update. You and your family are awful. You don’t think there is anything wrong with your dad going to a birthday party for two children, his granddaughter and her sibling, produces a gift for grand daughter and chucks her sister a tenner at the end of the night. It is shocking.

And as for the rest of the family, even if they don’t truly see your stepchild as family, do they really need to be so unpleasant as to exclude her from a family wedding. The wedding in which her own sister has a prime role whilst she doesn’t even score an invitation. How about just being kind.

And all you care about is that it has ruined the wedding for you. Words fail.

Stepchild, stepchild, stepchild...
The child is your husband's child.
I'm not sure I'd trust a man enough to have a baby with him when he willingly sidelines his children.

I am guessing DH's resistance isn't just about the wedding but more about how you and your family sees and treats his daughter over the years. This sounds like just one more way to exclude the step child rather than one event the step child isn't invited to. I am guessing the bigger issue is the problems / concerns he has when the family is present with both children and the lack of acceptance of the step child as part of the family and differential treatment of the younger child.

I think you are in the wrong @TheOriginalGilmoregirl.

You have been a stepmother for over 8 years and yet it seems you don’t consider your SD part of your family.

There is no way I would attend a wedding (sibling or friend) with only one of my children. If my sibling didn’t invite my stepchild to their wedding I wouldn’t attend never mind my husband.

If my parents didn’t buy my stepchild a birthday gift strong words would be had and if they didn’t change their ways I would go nc.

My sister has a new partner who has a pre-teen child. They’ve only been together a few months but live together. They are already considered as family by our close relatives and now my sister basically comes as “one of three” including holiday invitations, Christmas etc. If I was getting married, I would definitely include the child in the invitation.
it’s not about the child being close enough to the extended family members, it’s about respect for the relationship and everyone involved.

I wouldn't go either.

That's rotten of your family.

I’m glad you described it as a joint birthday party, because the OP’s family didn’t see it like that. Her parents saw it as only their blood dgc’s party, ignoring the fact that it was also to celebrate their step ‘d’gc’s birthday, hence only gifts for one of the birthday girls, while the other was ignored.

If you are depending THAT much money, one extra child makes no difference.

The elephant in the room is the family would rather dig their heels in rather than show kindness to a child.

How will they ask the question when 4 year old asks why her half sister isn't invited?

*You are never balanced @aSofaNearYou , don't gaslight someone who has read plenty from you. There isn't a post about step children that doesn't include your opinions. You are often cold and so very unwilling to consider what step kids suffer within blended families.

I have never ever found you supportive. I imagine those who can't stand their step kids would suggest otherwise. I suspect this is where you offer your 'support'.*

I can respect that you don't find my opinions balanced, coming from the absolute opposite perspective. I think it's foolish of you not to be able to see the same in reverse. Your posts are no more balanced than mine are.

If your sister really thinks it’s as simple as the child being with their mother that weekend then she needs to open her tiny mind a bit and find some compassion.

If anything the fact that she’s with her Dad for a solid two weeks before he goes off with his new wife and child to a big exciting event without her, despite it being an event that many little girls are fascinated by.

Your family don’t want to extend an invitation to your step child, not nice but ok. The least they could then do is accept your husband deciding not to go graciously. It would probably help if you accepted his correct decision graciously too and showed some solidarity with your husband towards your family. Your sister has the opportunity to keep her sister and bridesmaid happy but she’s chosen to use a petty reason to ‘dig her heels in’ instead. Your husband is protecting his child’s feelings. If there’s an elephant in the room, it’s all your own and your family’s making.

Why are you getting personal? She’s as free to post on the subject as you are, and her opinions aren’t without value because you disagree with them.

Sofa has been supportive to plenty of posters, but of course those are the posters you don’t want to have support.