Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

I am truly gobsmacked by how many responses there are.

I haven’t got beyond Page 5.

I genuinely care for my step child and they are my family but I don’t think that my family need to consider them as family. They have never treated them badly and when they see my husband they ask after them.

This is my first post, people have run with the idea that my family didn’t get stepchild a present. My father gave them £10 or 20 at the end of the evening. This is my dad’s practice when he sees my cousin’s kids. My husband a whole year later, was minded to mention he thought it demonstrated a lack of thought. I completely disagree.

@AgathaMiss my chid is five and knows that their sibling is a half sibling and are incredibly loving towards one another. They 100% wouldn’t think they were being left out of a family occasion. If their mutual dad’s family left them out that would be a different matter.

@RedDedRedemption stepchild has two loving parents and a loving stepmother who are very much involved in their life but is at an age where they are having their own life as well.

I very much doubt that my stepchild thinks about my parents and siblings from one year to the next.

Someone wanted me to clarify this: The four of us will be away for a week two weeks before wedding. Husband and stepchild will then go away together for 4/5 days being joined by brother and cousin and one of their children in this country coming back just before wedding.

What is annoying my sister is that child is due back with their mother the weekend of wedding so no need to extend an invitation and my husband is still going to stay at home rather than watch his other daughter be a flower girl.

My mother has said that BiL feels my sister is being manipulated by my husband with his declining the invitation. This is what is making them dig their heels in.

This has ruined the run up to the wedding for me and there’s an elephant in the room now.

I'm still with your husband on this, even after your update.

Me too. So easily sorted too.

It doesn’t matter if your step child is due back with their mother the day of the wedding, the step child is still part of your family and therefore should be included. You and your family is creating a them and us situation and your poor stepchild is the one in the receiving end.

I wonder if you would feel the same if you and your husband split up, you got with someone else was with them for quite some time and your child was excluded like you step child is.

no sorry still think you should be viewed as a full family by EVERYONE even more now by your update. I really don't understand how can you not see how bad this is ? if I was you and was in this situation I would be blowing my shite and potentially starting no contact with my family. this to me is a deal breaker and the majority on this page I think agrees

That struck me, too. It seems very callous. It doesn't need to be a large gift, but there's no way I would ignore a child's birthday in a situation like this.

I think he is fine to stay home. He isn't blood either so not really family either.

You and your daughter will be in the wedding party and busy and off doing all the wedding party prep and pictures and activities and usually eat at a different table as well. Your husband will be alone and given he doesn't feel right only going with part of his family, and isn't truly part of your sister's family - it just seems like a nightmare event for him.

Read the update

Of course people are going to pile on the OP. She's a stepmum and they can never win on here.
Your DH is pathetic. Your SC doesn't live with you even 50% of the time, they aren't with dad when wedding takes place, bride and groom barely know the child.
Weddings are bloody expensive and I didn't just invite people I barely knew to my wedding either.
Just say to DH okay you stay here and sulk but I'm still going. Then you can enjoy yourself and he will also presumably enjoy himself staying at home.

💯

Also some people don’t seem to understand what happens when you split. You’ve affected your children, it’s not up to third parties who don’t have any real relationship with them to go out of their way to make it better. Their parents are the ones who caused the upset, no one else. If people don’t ever see someone much, why would they invite to a wedding, SC or not.

I’m even more with your husband after that.

This has ruined the run up to the wedding for me and there’s an elephant in the room now

Over the space and plate of a 12 year old!!!??

I clearly operate in different circles.

OP, if my dsis behaved like yours I would tell her to fuck right off.

I must be missing something in my reading comprehension on this thread where the kid of your husband is decidedly excluded from a huge family event and you aren't siding with him.

Fucking hell this is depressing.

I’m with your husband. It’s really shitty to exclude your step-child.

She's your husband's daughter. You're a bridesmaid, her half sister is a flower girl. You and your family may as well have 'YOU ARE NOT OUR FAMILY' stencilled across your foreheads.

It's unspeakably cruel.

If my sister treated my step-daughter in this way, I wouldn't be going to her wedding, never mind my husband. I certainly wouldn't be being her bridesmaid 😳
You all sound as bad as each other and if I was your husband I'd be leaving.

She isn’t THEIR family?

I am on DH side even more after reading the update.

I cant believe the grandad gave DSS a tenner at the end of the night at Christmas rather than get him a gift. In my eyes thats worse than giving nothing.

Your step child should be invited if your other child is and your parents not bringing them a present to their joint birthday meal was very rude, it didn’t have to be anything big. The cash would have been fine if given in a card at the start of the night rather than what seems like an afterthought, I think it’s good that your husband stopped the joint celebration if that was happening.
I get why your sister hasn’t invited them from her point of view but your husbands response is correct.

So I have a step child. This wouldn't be an issue in my family because we're all close enough for everybody to be invited.

However if we weren't and I explained the situation to my sister then they would definitely invite my stepchild. Your family are shitty.

I read your upodate and even more so am with your husband. Why is your sis so stringly opposed to this? Why are you defending it?

What is annoying my sister is that child is due back with their mother the weekend of wedding so no need to extend an invitation - this speaks volumes, you are all bloody annoyed they are there in time as conveniently the child should drop off the map or return a month after. I wonder if your husbands family treat you in such a shitty way too.

My mother has said that BiL feels my sister is being manipulated by my husband with his declining the invitation. This is what is making them dig their heels in. - you are all a bunch of manipulative people, as in,you and your mother, you, your sister and your BiL. I am happy your husband is standing up against a bunch of bullies. Sorry it ruins the runup to the big day for ya.

The OP is married to her father, her daughter is her half sister.

They are a family @yogasaurus. And as such, they should all be included in a family invitation.

She is THEIR neice/grandaughter'/daughters sibling!!!

How on earth could her presence next to her dad intrude or disrupt the celebrations?

On the contrary, excluding her will most certainly affect relations for years to come.

I'm a step mum. I imagine many posting on this thread are. This isn't about piling on a step mum. It's about op marrying and forming a family but then deciding to pick and choose whether stepdaughter is treated as part of the family. It's not ok.

The update is even worse, a tenner at the end of the night as a f* off present. Nice. Very thoughtful! I hope the granddad asked "What is your name again" when he handed the kid the note.

On the contrary, excluding her will most certainly affect relations for years to come.

Well it wouldn't in my family. The only reason it might here, is her DH.