Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

1000 replies

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 19/08/2023 14:04

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 19/08/2023 19:10

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 19:07

She is THEIR neice/grandaughter'/daughters sibling!!!

How on earth could her presence next to her dad intrude or disrupt the celebrations?

On the contrary, excluding her will most certainly affect relations for years to come.

Show quote history

Being their nieces half-sibling doesn’t make the SC their family.

If they have that relationship, great. If they don’t, they don’t have to ask her.

He wants to stay at home, fine. They still don’t have to ask her.

yogasaurus · 19/08/2023 19:11

And if they don’t have any relationship now, why would this make any difference?

On the contrary, excluding her will most certainly affect relations for years to come

notlucreziaborgia · 19/08/2023 19:12

Sausagedogmum · 19/08/2023 18:53

It doesn’t matter if your step child is due back with their mother the day of the wedding, the step child is still part of your family and therefore should be included. You and your family is creating a them and us situation and your poor stepchild is the one in the receiving end.

I wonder if you would feel the same if you and your husband split up, you got with someone else was with them for quite some time and your child was excluded like you step child is.

It’s hardly us versus them because they’re not competing. They’re not all one family, and that’s okay. The siblings know they don’t have all the same family members in common.

A blended family is not a nuclear one, and trying to force every member to pretend that it is isn’t going to work for everyone.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 19/08/2023 19:13

Shockingly rude of your sister to not invite your stepdaughter, and also of your parents to not bring stepdaughter a birthday present. Really awful behaviour. I actually can’t believe this? I’d not associate with your family at all if I were your husband and your family were this cruel to my child.

Exasperatednow · 19/08/2023 19:13

TheOriginalGilmoregirl · 19/08/2023 18:48

I am truly gobsmacked by how many responses there are.

I haven’t got beyond Page 5.

I genuinely care for my step child and they are my family but I don’t think that my family need to consider them as family. They have never treated them badly and when they see my husband they ask after them.

This is my first post, people have run with the idea that my family didn’t get stepchild a present. My father gave them £10 or 20 at the end of the evening. This is my dad’s practice when he sees my cousin’s kids. My husband a whole year later, was minded to mention he thought it demonstrated a lack of thought. I completely disagree.

@AgathaMiss my chid is five and knows that their sibling is a half sibling and are incredibly loving towards one another. They 100% wouldn’t think they were being left out of a family occasion. If their mutual dad’s family left them out that would be a different matter.

@RedDedRedemption stepchild has two loving parents and a loving stepmother who are very much involved in their life but is at an age where they are having their own life as well.

I very much doubt that my stepchild thinks about my parents and siblings from one year to the next.

Someone wanted me to clarify this: The four of us will be away for a week two weeks before wedding. Husband and stepchild will then go away together for 4/5 days being joined by brother and cousin and one of their children in this country coming back just before wedding.

What is annoying my sister is that child is due back with their mother the weekend of wedding so no need to extend an invitation and my husband is still going to stay at home rather than watch his other daughter be a flower girl.

My mother has said that BiL feels my sister is being manipulated by my husband with his declining the invitation. This is what is making them dig their heels in.

This has ruined the run up to the wedding for me and there’s an elephant in the room now.

Did you post looking for everyone to agree with you?

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/08/2023 19:14

I'm with your DH all the way.

Your family sounds pretty shitty tbh. By that token he shouldn't go because he's not blood related either.

Exasperatednow · 19/08/2023 19:15

In terms of invitation, it's one child. Hardly a big deal.

But it's now been made to be one by your sister/family.

Pipsquiggle · 19/08/2023 19:16

Still with your DH after your update. They should have invited your SC even if there was a high probability of non attendance

LadyBird1973 · 19/08/2023 19:16

I think your husband is being an idiot. He's not even supposed to have his child on the weekend of the wedding - if it was his weekend then that might be different.
I can see why a bride and groom don't want a child they don't know at their wedding - many people prefer to minimise the number of children at their wedding and keep to their family ones only. Your step child isn't family to the bride!

It's mean of your parents though to not buy your step child a present for their birthday though - even a little token one!

Sausagedogmum · 19/08/2023 19:17

notlucreziaborgia · 19/08/2023 19:12

It’s hardly us versus them because they’re not competing. They’re not all one family, and that’s okay. The siblings know they don’t have all the same family members in common.

A blended family is not a nuclear one, and trying to force every member to pretend that it is isn’t going to work for everyone.

Show quote history

Well I disagree, when you marry someone with children, the children become your family. The OP’s DH is family to his inlaws therefore his daughter should be included as family.

If this was a woman saying this about her child being excluded it would be a different story.

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 19:19

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 19:10

On the contrary, excluding her will most certainly affect relations for years to come.

Well it wouldn't in my family. The only reason it might here, is her DH.

You still here @aSofaNearYou

Nobody asked about your family.

Though it is evident you do like to project it onto any step family post you encounter. Are you ok? You do seem to be a rather prolific poster on step parenting posts. Can't be healthy for someone who claims to have a sound step set up.

Bubop · 19/08/2023 19:19

I wouldn’t go to someone’s wedding if they only invited one of my children either. Nor would I invite anyone to a joint birthday meal if they didn’t treat both children equally.

Jumbojade · 19/08/2023 19:19

BarbieWorldFantastic · 19/08/2023 18:01

Maybe you will realise that not all marriages are like yours and that is perfectly fine.

Show quote history

What I do realise is that, if you marry someone who already has a child, you consider that child as part of your family and do not let that child be treated as a nothing by the rest of your family.

Well that’s the way it should be, if you are a decent human being!

LadyBird1973 · 19/08/2023 19:19

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 14:50

she's not her blood niece.

This distinction makes me beyond angry. You spend years and huge amounts of effort building a blended family and then someone who isn’t part of it comes out with this shit. A similar situation caused a huge chasm in our family and I doubt it will ever be repaired. Unnecessary destructive nastiness.

The thing is you might have spent years building a blended family but your family didn't get a say in it. If they don't feel your step children are their family, that's their prerogative, sad though it is.

notlucreziaborgia · 19/08/2023 19:20

Sausagedogmum · 19/08/2023 19:17

Well I disagree, when you marry someone with children, the children become your family. The OP’s DH is family to his inlaws therefore his daughter should be included as family.

If this was a woman saying this about her child being excluded it would be a different story.

Show quote history

Disagree all you want, not everyone is going to hold the same view and no one is obliged to adhere to your standards.

If OP and her husband divorced he would cease to be family, and OPs family would likely never see his kid again. She isn’t their granddaughter/niece, and they don’t have to pretend she is.

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 19:21

Read the update and your family are arseholes. BIL isn’t family based on how your weird family work it out and so why should your husband give a shit what his non family SIL and BiL think? They excluded his child, why should he care about going? You are very manipulative OP. Wah wah he won’t come and see MY child as a flower girl. Well as you and your shitty family have excluded HIS other child why the heck should he go and celebrate your family of arseholes? I’m shocked if your marriage lasts as your children get older. Both children are his, don’t expect him to favor one over the other and don’t be manipulative about it.

BarbieWorldFantastic · 19/08/2023 19:21

Jumbojade · 19/08/2023 19:19

What I do realise is that, if you marry someone who already has a child, you consider that child as part of your family and do not let that child be treated as a nothing by the rest of your family.

Well that’s the way it should be, if you are a decent human being!

Show quote history

You can be a decent human being without having your step kids involved in every thing you do.

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 19:22

notlucreziaborgia · 19/08/2023 19:20

Disagree all you want, not everyone is going to hold the same view and no one is obliged to adhere to your standards.

If OP and her husband divorced he would cease to be family, and OPs family would likely never see his kid again. She isn’t their granddaughter/niece, and they don’t have to pretend she is.

Show quote history

And by that token, DH ISNT their family so why the hell should he have to attend their wedding? What’s the problem then? If they only care about blood relatives.

Daniki · 19/08/2023 19:23

Your sister is wrong, stepchild is a part of your family and it's AWFUL to exclude them.

ChoresSuck · 19/08/2023 19:25

Thing is you are married and therefore the step child has joined your family unit. It matters not that the step child is meant to be with his mum. Plans change. You need to take a step back and think what it would be like if your child got excluded In similar circumstances and how you'd feel. Your sister should have invited you all.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 19:25

Also unless I've read wrong people seem to be ignoring that DH will be spending the week before with just DSC, his brother and cousins. OP and their joint child are not invited, despite presumably knowing those relatives pretty well...

RedSkiesandAllies · 19/08/2023 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notlucreziaborgia · 19/08/2023 19:25

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 19:22

And by that token, DH ISNT their family so why the hell should he have to attend their wedding? What’s the problem then? If they only care about blood relatives.

Show quote history

He’s their son/brother in law, married to their daughter/sister, and they’re treating him as exactly that. He isn’t demanding to be treated as family by blood, and no one seems to expect anyone else to consider to him as such. So why is his daughter any different?

Whattodo112222 · 19/08/2023 19:27

At the end of the day your stepchild didn't ask to become a stepchild and be part of a blended family and have all responsible adults in their life making decisions for them.
It's incredibly unfeeling of your sister and BIL to consider a blood related child but not a half sibling. Which is your child's blood sibling.
They're just a child at the end of the day.
I'm so glad your husband is sticking to his guns. Your husband has two children.

BIossomtoes · 19/08/2023 19:30

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 19:25

Also unless I've read wrong people seem to be ignoring that DH will be spending the week before with just DSC, his brother and cousins. OP and their joint child are not invited, despite presumably knowing those relatives pretty well...

OP hasn’t told us whether they’re invited or not. You just made that up.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.